Mission Today and Now

What can I say about life right here and right now except that I am trying all day long to be easy on myself and live it as much as I can in the  present moment.  I wish I could say that it has been at the highest of levels but the truth is that my highlight of the day was watching my grandchild rolling on the floor and crying on the phone with my best friend pondering the surgery that is scheduled for January 10, my body parts still swollen without logical or not so logical explanations.  It feels like a bad joke and a way to test every fiber of my faith in God or any other higher being, that being not being ME.  Here is the kicker for me.  I go to Pandora and there it is: a video game where you get to shoot animals.  How wonderful is that?  Offensive and of course a message to me that something is to wrong with that kind of violence being converted and disguised as a flipping game!  Appalling.  What kind of life do I have really?  What will it be like once they shoot the animal inside of me?  What will I be like once I have been cut in pieces and reconstructed like a puzzle and given a bag to poop inside of attached to my waist the rest of my life?  What will that life look like and how will I be able to accept that as the only thing that doctors could do for me?  Will I be resentful afterwards or will I really just feel relieved that the cancer has been cut out of me and I can indulge in my sugar addiction and my carnivorous ways?  How will it feel to be partially physically whole and will I miss that part of me?

There are so many questions.  There are no answers and not one person including me can respond to my concerns.  They don't have any power and I have none, even though all my life I thought I did.  I really thought that all my education and all my success and all the good I did would make me null and void of this brand of illness and the inevitable suffering that might unfold soon.  I thought I would be able to avoid this eight years ago when I did not have the strength to honour my body and eat the right things, instead I did the opposite.  Is this a lesson that I am suppose to learn?  Do I seem bitter?  LOL.  Is this all there is for me?  Where am I really going and what path am I on?  Will I live
long enough to enjoy our new home?  Will my grandchildren be OK even when I leave this earth?  Will they be sad about my departure?  What will happen to my daughters.  I don't know one answer to any of these questions, NOT ONE.  I have no clue what will unfold and don't even know that I will do the surgery on the day that it is scheduled to happen.  I still know absolutely nothing and I have this feeling that I won't know anything tomorrow either, although I keep wishing there is this appearance of the Holy Spirit and that he or she will talk to me or maybe even come for me.  I keep hoping for the best and I keep feeling worse.  I keep hoping for hope and yet feel completely hopeless .  Just when I am ready to jump off the emotional train onto the tracks something stops me.   It's freaking amazing to me.  Just something ironic about it.

I am having memories of people who have hurt me, including my own mother who is not capable of loving herself least of all me.  The mother who slapped me in the face without reservation and told me how I would never amount to anything.  Now it feels like she was right all along.  I won't amount to what I wanted to be and I won't likely get the time to go there and be in that higher plane on this earth at least.  She is right in knowing that I am not special and there is nothing about me that is so grand and big, righteous or smart.  There is just this ego who lives inside this borrowed body whose time may be ticking and who needs to be ready for anything.  And so I chose to live today, writing this blog and listening to violin radio on Pandora, occasionally awoken by the bad commercials or the pain in my rear end.  I admit that I wrote an email to some folks who hurt me and I basically gave them what for but don't ask me what for.  It likely did nothing for me or my healing but I felt compelled to tell them off because they hurt me terribly at one time in my life.  I want to lash out at all those people who hated on me as they say.  I want to get even before I leave but mostly I want to make them feel bad about what they said and did to me.  I want them to have cancer too.  I want them to suffer like I am.  I want them to feel sorry for me and what they did to me.  I want revenge yet what I know is that none of the things I said mean a dam thing and do nothing at all to make my vibration higher or more healed.  Nothing.

So here I am on the sofa at my daughter's home writing about how bad things are for me right now.  Spilling my guts out to all of you who will read this and who may listen.  None of you knowing what to say or do for me or anyone in my predicament.  Not blaming any of you when I too don't know what to say to me either or how to relieve this pain inside of me.  I can only thank goddess for the times I feel to the floor, placed my head in front of me and sobbed while my husband sat in the other room watching TV unfamiliar with what was going on and possibly not knowing what to do for me as I shut down and shut in.  I asked god to relieve my pain and there it was all in front of me spewing out like water where a dam was broken.  Now I will wait for the next cry and the next spill.  In the meantime I will hold on to the hope, the prayers and the sign that may or may not arrive.  I will ask goddess again tonight as I distract myself from the reality of being cancer filled.