Coach Elliott

I have literally heard parents tell their children, "serve yourself!"  I am often times stunned when a parent asks a child to come to him with wording like: "get the fuck over here!".  Although for some it is shocking I have unfortunately heard it so many times that I too have become null and void to it.  The only time I would say anything to a parent who was verbally abusive was when I was a school administrator and even then I would sometimes just give them that teacher look I learned so well and they would respond with: "my bad, Mr. Collazo, sorry" or something that resembled that.  I personally feel as though parents are here to serve their children and not to abuse or bully them.  I believe with all my heart that we are the first teachers and that by serving our children with love and zest we show them that it is OK to serve and that we are here to serve one another. Brian had a boyfriend who he bought a pair of shoes for because frankly (in his wor...

Rarely if any person changes because we wish for them to change.  It is probably true that we cannot teach dogs new tricks, yet we seem to be bent on doing just that, especially women who try so hard to change a man.  The fact is that it is rarely if ever possible to change someone's mode of being that is ingrained in them over a very long period of a life time.  People are who they are and by the time they are a ripe adult age they have developed habits and behaviors that will last their entire life. Men unlike women do not normally seek ways to transform and in fact find it "sissy" to be in counseling or to join any type of support group.  Men like to think that they can change themselves and change the world with brut force.  In our society we have a tendency to raise men differently from women giving them concessions so that they can express their maleness.  Although it is true that boys are different from girls we tend to take the differences a bit t...

I am not sure if everyone out there knows what being in a funk is but I do know that we have all had our moments when things seem not to have a solution or we feel down but cannot pin point why.  Being in a funk is not fun, but on the up side it is a way for our mind to tell us, something needs to be looked into.  When we are in a place of dreary thoughts we are being asked by spirit source to look more closely at our life and how we are living it.  It is time to check in and ask: What do I need right now?  Or What is my spirit asking of me? Being in a state of confusion of any sort requires us to silence everything and do what it is that brings us peace.  Prayer, meditation, reverent silence or rest are some of the things that our self-nurturing part of us is asking us to do.  By quieting all the outer distractions and the negative inner messages and meditating or praying we can re-center ourselves and clear the cobwebs in our mind and come to terms with...

As a very young child my grandmother who seemed of no particular religion but said she considered herself Catholic shared what she deemed miracles.  I would listen attentively becasue she had a way with words, as I like to think of my own story telling, but moments after I heard it if not the next time darkness befell on me I dismissed it as fiction.  I just didn't beleive it, and it was that simple.   As some may know life has since dealt me some truly challenging situations including my sister commuting suicide when I was in my late twenties and she was barely in her twenties.  The devastation I felt could not easily be put into words yet since then there have been other what I so nicely refer to as life tests.  Although I like to think I passed every one of them I dare not brag or try to entertain you with the details of the other things God has had me overcome.   Today after all has been said and done I knew with certainty that miracles happen an...

For many music is something that is a matter of preference, sometimes making the kind of music they play fit the mood they are in.  For some they cannot hear the music at all and hence there is really no reason to play music.  For the man who is deaf and the winner of Dancing with the Stars not being able to hear the music did not impede him from enjoying dance and winning the mirror ball trophy.  His partner who is a seasoned choreographer freely admitted that at first she was very nervous and for good reason.  She would be the only one to teach a deaf person to dance to music he could not hear.  Yet early into the competition Niles demonstrated a winning attitude and a character that did not distinguish him from a hearing person.  He was as determined to win the competition as he was when he won America's Top Model with Tyra Banks.  It seems nothing stopped him, not even the fact that he could not hear a beat. If only we could be as accepting as Ni...

"When you trust faith supports you.  When you trust there is no doubting, or hoping or wondering.  Trust is in your mind and in your heart, which are the places we connect to God. " " doubt is the kryptonite to trust.  When you trust faith is a natural outcome.  In fact, I believe when you really trust yourself to trust God, you don't need faith" From the book: "Trust' by Iyanla Vanzant  There is something to be said about Ms. Vanzant's words about trust.  Often times we are asked to have faith but rarely are we asked to trust in God, in others or in ourselves.  We go to church where they say things like: "have faith as in a grain of mustard seed", in other words just a tiny bit of faith is all we need when in fact what we must do is simply to trust in the universe, in God and in ourselves.  If I were to do it all over again I would say to my daughters: "trust in your instincts, in human kind and in God.  Trust that you have the...

