Mission Aborted

I may be truly jumping the gun today in sharing that I am not in the best of spaces and that I feel like I aborted my missionary  mission in California, perhaps out of fear and maybe too soon.  But that is only part of it because the other part is that everything that we do, that I do included is all in divine purpose.  I neither controlled my fear or lack of faith nor will it do me any good to beat myself over it.  It was what it was and now it is what it is.  I want to embrace it and I wish I could say that I already have but I will need time to process it.

The fact remains that we are sometimes given little choices from a system that works with fear, instilling fear and acting on fear.  My ego, like others, gets caught up in that rather spider like web and fighting my way out of it is not going to be easy.  With doctors who refuse to do the minimally invasive surgery on me I may have to allow them to cut the C out of me and hope that can live without the parts they take out and throw away leaving me permanently expelling my toxicity out of the side of my body.  Not to worry about my getting too graphic.  Suffice to say that my family will be elated if I would simply get the procedure because like me they are in part in a place of fear and unknowing.  Since I cannot force any doctor to do what I think should be done I am at their whim to some degree along with my family and friends who I sense are standing by praying that I live longer and stay on this earth longer.

So here I am sitting on a sofa chair that is really nice and has thick cushions.  It may be comfortable right at the moment yet Spirit is nudging at me like a crow on a scarecrow, except that I am not scaring anyone but myself.  I am in a place of abundance yet of lacking.  I am especially lacking faith and the power to let go of my fear.  Oh, wait, I don't have any power.  I just remembered that.

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