THe Acid Test?

My partner is likely not the only person that finds me to be "over the top" and "dramatic". Thank god for people like me that would not agree with him or some other folks in my life who think I would make a great actor, although I must say, I agree.  I would have loved to act and be as dramatic as I want to be and get paid for it, Hence that was not my lot in life.  Mine was to work as a teacher and then a school administrator and be called a bitch by boys who were raised by mothers who were struggling to survive, feed their kids and attempt to pay the rent on time.  Of course this was not the majority yet my lesson was to understand that my shit stank as much as theirs and that I would be someday humbled by the woman who waited by my BMW at the time to tell me that she really appreciated what I did for her son.  Who knew? In the thirty years that I worked for that board I took one parent to court who had told me she would slap the shit out of me at least three times.  Since the person I worked for at the time did not care about me enough to put a stop to her I called the police and filed a report.  To my dismay one of the board members asked her to get rid of me and hence I ended up retiring early because goddess decided that being de balled by someone who had every emotion inside in hiding, well some of them, decided that my not wearing socks with a suit jacket was simply not up to her freaking standards.  Amen to her and god bless her always.  In the scheme of things she matters so little now because unlike the cancer inside her mind I have it on my body because I should have sent her to hell many times over, instead I talked behind her back and stewed as I was injected with chemo and radiation.  At one point I asked the staff if they knew they could donate their sick days and she almost fell out of her chair emotionally.  She my friends was my best teacher and I forgave her a long time ago but let's be honest you don't forget that stuff.  Not to worry because I am not planning to go to her house or stalk her husband, he's too old.  The truth about this prestige, smart and delightful woman was that if she felt her emotions she might drop off the edge never to be seen again and today I wish I could embrace her and tell her just how hard life will get for her as it has me.  I am only grateful for the motivation to get the hell out.

What you might ask does this story have to do with anything? Nothing.  It has nothing to do with anything and these days it is called ranting.  I rant and rant and then I rant some more.  I rant about the woman disconnected to the death of her father who claimed her dad never told her he loved her and I rant about the nerve she has to complain when the same father made sure she did well and loved her enough to make sure she always had food on her table and Franciscan China in her dining room china cabinet.  I'd like to feel bad for her but she doesn't feel bad for anyone else and that makes me like her.  It is by far the hottest china I have seen in a blue that is not nice, it is equisite.  I am personally moved by her former taste and even excused the rather boring navy blu sofas far away from the area rug in the middle of the room.  If you are not scared well you have to see the pads on her dining table.  Nothing ever married anything in this room and it looks a little like no one in the room met each other.  The sofa chair as not met the table and the rug has not met the accessory table. No pressure but can we at least play some music? I don't wanna start no trouble.  Ok I said it and once I got in trouble because  i made a comment about a painted table that could be show cased by opening it and ended up in a triangle about how I insulted her when in fact it was one of the few times i though something interestng.

In Jamaica I hear queers are not embraced and so I stay home where i'm safe and instead I got to  Mexico where they bend over backwards to show you that it is OK to be whoever you are.  I am not sure but I don't feel my hear opening up to going to any area of the world where we cannot be who we re and be in our honety.  I hear it is a beautiful place yet the chance being rejected daunts me.  Soon our trip to Italy, France and India will all bring me my own set of experiences and wisdom that is needed simply to know who I am and to be embracing that  possibility.  My own homophobia is enough for me  for the time being.

Sitting in a pizza store with my family deeply saddened me while at the same time I became more and more detached. What I am learning quickly is how and why each person's ego gets played out and that one person gets to talk at a time.  No one is allowed to have a side conversation and no one get rewarded if the don't 'pass the acid test". The acid test is means that whoever the woman is she must be able to withstand playing all types of board games until she is exhausted and they determine is she is good enough.  I know that test and failed it.  Today I not only like board games better I have adopted a version where we don't care who the hell wins.  We are someday going to get as good at it  as they are except we will never care who wins.  After all we are family.  

Our "acid test" is about others feeling like there is  a  sprit coming out of them. Our acid test does not have a criteria to win or lose.  Our acid test has no acid because for us acid is toxic and we have enough acid in he world.   Our family as toxic conversation so don't get me wrong.  We are so not angles.  We talk about everything as if it were the last day to say it.  We talk about our back peeling from too much dryness.  We get crazy about how the next door neighbor has ten dogs that piss on people's legs.  We do acid tests but they are different fro theirs.  We do acid tests to figure outif someone   around us is needing to be loved and can be loved.  We don't do acid tests based on whether someone puts the folk on top or to the left of the fudging plate.