How To Be Single
I must begin this by stating that I love, love, love, being single. It is the best thing ever. Yet it was not always like this. In fact, being single is hard at first for those of us who have only known long term relationships between short stints of being single. Now that I have the hang of it and now that I have embraced and enjoyed it I find there is nothing better, at least for me. Still I wish there would have been a good handbook on how to evolve as a single person. That being said here is my little handbook on "How To Be Single" and here are some of the things that helped me evolve into a happily single man:
Read and read some more:
One of those times that I was single, before I made the bad decision to to "internet dating" I decided that I would begin a quest to learning all that I could about the human condition. I was led to a small book called the "Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz and from that point on I have been reading "self-help" books that I would rather view as self-knowledge and self-loving texts. I then read "A Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson and then Sonia Choquettes book: "Your Heart's Desire. I have read books by Iyanna Vanzant and books by Deepak Chopra. Every time I read a book I learned more about myself, life and how to help me grow. My observation of myself was that with each book I became more of who I was meant to be and less of what others tried to tell me I was. I also realized that it is the best therapy ever and that if I don't like a book I can put it away and start another one. There is an endless array of books that help us to understand the human condition and assist us in getting to know what motivates us and what is holding us back. I share this with all of you because I don't know all the answers and I was tired of pretending I did. I wanted to become a single happy man and I can honestly say I have never been more sure of that. There is a lot of wisdom to be read out there, things that will help each of us uncover what is holding us back from our divine and sacred path.
Live it up and then dance some more:
I love to dance, especially salsa. I love the movement, love the music and love the intimacy of dancing with someone. When we are single it is important to learn to have fun on our own doing the things that bring us joy, that lift us up. It is imperative that we do the things we like to do including taking vacations and taking the risk of learning new things. For some of us this means a constant busy schedule but that is not what I am talking about here. It is just as valuable for us to spend time alone just chilling and relaxing. Whether it is meditation or a pottery class does not matter. It is just us getting to know what we like and what lifts us up. When we are single we have the chance to do all the things we would like and just being. How to be single becomes more about how to live a full life without anyone holding our hand.
Get support:
The very first thing that many of us need is support. When we become single we may feel a sense of loneliness that is different from before. There are many professionals to choose from from a psychologist to a life coach. The thing is not to depend on a friend or family member to replace a routine schedule of counseling or coaching. You may think you don't need any assistance but most of us do and there is nothing to take pause about. Get that help that you need.
Don't look for anything or anyone:
While you are single, don't look for love. No one really needs to look for love and the fact is that many times when we are desperately seeking love we find a lot of other things that a disguised as love. Don't get on some horrific dating site. Don't try to find anyone, in fact don't look, period. When it is time for you to meet that person you will, in the meantime move into your own life and own your own life. Also know that if you are at home day after day, no one is coming to the door and of course you will likely not meet anyone. I am not sure where we got this notion that we needed to look for someone, but we don't and we should not be looking. I say let it unfold "organically".
Believe in your skills and your life:
One of the things we sometimes struggle with is believing we have the skills in life to be alone and function alone. I think we just get use to someone doing things for us so we just have to adjust to doing it on our own. Washing clothes, paying bills, cleaning and cooking are these life skills that we may need to relearn. Believe that you can do all the things you need to do on your own and learn the skills you may not be as well versed in or that someone else did for you. There is also this important matter of believing in yourself and knowing that you can be happy alone. The difference is that now you have the luxury of of spending time with yourself and growing as you go on this new journey. See the joy in being single and free. See the advantages of being on your own, no strings attached and responsible for your own happiness,
I often share this story about a friend who came to my home. In a brief conversation I said that I loved being in my home and that I needed that time alone. She looked at me and said: "I would spend time at home if my home looked like this". There was a certain amount of sadness I felt for her about that disconnect between home and her. I decided to share: "you could make your home beautiful, inviting and peaceful too". The look on her face was like: "why bother" and what I sensed was that her home was just a place to "crash". There was not any reason to make it special in her mind. When we are single we must understand that home is a place where we can create a space of joy, a sacred space and a place where we truly live. When we are alone it's more important than ever to create a space inside that we enjoy, interact with and expresses our individuality. We don't have to be married to buy a home, love our home, tend to our home and make it a sanctuary. Learning to live as a single man has had it's moments yet now I would have trouble sharing my single life. What I know is that being single can be quite rewarding and joyful and I recommend everyone try it.
