Humble Me God
I am reminded of how short life can be and the possibilities seem to be growing on my skin in the form of cancer. I should be afraid but the denial of others around me keeps me in denial, perhaps to my highest good. When I visit the doctor on Monday he will decide in what will seem like a moment how much radiation I need and where my medical journey will go next. What I sense because I know my body that it is growing a little too fast for me and perhaps a little too fast for my daughters and my Isabella and my beautiful Mia. Yet it is growing in perfect timing with whatever god has planned for me.
After attending my husband's grandfather's wake and hearing his response to his grandson about where to place his ashes: "Put it wherever the hell you want, I will be dead so I won't know the difference" I understand the humor that is needed to navigate whatever life hands you, just as this ninety five year old lived his life and to the end feeling the joy of living. They say that there are others who don't feel the joy until they are in their death bed but this was not one of those men. He felt the joy every day of his life and was in love with his girlfriend who was an old fashioned lady who would not have thought of "living in sin". No one knew better then he the value of life in the last year when he went from walking, talking, laughing, joking and playing cards to a walker and then a wheelchair. God had decided this to be his time and god will decide mine. He will also decide yours as well. I don't like to be alone in this equation of life.
Today was a learning experience as I witnessed my ability to sit for an hour with a man at the wake who had something to say to me. He said it openly and honestly and allowed himself to be vulnerable. The pain and the joy in his tone was my teacher and now I know why I am here still to do what needs to be done no matter how insignificant I think it is or others might evaluate it to be. Even I know that I cannot escape the service that I am to do on this earth to the very freaking end. At one point in our talk I said "surrender" when I realized that he thought I meant lay down and die to which I added, "I mean surrender it to god, because the truth is that you had no control of the outcome". He thanked me and in the end it was not about me serving him it was in fact him becoming my best teacher. Elliott, you are here because God said stay for now and god said I have a couple of more things for you to do. So don't lay down yet and don't feel sorry for Elliott just yet. It is ironic but really more than anything it is the truth. As I know it anyway.
As I write this I cannot help think how talented I have become. I can hold the tissue paper with my chin as I rip the part off that I need to clean my bag while kneeling in front of the toilet. Do not tell me I am not talented. Do not tell me that I can't chew gum and run at the same time. Soon I will be running with scissors and not so much as nick myself. For now I will be OK with learning the new skills that I need to make it so that the toilet paper is not spilling onto the floor or wrapped around my head. Funny how life deals us that humbling experience. I keep asking Elliott not to cry, not every time I have to clean myself up or hide evidence of my new form. Each and every time god says that I am fine and that I will either survive it or graciously retire. Either way, I am going to find the wisdome and the courage to sting and then pray for someone else. I so love those how love me, especially God.
Lastly, before I left for the wake this afternoon I googled testical cancer. The first thing I saw was vivid picture. That was as far as I could go and so I decided not to take that walk. I gave myself permission to turn the switch on my iPad and go take a shower without feeling sorry for me. The water ran over my still think body and my soul asked me to be present for my husband at a time when he is dealing with the loss of a loved one. I am unsure as to what this means in the end and as I started sharing, my doctor will decide what is next along with the God that resides in every office of every doctor and that I carry inside of myself whether he or I like it or not. God and queers are everywhere.
After attending my husband's grandfather's wake and hearing his response to his grandson about where to place his ashes: "Put it wherever the hell you want, I will be dead so I won't know the difference" I understand the humor that is needed to navigate whatever life hands you, just as this ninety five year old lived his life and to the end feeling the joy of living. They say that there are others who don't feel the joy until they are in their death bed but this was not one of those men. He felt the joy every day of his life and was in love with his girlfriend who was an old fashioned lady who would not have thought of "living in sin". No one knew better then he the value of life in the last year when he went from walking, talking, laughing, joking and playing cards to a walker and then a wheelchair. God had decided this to be his time and god will decide mine. He will also decide yours as well. I don't like to be alone in this equation of life.
Today was a learning experience as I witnessed my ability to sit for an hour with a man at the wake who had something to say to me. He said it openly and honestly and allowed himself to be vulnerable. The pain and the joy in his tone was my teacher and now I know why I am here still to do what needs to be done no matter how insignificant I think it is or others might evaluate it to be. Even I know that I cannot escape the service that I am to do on this earth to the very freaking end. At one point in our talk I said "surrender" when I realized that he thought I meant lay down and die to which I added, "I mean surrender it to god, because the truth is that you had no control of the outcome". He thanked me and in the end it was not about me serving him it was in fact him becoming my best teacher. Elliott, you are here because God said stay for now and god said I have a couple of more things for you to do. So don't lay down yet and don't feel sorry for Elliott just yet. It is ironic but really more than anything it is the truth. As I know it anyway.
As I write this I cannot help think how talented I have become. I can hold the tissue paper with my chin as I rip the part off that I need to clean my bag while kneeling in front of the toilet. Do not tell me I am not talented. Do not tell me that I can't chew gum and run at the same time. Soon I will be running with scissors and not so much as nick myself. For now I will be OK with learning the new skills that I need to make it so that the toilet paper is not spilling onto the floor or wrapped around my head. Funny how life deals us that humbling experience. I keep asking Elliott not to cry, not every time I have to clean myself up or hide evidence of my new form. Each and every time god says that I am fine and that I will either survive it or graciously retire. Either way, I am going to find the wisdome and the courage to sting and then pray for someone else. I so love those how love me, especially God.
Lastly, before I left for the wake this afternoon I googled testical cancer. The first thing I saw was vivid picture. That was as far as I could go and so I decided not to take that walk. I gave myself permission to turn the switch on my iPad and go take a shower without feeling sorry for me. The water ran over my still think body and my soul asked me to be present for my husband at a time when he is dealing with the loss of a loved one. I am unsure as to what this means in the end and as I started sharing, my doctor will decide what is next along with the God that resides in every office of every doctor and that I carry inside of myself whether he or I like it or not. God and queers are everywhere.
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