I don't know about anyone else but I was not raised on the idea that loving yourself had some kind of profound importance.  In fact, the message was just the contrary, loving yourself was seen as conceited, arrogant and selfish.  Like many a child of my era I was told that loving others was much more important than selfishly keeping love for myself or having loving feelings for myself.  As one might guess this would at times be the false belief that led me to seek people to love that were needy and at times so dysfunctional that I literally peeled them off the bathroom floor drunk and in the kind of state that only a major alcoholic could be in.  Many of us who get the memo about not loving ourselves end up becoming good little enablers and great co-dependent partners. Loving you means that you care about yourself in such a manner as for it to be very normal.  Everyone must have a capacity for loving themselves if they are to live a life that is not just hap...

I knew very little of Mother Theresa but recently learned more about her.  This was a woman who was a nun in India who heard a calling to work with the very poorest in the field.  This meant she would have to leave the order and at first she was told she would not be able to do this because no one has ever left an order to go outside into society at large.  She was granted that request and as a result worked with the people of India giving of   her talents as a volunteer.  In spite of the fact that some of the natives of India were suspicious and non-accepting  of her she continued to serve with a humble heart.  Most of us could only dream of doing what she did never mind have the courage to do it.  Eventually Mother Theresa applied to start and congregation of nuns that would follow her path and even before she did this there were young women who wanted to follow her path.  Sister Theresa dedicated her entire life to serving those most ...

It is likely that many a girl recited "he loves me, he loves me not" while plucking the pedals off of a daisy they found somewhere in a field, at least according to the movie.  I contend that instead of a little girl reciting "he loves me, he loves me not" she should be saying: "I love me, I love me not".  This could grow into a lesson about self love and how that is what really matters.  Instead we teach our girls that the opinion of some man she has not met yet and whether he alone loves her is all that matters.  Sadly there are both girls and boys that have it all wrong when they worry more about what someone else thinks and whether they love them rather than to love themselves enough so that some other person's perception of love will not matter.  So, repeat after me: "I love me, I love me not, I love me more because I know my value". Our value does not and should never ever be contingent on what another person thinks of us or whether t...

Happiness is not a secret although there are places where it is a known fact that the people are happier living there, usually places that are safe and where nature is abundant.  I for one love living in Pingree Grove about an hour outside the city of Chicago.  For me the main reason for moving out of the city was initially for someone else but now I am here and love the natural elements, privacy, Almost every aspect of living where I live brings me the kind of happiness that I did not experience in the city.  Although I was happy there I am much more joyful now.  I realize that there are elements that lead to a happier life.  After giving this idea of happiness and how it happens here is what I think: We are happiest when: We work in a job we love: for most of us work is not a happy time in our lives.  We go to work to make a living and we often tolerate the worse of situations.  We are made to believe early on that no one loves their job and tha...

I have been told by a couple of friends that I say too much on my blog.  I love them and will continue to love them but I will still share as much as I think would serve others.  I cannot expect people who read my blog to be honest with themselves if I am not honest with them.  Depression is a serious subject and I will not pretend to be an expert, however I have fought depression all of my life as far back as I can recall.  As a child of five or six years of age I would isolate myself in a room and at times break my own toys out of anger because I felt as though there was not a better outlet and that breaking a toy symbolized something to me that gave me some small relief in the moment.  I would imagine that it would be like my friend who breaks dishes when she gets upset with her partner.  Although that was not my mode of operating I can certainly understand why she did this.  After I grew up I learned a number of other ways to address my anger or st...

" A man was walking along a narrow path, not paying attention to where he was going.  Suddenly, he slipped over the edge of the cliff.  As he was falling, he grabbed a branch that was growing from the side of the cliff and hung on for dear life.  After several moments, he realized he could'nt hang on for much longer so he cried out for help," Man: Is anybody up there?  Voice: Yes, I'm here!  Man: Who's that?  Voice: It's God. Man: God, help me!  Voice: Do you trust me?  Man: I trust you completely.  Voice: Good. Let go of the branch.  Man: What?  Voice: I said, let go of the branch!  Man: (After a long pause) Is anybody else up there?  From: Trust by Iynala Vanzant  There will be times in our life when we call out for assistance and a voice speaks to us but at that moment we do not trust.  We don't trust God and we don't trust ourselves.  We ask for what we need and because we...

