My New Mission
So here I am on this other path that I cannot explain and that I don't think needs any explanation. I am breathing and thinking that as long as I have my breath and I am alive there is a purpose. For now the purpose feels like I just have to take care of myself and stop having false expectations that someone else or something else is going to take care of stuff for me, my stuff, the things that I am to do right now, like eat the right things and take a bubble bath or rest when my body is pleading with me to rest or write a blog when I feel like I need to share something.
The big one is still about me getting my head out of my ass and into my heart. I know that seems easy but when our head gets stuck way into our butt it is the damnedest thing. I guess some butts might be tighter than others and frankly I am almost sure mine is wound up way too tight too often. I won't get graphic but to say that learning to relax will make the situation a bit easier. The more I relax and allow thing to unfold the more I feel closer to clarity and light. The more I let go the more I get going. The more I surrender the more I feel peaceful. The more peaceful I feel the better a decision I will make.
After seeing the doctor yesterday and showing him my intimate swollen parts of me, emotionally and physically I realised just how limited I am and just how limited his thinking is as well. At first it felt like a stab in the stomach. The response is basically that I will not see a normal return unless I get that operation that I have been saying NO to. I keep thinking that I will say yes and then suddenly my spirit tells me NO again and again. I get desperate for a time span and then suddenly courage takes me to the next place, one where I feel more sure about saying NO. I am like a fish flapping on the boat after being caught by a fisherman. I am like a whale that has been cast onto the shore by accident that cannot breath for a bit but then a group of animal activists come along with a crane and get me back in just in time for me to live and just when I thought I took my last breath. I am like the child born that suddenly starts to breathe letting out a loud cry assuring those around me that yes I am alive. It is like I become born again and again.
Tonight I spent a wonderful couple of hours at dinner with my daughters, my former wife, my grandkid Mia and my husband. It was a sweet time and I think they saw a more vulnerable side of me and a side of me that could be truthful about the way that I felt at the moment. My feelings were everywhere and during the time my daughters took turns sitting by me and touching my hand. I could feel a profound love, the loving touches I'd missed for the last month. There was a part of me that was present, most of me, and then there was the other part of me that wished I would have stayed at OHI and had the courage to see it through. What I realise at this moment is that I had very little support system and there was too much fear and not enough faith. I see now the need for me to forgive myself and the need to not be in such judgement about myself. The need to go easy on myself and not be harsh on me or others around me. No one is to blame and no one needs to be fixed,
not even me.
So what is the next step? I don't know really. Do I wish I did? Oh yes I surely do wish I knew. Right now all I can do is stay steady as possible, not let my pride get involved, allow my ego to take a rest in the back seat and dance if I need to dance. I need to swallow. I sense that I need to do nothing and I mean nothing. I sense that the most active thing that I must do is listen and listen closely. Most of all I think that Goddess is asking me to step up to the light and let it shine on me until I am warm enough to have the courage to say YES to what needs to be.
I so wish I could cry. I have done more of that lately I admit. My heart feels like it is longing to be heard and wanting to be healed. My soul wants to forgive and not blame or shame Elliott. My spirit wants to dance around like a child wearing the tutu that he was not allowed to even think about least of all wear it. My soul wants my heart to heal and my spirit wants me child to go ahead and dance. I want to know why it is that when I was a little boy someone did not tell me that I was perfectly fine just as I was and that there was nothing wrong with me. I want to not run too fast or pretend that everything is fine. I no longer have a need to lie about what my heart is feeling: fear, anger, resentment, jealousy, uncertainty or doubt. I want to be able to fall to my knees and ask for God's mercy.
I want to sob until I am healed.
The big one is still about me getting my head out of my ass and into my heart. I know that seems easy but when our head gets stuck way into our butt it is the damnedest thing. I guess some butts might be tighter than others and frankly I am almost sure mine is wound up way too tight too often. I won't get graphic but to say that learning to relax will make the situation a bit easier. The more I relax and allow thing to unfold the more I feel closer to clarity and light. The more I let go the more I get going. The more I surrender the more I feel peaceful. The more peaceful I feel the better a decision I will make.
After seeing the doctor yesterday and showing him my intimate swollen parts of me, emotionally and physically I realised just how limited I am and just how limited his thinking is as well. At first it felt like a stab in the stomach. The response is basically that I will not see a normal return unless I get that operation that I have been saying NO to. I keep thinking that I will say yes and then suddenly my spirit tells me NO again and again. I get desperate for a time span and then suddenly courage takes me to the next place, one where I feel more sure about saying NO. I am like a fish flapping on the boat after being caught by a fisherman. I am like a whale that has been cast onto the shore by accident that cannot breath for a bit but then a group of animal activists come along with a crane and get me back in just in time for me to live and just when I thought I took my last breath. I am like the child born that suddenly starts to breathe letting out a loud cry assuring those around me that yes I am alive. It is like I become born again and again.
Tonight I spent a wonderful couple of hours at dinner with my daughters, my former wife, my grandkid Mia and my husband. It was a sweet time and I think they saw a more vulnerable side of me and a side of me that could be truthful about the way that I felt at the moment. My feelings were everywhere and during the time my daughters took turns sitting by me and touching my hand. I could feel a profound love, the loving touches I'd missed for the last month. There was a part of me that was present, most of me, and then there was the other part of me that wished I would have stayed at OHI and had the courage to see it through. What I realise at this moment is that I had very little support system and there was too much fear and not enough faith. I see now the need for me to forgive myself and the need to not be in such judgement about myself. The need to go easy on myself and not be harsh on me or others around me. No one is to blame and no one needs to be fixed,
not even me.
So what is the next step? I don't know really. Do I wish I did? Oh yes I surely do wish I knew. Right now all I can do is stay steady as possible, not let my pride get involved, allow my ego to take a rest in the back seat and dance if I need to dance. I need to swallow. I sense that I need to do nothing and I mean nothing. I sense that the most active thing that I must do is listen and listen closely. Most of all I think that Goddess is asking me to step up to the light and let it shine on me until I am warm enough to have the courage to say YES to what needs to be.
I so wish I could cry. I have done more of that lately I admit. My heart feels like it is longing to be heard and wanting to be healed. My soul wants to forgive and not blame or shame Elliott. My spirit wants to dance around like a child wearing the tutu that he was not allowed to even think about least of all wear it. My soul wants my heart to heal and my spirit wants me child to go ahead and dance. I want to know why it is that when I was a little boy someone did not tell me that I was perfectly fine just as I was and that there was nothing wrong with me. I want to not run too fast or pretend that everything is fine. I no longer have a need to lie about what my heart is feeling: fear, anger, resentment, jealousy, uncertainty or doubt. I want to be able to fall to my knees and ask for God's mercy.
I want to sob until I am healed.
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