Cancer and Dance
I like to think that I am somewhat original and then I realize that I am not. I am just like everyone else with all the faults and all the gifts and all the flaws within. This day I get to test my nerves because it is the last day of radiation before the last week of rad and chemo combined. I think that cocktail will either kill me or make me a better man. I am afraid of the latter of course.
My heart dances each time I think to dance and each time I forget that others gave up on me and that like Katy Perry said: "this is a part of me that you'll never ever take away from me". One person leaves you and like me you are devastated and I certainly don't blame you. I think that love is just what we hold onto to tight that it hurts us. Life is hard and so is the pain of cancer but nothing is worse than one man who said he loved me who then abandoned me promptly and without seemingly giving it a second thought. I am left to figure out why but honestly that alone is a waste of my good energy.
and so what I do with my energy is I expel it on Elliott and on healing Elliott. It is the best thing I can do with it and the most useful use of my time. I am busy taking care of Elliott and meeting his needs in spite of the fact that the abuser said: "It cannot always be about Elliott, the victim". I beg to differ and say that it is about me and it can be for once. This is my time and my place in the world and this is my battle to fight. Don't let anyone tell you who you are and what to focus on. It is that person who proposes you focus on them like he did many nights. Asking me to allow him to masturbate on me or massage his back. It was not the kind of life I wanted so eventually I sabotaged it and of course it worked. Now I am remorseful but not sorry I went for it.
I have power over certain people and I am the keeper of their dreams. My daughters Taina and Camille and my kids Mia and Isabella. I keep their dreams and I know that I cannot and should not ever abuse the power I have over them emotionally. I know that being a good parent means that I don't have to control them or steal their dreams or tell them what to dream. I am not a Tyler and I am not influenced by that type of conditional loving. I don't snatch graves from old men and I don't take his ten year companion and literally ignore her needs the way they did. I pray for them because that is what I was taught to do while not judging them to harshly every time I speak to the companion who cried at the mere fact that not one family member honored her lover of ten long years. In fact what they did do was to leave her stuck with a bill for a wheelchair they did not bother to return upon her request. Instead here is a 95 year old woman stuck with their shit. Shit they did not want to do. Unbelievable.
Tonight I will go the a ballet with my daughter and I will sit next to someone I know respects and loves me. She won't steel my grave. She won't try to stop me from dancing. She will in fact encourage me to dance. She is not the snatcher of graves nor is she the snatcher of love. She is my kid and although she is I always say she is a much improved version of me. A girl who is on fire from and dad who tried his best. I did not do right by her every year of her life but I did what I knew how to do. She herself acknowledged that I did the best I could without having it modeled for me. My father abandoned me. Yet my grandfather said: Love is the answer. I believed him.
to be continued...
coach Elliott
My heart dances each time I think to dance and each time I forget that others gave up on me and that like Katy Perry said: "this is a part of me that you'll never ever take away from me". One person leaves you and like me you are devastated and I certainly don't blame you. I think that love is just what we hold onto to tight that it hurts us. Life is hard and so is the pain of cancer but nothing is worse than one man who said he loved me who then abandoned me promptly and without seemingly giving it a second thought. I am left to figure out why but honestly that alone is a waste of my good energy.
and so what I do with my energy is I expel it on Elliott and on healing Elliott. It is the best thing I can do with it and the most useful use of my time. I am busy taking care of Elliott and meeting his needs in spite of the fact that the abuser said: "It cannot always be about Elliott, the victim". I beg to differ and say that it is about me and it can be for once. This is my time and my place in the world and this is my battle to fight. Don't let anyone tell you who you are and what to focus on. It is that person who proposes you focus on them like he did many nights. Asking me to allow him to masturbate on me or massage his back. It was not the kind of life I wanted so eventually I sabotaged it and of course it worked. Now I am remorseful but not sorry I went for it.
I have power over certain people and I am the keeper of their dreams. My daughters Taina and Camille and my kids Mia and Isabella. I keep their dreams and I know that I cannot and should not ever abuse the power I have over them emotionally. I know that being a good parent means that I don't have to control them or steal their dreams or tell them what to dream. I am not a Tyler and I am not influenced by that type of conditional loving. I don't snatch graves from old men and I don't take his ten year companion and literally ignore her needs the way they did. I pray for them because that is what I was taught to do while not judging them to harshly every time I speak to the companion who cried at the mere fact that not one family member honored her lover of ten long years. In fact what they did do was to leave her stuck with a bill for a wheelchair they did not bother to return upon her request. Instead here is a 95 year old woman stuck with their shit. Shit they did not want to do. Unbelievable.
Tonight I will go the a ballet with my daughter and I will sit next to someone I know respects and loves me. She won't steel my grave. She won't try to stop me from dancing. She will in fact encourage me to dance. She is not the snatcher of graves nor is she the snatcher of love. She is my kid and although she is I always say she is a much improved version of me. A girl who is on fire from and dad who tried his best. I did not do right by her every year of her life but I did what I knew how to do. She herself acknowledged that I did the best I could without having it modeled for me. My father abandoned me. Yet my grandfather said: Love is the answer. I believed him.
to be continued...
coach Elliott
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