Mission NMH

So here I am at NMH at 12:45 am in the morning with a nurse that has the personality of a small but lovely ant.  I guess I should not have said that but in all honesty I just have issues with people who are in the business of serving and cannot seem to pull up a smile, even when the patient is full of cancer and concerns.  The up side is that I already understand that who people are in their time and space is simply not under my jurisdiction.  I only have to concern myself with Elliott.  The most interesting thing to me is that in the emergency room they tell me one thing and then I get up here and the story completely changes.  No pain shot, no IV fluids but I did get some lotion for my dried up legs that are cracking.  If I sound a bit off key I must say that I am.  I become so disappointed when people who work in the same place fight each other for the power to say yes or no.  One only has to go up one flight and the procedures and insights change completely.  To add insult to injury you get to show your ass and groin five times to five different people.  I guess that it is just the way it is and so my ass will embrace it and make an effort to be aligned with the fact that life is unpredictable to say it nicely.  I may be having a bad day come to think of it.

Tomorrow is D day and I must get closer to deciding on the surgery.  The primary point is that I cannot continue to be swollen up because the demonic poisons are traveling around my body flowing downward.  Not to worry about my being graphic but just know that it's not a pretty sight and it is literally difficult to walk or sit normally.  My family is completely aligned with my having this surgery where my bowels will be routed to the side of my body, the same as my mother's cousin who I loved and who died of cancer.  Some of you may be taking notes now that I am using the C word but don't get use to it.  My intention is to not name it repeatedly or give it more power than it already seems to have.  On second thought, it has no power, only that which I give it.  I will not allow it, at last for right now and right here.  Until tomorrow I will simply lay here and allow spirit to guide me in knowing what will need to be when it needs to happen.  Nothing more and nothing less.

Some are sharing with me how courageous I am or have been through this challenge and Iwant to be clear in sharing how very wrong that perception is of me.  I have no courage and I have no wisdom and least of all any power.  I have in fact been rendered powerless.  I have this funny feeling that the reason will become clear to me very soon and frankly I am not in any hurry to find out.






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