Carl was in a ten year relationship with a male.  Although there were red flags from the start, Carl ignored them.  Not only did he bypass what he knew to be true about Steve, he thought he would change him in the long run.  Carl is a Black man and Steve is white.  One of the things that Carl noted immediately was that Steve and his family joked often about other cultures including African Americans even going so far as to make light of the holocaust and Jewish people.  Carl ignored all of it believing that Steve was not on board but over time he realized that Steve would never confront his family when they made fun of the people of India or made a joke about Carl's "colorful clothing".  Carl endured a few years in the relationship because eventually he believed that the good outweighed the bad which was a complete lie he told himself.  After many years of tolerating the abuse and Steve calling him overly sensitive Carl finally got the courage to set b...

"It is said that those who overcome a major illness deeply savor the taste of life." (Excerpt from "The Wisdom for Creating Happiness and Peace) In my own life what I know for sure is that I know light because I have overcome the darkness.  I know love because I have known the perils of hate.  I know healthy living because like many of us I have known severe and serious illness, the kind that will bring one to their knees.  The reason that I am sharing this with everyone is not because I am some sort of hero nor that I have any courage to speak of, but because by the grace of God I am alive. As a child I almost drowned in Lake Erie one Sunday afternoon at the ripe age of five.  Unlike children who had the resources to be gifted with swimming lessons I did not know how to swim but more importantly I did not know that there can be holes inside the water that one can suddenly drop inside of.  This was exactly what happened.  I ventured towards the rocky pi...

I love people who buy a million dollar home and then never take the time to decorate it.  NOT.  I especially become concerned when there are children in the home and it still looks like a very expensive house purchased by people who would rather be socialites with their peers than to make a home that is comfortable and beautiful for their children and as an example to them growing up.  A beautiful home of a couple comes to mind at this very moment.  Both seem to be lovely people yet the wife looks to me to have a sadness I could feel in my heart.  Every Spring they have an outdoor event and frankly the outside of their home is delicious and absolutely impeccable.  What others see on the outside is what seems to be important.  The home is painted a beautiful pale yellow and the trim is white.  The door is a beautiful shade of blue and in back of the home is a little casa with beautiful flowers surrounding it and every other section of the outside o...

Many years ago, I am too old to say, there was a great song that had the lyrics, "free yourself and the rest will follow".  This was during the time when I was a college student and most songs were about being free to be free, feeling free, free sex and free weed for everyone.  I was never much a fan for liquor or weed although I must say that I tried MD 20/20 and failed.  This was at the time a cheap wine that apparently had a larger liquor content and was cheap.  For me the part of your soul and the rest of me will follow involved a really pretty Black girl and an instant popularity I'd not experienced in the past.  The fact that I had an African American lady was apparently something novel at a time when we were all much more concerned about interracial marriages and relationships outside our religious circle.  To this day the thought of Regina brings a smile to my face and I can only wish to set my eyes on her one more time so that I can tell her how mu...

Granddaughters are a very brand of lovely.  They are the ones you get to correct all your mistakes with and get on the floor and play Lego's with.  My little one insists on asking me every hour on the hour: "will you play with me?" I usually respond with a yes and my favorite thing to do with her is simply to be as silly and child like as I can get away with without being committed.  I will give her dolls a sarcastic and caddy personality as a way to make her laugh and the thing is that she really thinks I am funny.  As an onlooker her mom, my daughter, thinks me to be a bit coo coo.  I don't mind as long as my granddaughter thinks I am cool.  That is the best thing ever is to be seen as a rock star to a child who loves you and who you love.  The excitement of being with her puts a tear in my eyes for it is likely the most joyful of events for me. It is not a mistake that I was gifted with two daughters and then two granddaughters.  Goddess doe...

"Heartbreak asks us not to look for an alternative path, because there is no alternative path.  If heartbreak is inevitable and inescapable, it might be asking us to look for it and make friends with it..." I will not soon forget the first book written for women that I read more than thirty years ago.  It was called "Women Who Love Too Much".  At the time I worked in a high end men's clothing store and lived in Lake Shore Drive on the 35th floor.  I should have known that the reason I was reading this book was because something about loving too much resonated for me and I'd just gotten a divorce from a long term marriage.  While on my ride on the bus to work this book became the reason that women could not resist starting a conversation with me and at the very least making a positive comment about the book I was reading.  The truth is that I don't recall most of the book but I am sure that it had to do with how women love men who don't love them ba...

