Coach Elliott

Today I have taken on a new prospective around healing and have decided that I am going to send my body healing messages that are affirming that I am whole while embracing the tumour, sensing that it is the right thing for me in this moment.  I will be doing this daily at least once and maybe twice a day for at least twenty minutes.  I have also asked friends and family to do the same. I can already feel a difference in two days.  It is amazing what the mind can do.  We know it but we doubt it.  I can truly feel the healing occurring and the tingling feeling where the tumour is located.  I am imaging in shrinking and by the power of god leaving my body.  There is a part of me that is even embracing it feeling like it is a suppose to be a part of me for as long as it needs to be and then it will leave my body peacefully and without a fuss. Again, I have cried more freely than I have in the past.  I allow it to come out of me withou...

What can I say about life right here and right now except that I am trying all day long to be easy on myself and live it as much as I can in the  present moment.  I wish I could say that it has been at the highest of levels but the truth is that my highlight of the day was watching my grandchild rolling on the floor and crying on the phone with my best friend pondering the surgery that is scheduled for January 10, my body parts still swollen without logical or not so logical explanations.  It feels like a bad joke and a way to test every fiber of my faith in God or any other higher being, that being not being ME.  Here is the kicker for me.  I go to Pandora and there it is: a video game where you get to shoot animals.  How wonderful is that?  Offensive and of course a message to me that something is to wrong with that kind of violence being converted and disguised as a flipping game!  Appalling.  What kind of life do I have really? ...

So here I am at NMH at 12:45 am in the morning with a nurse that has the personality of a small but lovely ant.  I guess I should not have said that but in all honesty I just have issues with people who are in the business of serving and cannot seem to pull up a smile, even when the patient is full of cancer and concerns.  The up side is that I already understand that who people are in their time and space is simply not under my jurisdiction.  I only have to concern myself with Elliott.  The most interesting thing to me is that in the emergency room they tell me one thing and then I get up here and the story completely changes.  No pain shot, no IV fluids but I did get some lotion for my dried up legs that are cracking.  If I sound a bit off key I must say that I am.  I become so disappointed when people who work in the same place fight each other for the power to say yes or no.  One only has to go up one flight and the procedures and insights cha...

I have been thinking all day today about what my mission is and although it's not quite clear yet I get closer to what it means and what it is by the moment.  It becomes more clear when I can put my legs up on the bed and take the time to allow clarity to have it's way into me.  I can only do this when I get quiet because quieting my mind is the only way to hear what God has to say to me.  Right now what I hear is that I just not hold onto the fear and that I take the time to love me in this moment, embracing whatever time I have right here and right now.  The alternative seems to be to rush myself into fear, worry resentment and anger.  Right now it almost seems like the most logical place to be is somewhere in acceptance and in a fierce reality of my very own.  I wish I knew what it all meant and then again I am reminded that I don't hold that key right now.  I am only afforded this moment of calm and this moment of expression however small...

So here I am on this other path that I cannot explain and that I don't think needs any explanation.  I am breathing and thinking that as long as I have my breath and I am alive there is a purpose.  For now the purpose feels like I just have to take care of myself and stop having false expectations that someone else or something else is going to take care of stuff for me, my stuff, the things that I am to do right now, like eat the right things and take a bubble bath or rest when my body is pleading with me to rest or write a blog when I feel like I need to share something. The big one is still about me getting my head out of my ass and into my heart.  I know that seems easy but when our head gets stuck way into our butt it is the damnedest thing.  I guess some butts might be tighter than others and frankly I am almost sure mine is wound up way too tight too often.  I won't get graphic but to say that learning to relax will make the situation a bit easier. ...

I may be truly jumping the gun today in sharing that I am not in the best of spaces and that I feel like I aborted my missionary  mission in California, perhaps out of fear and maybe too soon.  But that is only part of it because the other part is that everything that we do, that I do included is all in divine purpose.  I neither controlled my fear or lack of faith nor will it do me any good to beat myself over it.  It was what it was and now it is what it is.  I want to embrace it and I wish I could say that I already have but I will need time to process it. The fact remains that we are sometimes given little choices from a system that works with fear, instilling fear and acting on fear.  My ego, like others, gets caught up in that rather spider like web and fighting my way out of it is not going to be easy.  With doctors who refuse to do the minimally invasive surgery on me I may have to allow them to cut the C out of me and hope that can live with...

Today I could feel defeated because as life would have it I must abandon my missionary work and go home.  It is not an accident that I am reading a book about the five things in life that we cannot change because this fits in like a glove made for me to wear.  No matter how much planning and how much intention we may have there are going to be times when we can be sure of the unsure, the uncertainty of life.  This is my day, but I am not special in that it is each of our day at one time or another.  Having to face this fact is much easier when God is training you daily for this day and when the day arrives we might not be so surprised.  I for one am not completely surprised only in the sense that yes life is full of them isn't it?  Not one of us knows what is going to happen next even if we dilute ourselves into believing that we do, we don't. My health opportunity presented a new challenge called bleeding in lay men's terms.  I a...

