MIssion Trigger 12-11
I am not sure about some of you out there and whether like me you are triggered by others. I cannot begin to tell you how many times a stranger has triggered something not so light filled in me. Let's take this morning at breakfast here at OHI and the woman who decided to sit at my table with the mink coat and the funny kid's animal hat, shall we? She instantly became what I will call my "teacher"when she began to inquire as to why I'd become a missionary and began to quiz me. For some reason I was triggered and felt too much like I was under a bright light at the police station, not that I have been arrested before, but it did feel a little invasive and the body language for me felt arrogant and presumptuous. I did not really know what to make of her but I did know instantly that I was upset. Something about her tone I thought. After a few questions related to the criteria for becoming a missionary I strangely felt compelled to rattle off my credentials saying: "I'm no slouch I have two masters degrees to which she asked in what later sharing that she was therapist. I shared that I had attended USM a very hands on experience of education to which she said she thought about it as she was familiar and that her course of study was very much a lot of self work. I thought,
"yeah sure it was" and couldn' t wait for our talk to be over. I had gone into my ego full force! I had become defensive full on! In fact I wanted to wrap her fur coat around her neck and push her out the door when she started to refer to all the money she has made. Another big trigger for me. How did she know?
In hind sight as they say I am so sure that this woman is my teacher testing my new way of thinking and showing up in the world. How did she know? She didn't, because in reality she was placed in my path by divine source. She really had nothing to do with it at all except to be the container. I needed to practice my new zen like state of living and being and frankly I failed miserably. I was not suppose to be in a competition by accessing all of the ego maniac inside of me but the truth is that I did. Here is a woman who is my mirror and who is depicting for me all of the things that I need to work on like not being focused on what I own or what I have or my many so called status symbols. I am sure that "hind sight is 20/20 and that it's really not too late for me to understand that I don't need to injure the messenger nor think poorly of her but rather take what I received from her as a loving lesson from goddess spirit, knowing that is needed it and that it was there for my highest good. It was a good. I also want to forgive myself for judging her and for judging myself. The truth is that we are all doing our best and I did finally stop engaging in the contest behaviour after a little bantering back and forth and realizing that I was engaged.
For a long time in my life I have engaged in competitive ego based dialog with others often justifying my existence and importance with my degrees, the kind of car I drove or the beautiful home I keep. All these things are not bad things but they can not be what brings me light and hope and healing. No education and no material things in my life will cure me and no dialog like that can heal me or help me to be. I can only be by listening and learning and as I have been learning, keeping my mouth shut. It is more likely that I have repelled this and other people along the road of life by instantly rattling off things that in the end really mean so little in the scheme of things.
So what is valuable inside of me? It is valuable that I stay present in this moment. It is more important that I be in my heart even if the messenger is wearing a fur coat and it feels like I am being interrogated. I am responsible for setting my own boundaries and I get to select whether I feel comfortable or not or feel like answering questions or not. I can chose how I react to others when I am in a place of knowing. I have a test and that is to see everyone for their divine essence and valuable and worthy of respect and love. This woman is my teacher and she has reminded me that I have work to do, every day in every way, and that it is as it should be.
"yeah sure it was" and couldn' t wait for our talk to be over. I had gone into my ego full force! I had become defensive full on! In fact I wanted to wrap her fur coat around her neck and push her out the door when she started to refer to all the money she has made. Another big trigger for me. How did she know?
In hind sight as they say I am so sure that this woman is my teacher testing my new way of thinking and showing up in the world. How did she know? She didn't, because in reality she was placed in my path by divine source. She really had nothing to do with it at all except to be the container. I needed to practice my new zen like state of living and being and frankly I failed miserably. I was not suppose to be in a competition by accessing all of the ego maniac inside of me but the truth is that I did. Here is a woman who is my mirror and who is depicting for me all of the things that I need to work on like not being focused on what I own or what I have or my many so called status symbols. I am sure that "hind sight is 20/20 and that it's really not too late for me to understand that I don't need to injure the messenger nor think poorly of her but rather take what I received from her as a loving lesson from goddess spirit, knowing that is needed it and that it was there for my highest good. It was a good. I also want to forgive myself for judging her and for judging myself. The truth is that we are all doing our best and I did finally stop engaging in the contest behaviour after a little bantering back and forth and realizing that I was engaged.
For a long time in my life I have engaged in competitive ego based dialog with others often justifying my existence and importance with my degrees, the kind of car I drove or the beautiful home I keep. All these things are not bad things but they can not be what brings me light and hope and healing. No education and no material things in my life will cure me and no dialog like that can heal me or help me to be. I can only be by listening and learning and as I have been learning, keeping my mouth shut. It is more likely that I have repelled this and other people along the road of life by instantly rattling off things that in the end really mean so little in the scheme of things.
So what is valuable inside of me? It is valuable that I stay present in this moment. It is more important that I be in my heart even if the messenger is wearing a fur coat and it feels like I am being interrogated. I am responsible for setting my own boundaries and I get to select whether I feel comfortable or not or feel like answering questions or not. I can chose how I react to others when I am in a place of knowing. I have a test and that is to see everyone for their divine essence and valuable and worthy of respect and love. This woman is my teacher and she has reminded me that I have work to do, every day in every way, and that it is as it should be.
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