Boundaries
I love my clients because they often times remind me of subjects that matter and the things that many of us struggle with. One of the reminders today was the concept of boundaries and how difficult it can be to set and maintain healthy boundaries with others, especially those who are close to us and who make the mistake of routinely crossing our boundaries. No matter what we think there will be a repeated need to set new boundaries and to review and reset the old ones.
MaryAnne complained a lot about how her husband would constantly share her personal experiences with others in causual conversation often with the goal to get others to agree that she was wrong. I call it making someone wrong and this man seemed to be the expert on it. He would bring up something that was obviously personal about MaryAnne even after repeated requests from her to "tell his own story, not hers". Not only did her husband continue to ignore her boundaries it had gotten to the point where others were very uncomfortable around them because finally MaryAnne would stop him in public and say to him: "I have asked you not to tell my stories". Of course her husband never told his own stories instead opting to share the "sad" stories of others including her. MaryAnne was never able to get her husband to stop humiliating her and eventually they were divorced, yet this is a common example of a woman who did not insist on her boundaries from the start and who could not gain the respect she deserved.
With every relationship we are in there is always a need for us to let others know what is acceptable to us and what is not. In large part we ask others to treat us in a manner that is respectful and honors us in every way. When we allow others to cross our boundaries we set ourselves up for more disrespect. Setting boundaries with children for example has to be established at a very early age because what we will see is a child who grows up to cross our boundaries and not respect us as their elder. Setting boundaries early into a relationship is crucial and the more time has passed where there are no clear boundaries the worse it becomes and the more evidence of disrespect. People who believe they can cross boundaries, who have no verbal filters and who think they can do as they wish will test us over and over again and then sight the fact that we never said anything before or that we are being oversensitive. Once respect is lost it is much harder to retrieve it although it can be done.
A one on one talk with someone whom you deem worthy of maintaining a relationship with is the first step to resetting or reviewing boundaries. Before you meet with this person have a list of boundaries you feel he or she has crossed "inadvertently" and then reestablish the boundaries with this individual asking him or her if he understands them and is willing to comply. Don't make this a this for that negotiation. You take control of the meeting and refuse to fall prey to a contest of who will do what or who did what to whom. Let the person know that if he or she has something they need to share that you are willing to meet with them and address their concerns. You will know what it is a tit for tat situation and it is best to put a stop to it. Focus the dialog on what you came to talk to him or her about. Once you have set the boundaries ask the person if they have an idea as to how you should handle infractions and how they would handle infractions. Stick with those boundaries and always say something when they are crossed.
The reason we allow others to cross our boundaries is because we have a feeling of unworthiness and we don't want to "rock the boat". We avoid setting boundaries because we think others know what is acceptable to us. What we soon find out is that others do not know what we want, desire or expect, we have to share that with them. We are often raised with the notion that if we want something from someone else then we are selfish or self-centered. Therefor we avoid asking others to treat us with respect because we thing that we don't deserve it. While others may say that we are "over-sensitive" we must know that it is OK for us to be sensitive and want others to honor us with their words and deeds. Women have been known to tolerate abuse from a man for years and years without leaving yet abuse comes in many forms some I call soft core abuses. We must know that the sooner we stand our ground the better our lives will be for it.
MaryAnne complained a lot about how her husband would constantly share her personal experiences with others in causual conversation often with the goal to get others to agree that she was wrong. I call it making someone wrong and this man seemed to be the expert on it. He would bring up something that was obviously personal about MaryAnne even after repeated requests from her to "tell his own story, not hers". Not only did her husband continue to ignore her boundaries it had gotten to the point where others were very uncomfortable around them because finally MaryAnne would stop him in public and say to him: "I have asked you not to tell my stories". Of course her husband never told his own stories instead opting to share the "sad" stories of others including her. MaryAnne was never able to get her husband to stop humiliating her and eventually they were divorced, yet this is a common example of a woman who did not insist on her boundaries from the start and who could not gain the respect she deserved.
With every relationship we are in there is always a need for us to let others know what is acceptable to us and what is not. In large part we ask others to treat us in a manner that is respectful and honors us in every way. When we allow others to cross our boundaries we set ourselves up for more disrespect. Setting boundaries with children for example has to be established at a very early age because what we will see is a child who grows up to cross our boundaries and not respect us as their elder. Setting boundaries early into a relationship is crucial and the more time has passed where there are no clear boundaries the worse it becomes and the more evidence of disrespect. People who believe they can cross boundaries, who have no verbal filters and who think they can do as they wish will test us over and over again and then sight the fact that we never said anything before or that we are being oversensitive. Once respect is lost it is much harder to retrieve it although it can be done.
A one on one talk with someone whom you deem worthy of maintaining a relationship with is the first step to resetting or reviewing boundaries. Before you meet with this person have a list of boundaries you feel he or she has crossed "inadvertently" and then reestablish the boundaries with this individual asking him or her if he understands them and is willing to comply. Don't make this a this for that negotiation. You take control of the meeting and refuse to fall prey to a contest of who will do what or who did what to whom. Let the person know that if he or she has something they need to share that you are willing to meet with them and address their concerns. You will know what it is a tit for tat situation and it is best to put a stop to it. Focus the dialog on what you came to talk to him or her about. Once you have set the boundaries ask the person if they have an idea as to how you should handle infractions and how they would handle infractions. Stick with those boundaries and always say something when they are crossed.
The reason we allow others to cross our boundaries is because we have a feeling of unworthiness and we don't want to "rock the boat". We avoid setting boundaries because we think others know what is acceptable to us. What we soon find out is that others do not know what we want, desire or expect, we have to share that with them. We are often raised with the notion that if we want something from someone else then we are selfish or self-centered. Therefor we avoid asking others to treat us with respect because we thing that we don't deserve it. While others may say that we are "over-sensitive" we must know that it is OK for us to be sensitive and want others to honor us with their words and deeds. Women have been known to tolerate abuse from a man for years and years without leaving yet abuse comes in many forms some I call soft core abuses. We must know that the sooner we stand our ground the better our lives will be for it.
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