Living and Dying

I cannot remember a more dark time in my life than when my father left my mother.  She was angry and I did not know why until one day she looked at me and stated: "you look just like your father" and then left the room in not just a dismissive manner but one that sent me the memo that I was not good enough, in fact I was flawed.  It was likely then that I decided I would make her wrong but what I did not know was that no matter what I said or did I would never be enough.  To her dying day my mother did not admit to any wrong doing never mind that she'd abused me emotionally and physically.  I forgave me mother a long time ago, knowing that she did the best she could.  Yet I will never completely forget the many times I wished myself dead.  As it turns out my youngest sister committed suicide and what I know now is that I am a survivor and that there is much to be grateful for.  Three degrees later: a BA in Education, An MA in Administration and another MA in Spiritual Psychology.  Still it was never enough for my mother who found it difficult if not impossible to acknowledge my success or even say that she was proud of me.  If it were left to my validation from my mom I would still be waiting to value my life and my own accomplishments.  In the end, my most exquisite accomplishment has been to live as fully as I know how.

Life can deal us some tough times and for some of us so tough we cannot take it.  Many of us check out via suicide like my sister and a good friend of mine's son.  I remember the day that my sister took her life.  It was one of the most painful situations of my life.  Yet I overcame it and moved on to live a full life and to become my highest self.  I recall one time when I was out at dinner in my favorite restaurant and cops were swarming the area.  The host came over to me and shared: "someone jumped out of their window in a building close by, to their death".  I felt a deep sadness inside of me knowing that a young man had to have felt so helpless as to want to die.  The truth is that we must want to live.  We must have a dream and we must have a zest for life.  No matter what happens to us we know we will die yet it is how we live that matters most.  Denying we will die is silly but thinking about death all the time will rob us of the happy life we are meant to live.  Life can deal us some messed up cards and we will all have some things happen that make us question our worth but we must know that life is a process.  Although the end is death we can still be happy while being honest about the fact that we will cease to be in the form we live in now.

Every commercial we see on TV reminds us that we are simply not good enough.  Ads in magazines tell women that they are not beautiful enough, slim enough or the right race.  We must know who we are because we are constantly bombarded by lies.  We are often times subjected to an array of shaming messages by people who know this is one good way to make money from things that will alter us or make us feel temporarily better.  This is why we must understand who we are and that at the core of who we are is a spiritual being.  We will live forever but we never hear that in any commercial.  We are a gift yet that is not what we hear the most.  We are responsible to know our value and to avoid anything and anyone that takes that truth from us in any form.  Death is inevitable that is true, but we don't have to buy into the notion that we are not good enough because when we do we live only a partial life and die in a frame of incompletion.

Dying seems an odd subject to talk about yet not talking about it does not make it better to accept.  I believe it makes it harder when we don't simply face it and admit it.  I believe that death is a celebration similar to birth because we are in fact born again in another way.

Elliott Maximo Collazo