Cancer Loves Us
I think that today is going to be a great day. It finally warmed up a little more so I can spend some time out on my deck. Amen to that. I am also in my place of meditation and prayer energy and will be all day. My friends who are here are leaving to visit others from out of state and then returning later tonight. I am so happy that the plan is later to have dinner with other friends coming in from the city: Susan and her partner. They are bunches of love and are taking me to my favorite place, Francesca in West Dundee. I will make a lovely reservation for all of us and in celebration of my birthday.
Each day is another chance to place my hand over my heart and to begin to process my feelings and my needs. I see where others have a limited focus and today was a great example for me. Lots of chatter around me that I forgot about and that others have to have in their life in order to feel OK about them and me? I am not sure but it feels better to be alone and in pain than with others who need to be in the noise and chatter. I live a bit of a different life because I have to and because God said to. I embrace that I am in pain almost all the time even when on pain meds. I have to monitor me because I am alone a lot and have figured out my own bio messages. My body is my best teller of what to do and when. I am listening and when I say goodbye to others in their head I seem to get into my heart a little easier. Accepting my mortality is one thing and then the interpretation of their acceptance of my mortality is different and I cannot and will not try to figure it out.
It is a sunny beautiful day is all I know. I have said I know nothing and don't. I said I would not do harm to myself or others by trying to know what I don't know and what is not my job to know. All I need to do is my own work as guided by source: God, Goddess, and friends like my pastor. My daughter Camille is likely the most understanding and close to me right now as she was the caregiver for her grandmother when she died of cancer a few years ago. When I am in deep pain and I say that I want to go and transition she always affirms me and never seems to be in alignment with anything but my highest good while juggling her life that is really hard for her. Again, my job is to take care of Elliott. I am as independent as I can be.
My friend who earlier wanted to cry because I do this alone at times just got up and left and I am proud of her for doing her thing. I could interpret her visit as her coming to stay with me and just use my home as home base for a nice weekend and her not focusing on me, but I would rather not see it that way. She needs her time away and she has battled with her own illnesses. I am not the judge and need to stay inside my jurisdiction.
So today it will be about rest and relaxation preparing for the good fight with chemo and radiation. I will fight it and fight it until I win or lose! Today I will go to dinner at my fave place to eat and I will bask in the gratitude of living. Today I will check in with my client in Ca. Today I will make this day full of potential until I am ready and god is ready to heal me and heal me and heal me! Yeah God.
Elliott
Each day is another chance to place my hand over my heart and to begin to process my feelings and my needs. I see where others have a limited focus and today was a great example for me. Lots of chatter around me that I forgot about and that others have to have in their life in order to feel OK about them and me? I am not sure but it feels better to be alone and in pain than with others who need to be in the noise and chatter. I live a bit of a different life because I have to and because God said to. I embrace that I am in pain almost all the time even when on pain meds. I have to monitor me because I am alone a lot and have figured out my own bio messages. My body is my best teller of what to do and when. I am listening and when I say goodbye to others in their head I seem to get into my heart a little easier. Accepting my mortality is one thing and then the interpretation of their acceptance of my mortality is different and I cannot and will not try to figure it out.
It is a sunny beautiful day is all I know. I have said I know nothing and don't. I said I would not do harm to myself or others by trying to know what I don't know and what is not my job to know. All I need to do is my own work as guided by source: God, Goddess, and friends like my pastor. My daughter Camille is likely the most understanding and close to me right now as she was the caregiver for her grandmother when she died of cancer a few years ago. When I am in deep pain and I say that I want to go and transition she always affirms me and never seems to be in alignment with anything but my highest good while juggling her life that is really hard for her. Again, my job is to take care of Elliott. I am as independent as I can be.
My friend who earlier wanted to cry because I do this alone at times just got up and left and I am proud of her for doing her thing. I could interpret her visit as her coming to stay with me and just use my home as home base for a nice weekend and her not focusing on me, but I would rather not see it that way. She needs her time away and she has battled with her own illnesses. I am not the judge and need to stay inside my jurisdiction.
So today it will be about rest and relaxation preparing for the good fight with chemo and radiation. I will fight it and fight it until I win or lose! Today I will go to dinner at my fave place to eat and I will bask in the gratitude of living. Today I will check in with my client in Ca. Today I will make this day full of potential until I am ready and god is ready to heal me and heal me and heal me! Yeah God.
Elliott
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