" And now my dear brothers and sisters, one final thing.  Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable.  Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.  Keep putting into practice all the you learned and received from me-everything you have heard from me and saw me doing.  Then the God of peace will be with you." These words come directly from the bible and as suprising as it might feel to some of us, it resonates in this moment as if it was written today.  In this short bible quote we understand that peace is about our thoughts and that our thoughts will bring us an inner peace or an inner war.  We get to choose by deciding to emphasize what is honorable and what is lovely.  We do so by taking the wisdom of God and goddess and bringing it to our daily lives. Everything we think and do influences our state of being and our healthy state of mind.  Every person we interact with in ...

We hear it all the time and have been hearing it since kindergarten, yet we continue to do the same thing.  We know that if we simply breath and take a few minutes to think that the outcome will inevitably be much better for us and that in the end it will be in our own best interest.  Still we men who have a bad temper tend to jump up and begin to defend ourselves or bully a woman when she shares her disappointment in us.  We take it personally and we react immediately.  We don't take the time to breathe and wait, even if it means that the outcome will be to our own advantage. I will not soon forget this story that I about to share about a former client.  His wife who was a flight attendant travels often.  After some years as a couple Steve felt lonely and would not share this with his wife because he felt lonely and abandoned.  When he finally shared this with her it came out of him loudly and in a way that could easily be defined as bullying. ...

Divorce is bad enough without giving up a ton of money to lawyers who will get you the exact same outcome as if you just are reasonable and know a little about the law.  In Illinois we are in a 50/50 state and if you get divorced they look at both your assets and divide them evenly.  If one person has more assets then that person pays the other the difference and it is possible a settlement for alimony or child support if the person asking qualifies.  The reality is that divorce can be very ugly for you and a very happy time for lawyers who are making money off of you, unless you are not worth a lot of money or you simply know what you want and become empowered more so than your hot shot attorney. I was divorced and frankly it was simple .  In fact my divorce was so clean that we paid a 400.00 fee and instructed the attorney on what we wanted him to do for us.  We kept our head on and we decided that instead of spending a ton on legal fees that we could be ci...

When we are children we depend on our parents and we trust that they will take care of us.  However, when they don't take care of us we develop a sense of distrust that we play out in our life when we expect that others will not be there for us and don't trust them we relive a feeling of disappointment and it confirms the negative view you have of others.  We learn to distrust everything and everyone including ourselves and when we face issues we don't trust that we can handle them or that we are smart or good enough to get through it.  In fact, we our negative view makes it hard for us to get to the light or a place of love.  Trust in our own ability to make the right choices is very important.  But how do we find that self-trust that we need when others have disappointed us?   Getting our trust in our self back is a matter of being intentional and simply deciding that this is what we will do from this point on.  It is a combination of faith and th...

As a father of two girls who are now adults I am the first to say that daughters are a special blessing.  I would not have thought so but having two daughters placed me in a position of being loved even when I was not the greatest father.  Still I would receive cards that said: "greatest dad". There is a special and magical connection between daughters and dads and when that bond is not there girls feel a deep sense of loss and will look for that father figure throughout their lives.  For some daughters looking for the approval and love of a man turns into a hit or miss experience with men who take advantage of them and who seem to sense their desperation. Not having an active dad in the life of a girl growing up has it's adverse effects one of which is an attraction to men who are emotionally unavailable and who don't produce the love and affection that the woman, any woman is looking for.  In fact, at times there is a long list of men who have no intention of b...

I have lived to be a grandfather and now it seems I may live to see a third grandchild some time soon.  I know what it feels like to be a husband and to be a father but nothing seems to be quite as special as being that guy that cannot do anything bad.  I get to be a rock star to four girls, two daughters and two granddaughters and yet there is something much more magical and that is being a mother.  I have always contended that no one can replace a mom, not even a dad and now that we lost my daughter's mother and my friend I know for sure for this to be the truth.  Not that this is a bad thing but that this is just the way it is.  For this reason a father does not carry a baby but rather the mother carrys her or him.  I won't soon forget that whatever mistakes my mother made I could now be in a place of complete forgiveness.  There is not longer a need to judge the woman who carried me for nine moths and as she so acutely put it: "I almost exploded yo...