Well today has in all honestly challenged me in every manner imaginable.  I admit that from the start of this day I felt dizzy and out of sorts.  This health opportunity wants to take me down or so it seems, but I am not going to let it.  I look at it as this is the devil entity attempting to make me doubt and not be in my complete faith and I say hell no to that here and now.  OK, I said it out loud and I am saying it in writing: God has the power to heal and he has given us the power to heal!  We are god's miracles and there is nothing more profound and empowering than that.  The lovely part of it is that someone in charge decided to give me the next two days off from my missionary duties and I can focus on getting better.  That is the beauty of being in a loving and compassionate place.  The people here tuned in and will do all that it takes to bring love and light to those of us who are here doing this work and addressing our health.  I a...

Today was my day off here.  I get the luxury of one day a week off and I try to use it as wisely as possible.  I also attempt to avoid being too visible and lay as low and under the radar as I can.  I went shopping at Target, Ross and at Kohl's a short distance away because I was fortunate enough that another missionary lent me her car.  I am truly having a time of it accepting that I don't have the mobility to go where I want to go by getting into my own car whenever I please.  I also am in the knowing that I need to stay put and not get to invested in the goings and comings of the world out there.  It seems as it should be yet frankly I felt like I had been let out of prison and with that all the aggressive  driving behaviour started to creep up.  Nissan Altima is a very fast car!  I could have kept the car for longer but opted to return once I had done enough damage on my credit-debit card.  I was content to have a little fix and take...

I am not sure about some of you out there and whether like me you are triggered by others.  I cannot begin to tell you how many times a stranger has triggered something not so light filled in me. Let's take this morning at breakfast here at OHI and the woman who decided to sit at my table with the mink coat  and the funny kid's animal  hat, shall we?  She instantly became what I will call my "teacher"when she began to inquire as to why I'd become a missionary and began to quiz me.  For some reason I was triggered and felt too much like I was under a bright light at the police station, not that I have been arrested before, but it did feel a little invasive and the body language for me felt arrogant and presumptuous.  I did not really know what to make of her but I did know instantly that I was upset.  Something about her tone I thought.  After a few questions related to the criteria for becoming a missionary I str...

Today was an average day where I admit there were some rather unbalancing moments.  I tell myself that everything is going to be OK repeatedly until I believe it.  Oh the power of thought and self-talk.  There have been a few of those days but less than the ones filled with hope, prayer and reverence, specifically hope.  I end up showing up and getting beyond it but there are some moments when I freaking really wonder.  It can get a little scary, those demon like thoughts and bad energy.  Thank goodness for the laughter last night and the night before that as it shelters me.  I cannot take every moment to seriously or I would FALTER. The highlight of my day was a class I attended along with second WEE There are three weeks of programs here each is a week in sequence and each experience is different.  If one has been here before and done one week then you have the option to do the second and so on or you could stay all three w...

This is week four of my thirteen week commitment not that I am counting because very honestly it has become easier for me by the day to be here.  This serene, loving place along with the people who come through here is like living in a world where there is truly more harmony, balance and peace.  I have already met some of the best people who  have some of the most open hearts I have experienced , including the other two missionaries.  One of them has been struggling with cancer for ten years now without any western medicine or procedures.  She is a woman who use to be a model and worked for designers like Karl Lagerfeld.  Now a relatively well known artist in LA she has some of the most beautiful work I have seen in her venue of painting including cards that they carry in the small store here on campus.  I have truly grown to love her and feel a great motherly nurturing from her goddess energy. In fact today she shared with me that appar...

There are people here in this healing place that need to talk.  I have had many conversations with them.  Yesterday I spoke to a grandmother who apparently forced her grandson to attend the program with her and he has completely refused to participate.  She asked if I would talk to him and I have not seen him since the first few times when he looked as though he was very angry.  He is a big burly young man who is handsome yet his demeanour might frighten others away.  In the past I would have asked the woman to go get her grandson but instead I shared that he would get the message when he was ready and to just allow him to be where he is.  For me this was a shift in my way of thinking and doing.  I no longer feel like I need to fix anyone and I don't want to lead people into believing that they can change or control others feelings, desires, likes or dislikes.  The fact is that this young 22 year old is not ready to hear the message and it would h...