Read and read some more:
One of those times that I was single, before I made the bad decision to to "internet dating" I decided that I would begin a quest to learning all that I could about the human condition. I was led to a small book called the "Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz and from that point on I have been reading "self-help" books that I would rather view as self-knowledge and self-loving texts. I then read "A Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson and then Sonia Choquettes book: "Your Heart's Desire. I have read books by Iyanna Vanzant and books by Deepak Chopra. Every time I read a book I learned more about myself, life and how to help me grow. My observation of myself was that with each book I became more of who I was meant to be and less of what others tried to tell me I was. I also realized that it is the best therapy ever and that if I don't like a book I can put it away and start another one. There is an endless array of books that help us to understand the human condition and assist us in getting to know what motivates us and what is holding us back. I share this with all of you because I don't know all the answers and I was tired of pretending I did. I wanted to become a single happy man and I can honestly say I have never been more sure of that. There is a lot of wisdom to be read out there, things that will help each of us uncover what is holding us back from our divine and sacred path.
Live it up and then dance some more:
I love to dance, especially salsa. I love the movement, love the music and love the intimacy of dancing with someone. When we are single it is important to learn to have fun on our own doing the things that bring us joy, that lift us up. It is imperative that we do the things we like to do including taking vacations and taking the risk of learning new things. For some of us this means a constant busy schedule but that is not what I am talking about here. It is just as valuable for us to spend time alone just chilling and relaxing. Whether it is meditation or a pottery class does not matter. It is just us getting to know what we like and what lifts us up. When we are single we have the chance to do all the things we would like and just being. How to be single becomes more about how to live a full life without anyone holding our hand.
Get support:
The very first thing that many of us need is support. When we become single we may feel a sense of loneliness that is different from before. There are many professionals to choose from from a psychologist to a life coach. The thing is not to depend on a friend or family member to replace a routine schedule of counseling or coaching. You may think you don't need any assistance but most of us do and there is nothing to take pause about. Get that help that you need.
Don't look for anything or anyone:
While you are single, don't look for love. No one really needs to look for love and the fact is that many times when we are desperately seeking love we find a lot of other things that a disguised as love. Don't get on some horrific dating site. Don't try to find anyone, in fact don't look, period. When it is time for you to meet that person you will, in the meantime move into your own life and own your own life. Also know that if you are at home day after day, no one is coming to the door and of course you will likely not meet anyone. I am not sure where we got this notion that we needed to look for someone, but we don't and we should not be looking. I say let it unfold "organically".
Believe in your skills and your life:
One of the things we sometimes struggle with is believing we have the skills in life to be alone and function alone. I think we just get use to someone doing things for us so we just have to adjust to doing it on our own. Washing clothes, paying bills, cleaning and cooking are these life skills that we may need to relearn. Believe that you can do all the things you need to do on your own and learn the skills you may not be as well versed in or that someone else did for you. There is also this important matter of believing in yourself and knowing that you can be happy alone. The difference is that now you have the luxury of of spending time with yourself and growing as you go on this new journey. See the joy in being single and free. See the advantages of being on your own, no strings attached and responsible for your own happiness,
I often share this story about a friend who came to my home. In a brief conversation I said that I loved being in my home and that I needed that time alone. She looked at me and said: "I would spend time at home if my home looked like this". There was a certain amount of sadness I felt for her about that disconnect between home and her. I decided to share: "you could make your home beautiful, inviting and peaceful too". The look on her face was like: "why bother" and what I sensed was that her home was just a place to "crash". There was not any reason to make it special in her mind. When we are single we must understand that home is a place where we can create a space of joy, a sacred space and a place where we truly live. When we are alone it's more important than ever to create a space inside that we enjoy, interact with and expresses our individuality. We don't have to be married to buy a home, love our home, tend to our home and make it a sanctuary. Learning to live as a single man has had it's moments yet now I would have trouble sharing my single life. What I know is that being single can be quite rewarding and joyful and I recommend everyone try it.
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