Life is Just Life
Today was a long day much like the one before with doctors and nurses, waiting rooms and machines. I sound like I am complaining but honestly I am not. I am rather grateful because in spite of the scan of my body there was a smile on each person's face. In spite of the early morning drive there was a person sitting next to me, my partner, guiding me and loving me in his special way. Today was a good day because I am closer to accepting that there is yet another chapter in my cancer journey and in my compassionate inner meter, not just for me but for my husband and my children. There has to be more than me involved in the process in my head but rather everyone who has loved and continues to love me, everyone who smiles at me and every person who touches me.
There are things I don't yet know about where this will lead but I am sure that it will lead to where it is to be. Where I am to be. With whom I am to be guided and whom will be my next teacher along the life journey. My life is not so special or different from others. I just happen to have cancer and there are others struggling with the exact stuff that I am struggling with one of which I spoke to on my way home from California as he proudly shined my shoes at the airport, telling me that he has fought the good fight himself and even had to have some male body parts cut off. All the time his wife stuck by him along with his kids. What a testament to love that was to listen to and to witness. Now I know why I had to hear it and when I looked down at my shoes I had never seen such an incredible job and such a beautiful shine. It was proof that a man is not his degree or his status but rather his worth is as high and prestigious as his relationship with his spirit and his inner pride. Lesson learned.
There will be chemo and there will be radiation for five weeks every day Monday to Friday. On Weekends I will lay down and allow God to heal me even more knowing in faith that I will be completely and utterly as whole as he or she decides. I will not try to alter the process nor will I fight it before I know it. I will not hold back the feelings or the questions yet have the faith that the doctor knows what he is doing and so do the nurses. As I left my short scan today I passed by a woman in her hospital robe and it looked ironically just like mine. That was a message to me that no matter how smart I think I am or how rich she might be or how short she is or how much we both weigh, we are exactly alike. Neither of us are special or better than the other because I happen to have one degree and she might have two. I have a funny feeling I will begin to make friends there in the midst of the pain and the treatments because Goddess says so.
I continue to have a challenge sleeping. I sleep for a couple of hours and then I wake up scared and sometimes in a state of some form of anxiety I never felt in my life before. I am helpless and yet I am not because I suddenly see the light of spirit around me and the message that I am alive and that I will be OK. Then I look at my emails and read all the prayerful thoughts and the loving words and I know I am not alone anymore even if for a moment I believed I was. Nothing happened to me while I slept and I am assured that I can go back to sleep and simply bear the feelings because like many other times this too shall pass.
So here is the lesson from the man who believed he was a teacher. We have everything we need inside of us. The wisdom, the courage, the fight, the strength and the faith. We already have all the tools we need and whatever we thought we were, that is in our past. When you think about the bills in the middle of the night and you awaken scared that someone is going to come and throw you and the children out of the house, take note that spirit has protected you and guided you for this long and that you will know what needs to be done or know what needs to be allowed to flow out of you. Give it to Spirit and then kneel down and thank him, her, it for giving you the courage to make it up to now and thank him or her for the food your children ate that evening. Fear not the evil or the dark thoughts that might try to take over because it is just life and life is just life.
There are things I don't yet know about where this will lead but I am sure that it will lead to where it is to be. Where I am to be. With whom I am to be guided and whom will be my next teacher along the life journey. My life is not so special or different from others. I just happen to have cancer and there are others struggling with the exact stuff that I am struggling with one of which I spoke to on my way home from California as he proudly shined my shoes at the airport, telling me that he has fought the good fight himself and even had to have some male body parts cut off. All the time his wife stuck by him along with his kids. What a testament to love that was to listen to and to witness. Now I know why I had to hear it and when I looked down at my shoes I had never seen such an incredible job and such a beautiful shine. It was proof that a man is not his degree or his status but rather his worth is as high and prestigious as his relationship with his spirit and his inner pride. Lesson learned.
There will be chemo and there will be radiation for five weeks every day Monday to Friday. On Weekends I will lay down and allow God to heal me even more knowing in faith that I will be completely and utterly as whole as he or she decides. I will not try to alter the process nor will I fight it before I know it. I will not hold back the feelings or the questions yet have the faith that the doctor knows what he is doing and so do the nurses. As I left my short scan today I passed by a woman in her hospital robe and it looked ironically just like mine. That was a message to me that no matter how smart I think I am or how rich she might be or how short she is or how much we both weigh, we are exactly alike. Neither of us are special or better than the other because I happen to have one degree and she might have two. I have a funny feeling I will begin to make friends there in the midst of the pain and the treatments because Goddess says so.
I continue to have a challenge sleeping. I sleep for a couple of hours and then I wake up scared and sometimes in a state of some form of anxiety I never felt in my life before. I am helpless and yet I am not because I suddenly see the light of spirit around me and the message that I am alive and that I will be OK. Then I look at my emails and read all the prayerful thoughts and the loving words and I know I am not alone anymore even if for a moment I believed I was. Nothing happened to me while I slept and I am assured that I can go back to sleep and simply bear the feelings because like many other times this too shall pass.
So here is the lesson from the man who believed he was a teacher. We have everything we need inside of us. The wisdom, the courage, the fight, the strength and the faith. We already have all the tools we need and whatever we thought we were, that is in our past. When you think about the bills in the middle of the night and you awaken scared that someone is going to come and throw you and the children out of the house, take note that spirit has protected you and guided you for this long and that you will know what needs to be done or know what needs to be allowed to flow out of you. Give it to Spirit and then kneel down and thank him, her, it for giving you the courage to make it up to now and thank him or her for the food your children ate that evening. Fear not the evil or the dark thoughts that might try to take over because it is just life and life is just life.
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