Today was what OHI refers to as Friday Night Live.  It is  talent show led by a guest and whereby quests perform.  I decided to recite a poem to music and while I am Elliott not TS Elliott I know that whatever I share, however small will be embraced by all who are here.  I think it to be part of my healing path to get up every week on Friday and share a little bit more of who i am, eventually doing a  little stand up comedy, something I have always wanted to do.  Whenever I MC the show when I was a guest I totally hammed it up and loved being on stage behind a mic.  It's really just a chance to enjoy yourself and to share some talent.  Tonight there were some lovely dancers, singers, poets and more.  It was great to see that people still put themselves out there and take a chance on themselves. I wore a white shirt, a black bow tie an jacket with a cloth from India wrapped like a skirt in black, red and yellow.  I actual...

Today I realized that you cannot live unless your willing to die.  This premise is more than just about my fear of dying or not but more about the willingness to see my body as the outer shell.  And that once that body is gone it is just the body that leaves and nothing else.  What I am learning is that yes life is to be lived and no don't be in fear about death, but I have also leaned into the notion that I am not my body, that is just the physical manifestation and that is all that is it.  I am not certain why this resonates so much for me now than ever but it does and so I will just be with it since I no longer feel a desire to explain everything nor do I want it all explained to me.  All I know is that I am embracing this notion that I am not the body, I am the spirit and the soul.  That what matters most now for me is that I am a spirit and that I have this endless soul that will move out of my body some day just like it's going to move out o...

As I mentioned before I am reading "Change Your Thoughts Change Your Life" by Wayne Dyer.  It is  based on the ancient Chinese wisdom verses going back to 200 years ago.  He introduces each one and interprets each one impeccably and so that one can understand them.  They are the verses of what is referred to as the Tao which in my own way of thinking is God.  One of the verses he brings forward is focused on allowing life to flow and this is one of the quotes from page 210: " Imagine being able to enter where no space appears to be available, and to move slowly, speaking seldom and allowing your self to be harmoniously intact a you seek a lower , less noisy and noticeable place where all others desire to come to you.  This is the watercourse way.  There's value in the non action of being able to flow like water, naturally and effortlessly. During my time here I have come to know that I must allow myself to flow and mov...

I am here now on the third week of 13 total and today was one of the best days since my arrival.  I decided somewhere along the line that I was just going to go ahead and surrender to whatever spirit brought my way and things just flowed through me, around me and to me.  I also felt like I just breathed and let the current take me.  Sometimes I believe that this is all we have to do is just be and just breathe into it.  Trying to hard is so tedious to me these days and I just don't imagine it to be in my best interest.  I get tired of trying to be so purposeful and intentional all the time about everything I do when half the time all I need to do is show up.  It's a rather funny thing coming from me when for a while I subscribed to this idea of being intentional.  I think it is my time not to worry about intent but to allow myself the space to move in and out of situations and experience without ego concerns.  I just want to be and breathe. Toda...

Today I woke up later than usual about 9:30 am.  I was restless last night but unsure as to why.  I started my day with lunch and meeting up with the two buddies that were assigned to me, men that have never been to OHI before.  My intention is to support them in every way possible.  Both are kind souls and one is hyperactive to the degree that I sometimes see him walking in circles.  He seems uncomfortable in his skin and I am not sure why, but it's all good.  In the end what I am learning is that I am not here to fix anyone and that all I can do it my very best.  And so it is that my intention is to do my work with a certain amount of ease and complete honesty, not looking for accolades or any sort of prize but rather being in my natural state of being, that being good enough. My mission for today was to teach and exercise class and assist the teachers in two other classes; Yoga Mediation and Food Prep.  I love the exe...

I have now been at OHI doing my healing and missionary work for two weeks.  I seem to have come to some kind of rhythm and today I noted that I liked the food more and could taste it better.  In fact I ate everything on my plate all day today with ease and grace and even enjoyed it.  The food has been a challenge for me in case I had not mentioned it before.  But for some reason today I savoured it and almost loved it.  I can only think it to be divine intervention.  I was praying that the food would not continue to repulse me as it had in the past and even the day before.  I feel blessed around this simple piece of progress. Today I heard this quote again by Mark Twain where he says: "I have experienced many tragedies in my life, none of which ever happened".  It came from Sophia the instructor of an Alpha relaxation class.  Before this she had asked who in the room worries and a few people raised their hands up.  ...

I cannot freaking believe that it is already December 1.  My god what an amazing crazy thing.  I feel like I just blinked and the two weeks I have been here have gone by.  Don't get me wrong, it's not been a birthday party, not even close, but suddenly the lines between the time I arrived and now are blurred.  Some day I hope that it will all be a blur in that I will find it hard to believe that I spent three months of my life here and what will stand out will be the beautiful and profound experience I will have had.  I look forward to that day and in the meantime I feel like I am living one day at a time, one moment at a time, sometimes one second at at time, each day becoming more comfortable and grateful to be alive.  Life circumstances surely brought me here and although there have been moments of despair not one time have they taken over, not one time have I decided to give in to it. For the last two days I have taught the morning exercise class. ...