Healing From Abuse
I have been told that I am courageous for telling my own story in some of my blogs. I have even been told not to say too much and to be careful what I say. I was even asked to take down few blogs and I conceded. Yet what I know deep inside is that if I have the courage to share my own truth, my pain and my visions that it may help someone else. And so I once again I will share my story of healing from abuse in hope that it will be of service to others.
As a child of six I was abandoned by my father and what was left was my thoughts of sadness and of wondering what I'd done for him to leave. My mother became very angry and for a long time she struggled emotionally and in intervals was less than nurturing at times hitting me and my youngest sister. The abuse was both emotional and physical but for a long time I was unaware of just how bad it would get. As a small child I would break my own toys and then regret it. Now looking back on the behavior I understand that I believed I did not deserve the toys. In addition I started to have nightmares at a very early age. I would often times dream of being chased by animals or humans to be killed and at times I would die in my dream and suddenly awaken in such fear that I was paralyzed. I could not go to my mother because many times she was not home and most of the time she seemed to be checked out. Although today I love my mother and understand that she is a product of her own life experiences and that she did the best she could. There are in fact things that I love about myself that I would attribute to my mother's influence. Today I see her only on occasion but when I am with her I feel love towards her. I survived the abuse yet what I know is that there are many people dealing with abuse as I speak, most from someone who professes that they love them and some at the hands of their own family members. what I know is that there are some truly fool proof ways to combat abuse and to heal from it. Here are some of the ways that I feel that I was able to heal and continue to heal:
Forgiveness:
I slowly became aware that I can only heal if I am willing to forgive my abuser. As crazy as it sound to some people, there are mothers who have forgiven their child's killer and women who have forgiven their own brothers for sexually abusing them. It is when we are strong enough to fogive everyone for everything that we begin to find our own center.
Self Loving Work:
In order for us to heal from any abuse we must do the work. The work that we do is called self-loving work and it is acts of kindness towards ourselves every day. Whether it is becoming silent, praying, reading, singing or dancing all the self loving things we do are important to our own well being. We can never heal if we are not willing to do the work that it takes. For me it was a lot of reading, writing, mediating and dancing. For each of us it is different but when we find the way to healing we have hope that we are on our path to a better life.
Admitting the Truth:
I know that the day that I admitted that I was being abused by someone who was suppose to love me I had been bit by her in the chest. I would guess that my mother would never remember this happening and I know that she loves me today which is what matters now. When I admitted the truth that truth set me free and I was able to walk away from the abuse. Taking ourselves out of the situation as quickly as we can is likely the very first step to a life of joy. What we know about abuse is that many times we don't want to face it and pinpoint it as something that can happen to us. The moment we admit it we begin to take back our power.
Become determined and Don't give up:
It is hard to heal from abuse and I will be the first to say that it is. I have experience with abuse both by a parent and in a long term relationship. There were times when I wanted to give up and I wanted just to die because I could not see the end to the pain and anger inside of me. Yet something told me not to give up even in the face of the painful times and the sleepless nights. I would relive the abuse constantly and every time I felt like I would go down and drown I would get up again. I can only say that each time I realized that tomorrow could be different and something would happen to help me get through it simply because I did not give up.
It is my hope that this blog will help someone get through the abuse and the aftermath of it.
Elliott Maximo Collazo
As a child of six I was abandoned by my father and what was left was my thoughts of sadness and of wondering what I'd done for him to leave. My mother became very angry and for a long time she struggled emotionally and in intervals was less than nurturing at times hitting me and my youngest sister. The abuse was both emotional and physical but for a long time I was unaware of just how bad it would get. As a small child I would break my own toys and then regret it. Now looking back on the behavior I understand that I believed I did not deserve the toys. In addition I started to have nightmares at a very early age. I would often times dream of being chased by animals or humans to be killed and at times I would die in my dream and suddenly awaken in such fear that I was paralyzed. I could not go to my mother because many times she was not home and most of the time she seemed to be checked out. Although today I love my mother and understand that she is a product of her own life experiences and that she did the best she could. There are in fact things that I love about myself that I would attribute to my mother's influence. Today I see her only on occasion but when I am with her I feel love towards her. I survived the abuse yet what I know is that there are many people dealing with abuse as I speak, most from someone who professes that they love them and some at the hands of their own family members. what I know is that there are some truly fool proof ways to combat abuse and to heal from it. Here are some of the ways that I feel that I was able to heal and continue to heal:
Forgiveness:
I slowly became aware that I can only heal if I am willing to forgive my abuser. As crazy as it sound to some people, there are mothers who have forgiven their child's killer and women who have forgiven their own brothers for sexually abusing them. It is when we are strong enough to fogive everyone for everything that we begin to find our own center.
Self Loving Work:
In order for us to heal from any abuse we must do the work. The work that we do is called self-loving work and it is acts of kindness towards ourselves every day. Whether it is becoming silent, praying, reading, singing or dancing all the self loving things we do are important to our own well being. We can never heal if we are not willing to do the work that it takes. For me it was a lot of reading, writing, mediating and dancing. For each of us it is different but when we find the way to healing we have hope that we are on our path to a better life.
Admitting the Truth:
I know that the day that I admitted that I was being abused by someone who was suppose to love me I had been bit by her in the chest. I would guess that my mother would never remember this happening and I know that she loves me today which is what matters now. When I admitted the truth that truth set me free and I was able to walk away from the abuse. Taking ourselves out of the situation as quickly as we can is likely the very first step to a life of joy. What we know about abuse is that many times we don't want to face it and pinpoint it as something that can happen to us. The moment we admit it we begin to take back our power.
Become determined and Don't give up:
It is hard to heal from abuse and I will be the first to say that it is. I have experience with abuse both by a parent and in a long term relationship. There were times when I wanted to give up and I wanted just to die because I could not see the end to the pain and anger inside of me. Yet something told me not to give up even in the face of the painful times and the sleepless nights. I would relive the abuse constantly and every time I felt like I would go down and drown I would get up again. I can only say that each time I realized that tomorrow could be different and something would happen to help me get through it simply because I did not give up.
It is my hope that this blog will help someone get through the abuse and the aftermath of it.
Elliott Maximo Collazo
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