Zen For Men: Divorce
Divorce is bad enough without giving up a ton of money to lawyers who will get you the exact same outcome as if you just are reasonable and know a little about the law. In Illinois we are in a 50/50 state and if you get divorced they look at both your assets and divide them evenly. If one person has more assets then that person pays the other the difference and it is possible a settlement for alimony or child support if the person asking qualifies. The reality is that divorce can be very ugly for you and a very happy time for lawyers who are making money off of you, unless you are not worth a lot of money or you simply know what you want and become empowered more so than your hot shot attorney.
I was divorced and frankly it was simple. In fact my divorce was so clean that we paid a 400.00 fee and instructed the attorney on what we wanted him to do for us. We kept our head on and we decided that instead of spending a ton on legal fees that we could be civil and logical about it. Unfortunately that is not usually the case. In most cases we make divorce a crazy roller coaster where we emotionally try to mess the other person because we are angry and want to get back at him or her. This usually blows up in our face and what we end up with is a ton of legal fees and the same outcome that would have happened had we negotiated and kept our head on.
Here is an interesting story. Tom asked his wife for a divorce. She was shocked and asked him why. His response was simply that he felt they were married to quickly and that he felt as though he's lost interest and that they were on different paths. All this was true but there was one little matter he did not mention to her, he was gay. Tom had decided that he would not continue to suppress his attraction to men and that he needed to be divorced rather than to cause his wife more pain and himself more anguish. Once divorced Tom asked to speak to his former wife and shared that he was in fact gay. His wife was angry and although she did not hold it against him in any severe way she would not communicate much with him unless she had to for the sake of the kids. After tome time his wife Mary began to accept the reality as Tom was very apologetic with her and had even given up his rights to the home they owned jointly. Over time both Tom and Mary came to the conclusion that the reason they were able to get through it was because Tom was willing to admit he was wrong and that he fought to be a father. The fact that there was one person willing to make it right and take responsibility for his part in it made the divorce and subsequent interactions much easier. Today Tom and Mary are good friends and can be seen at one another's family gatherings with their children, even when one or both were in a relationship with someone else who was also present.
The fact that there are people willing to sort things out is not a good thing for attorneys who are standing by to make as much as they can from people getting divorced and are emotionally out of balance. We must be willing as men to breathe deeply and know that the less intimidated we are and the more cooperative we are will result in a much easier ending to a marriage. It can even be less costly. We have to be willing to be apologetic for the information we withheld and for the things we did or did not do in our relationship. We must focus on what is important like the children. We must know that it takes time for people to calm down and not jump into the process right away. Waiting for a few months is a good way to sort things out and to become more calm about divorce. Taking the time to be in a place of sacred silence and turn over the pain. Then we can get a divorce without losing our arms and our legs.
A woman I know divorced her husband after 30 years of marriage. They are currently freinds but during the divorce they both turned into people that their family did not recognize. There was mud slinging and awful things said and done. Lawyers were hired and fired, high end ones I might add. In the end everything was measured half and half and one person in the relationship had to give up half of a settlement he had received during the time he was married. It was considered martial assets. As much as he tried to avoid giving up half of the thousands of dollars he could not avoid it in a state where there is a 50/50 law. I say that had they allowed some time to pass and became more level headed they would have had a much better outcome, maybe even one where he kept his settlement money he had saved for so long. Today they are friendly and it seems they have decided they care deeply about one another. This after thousands of dollars in legal fees. Had they decided to be level headed they would have saved a ton of money and remained friends from the beginning. Lesson learned. Remembering that the law is the law will save everyone a lot of un-neccessary pain.
Divorce hurts and especially the person who is left feels shame even if it does not make sense. We must be willing to be a friend to the other person through the process or at the very least make that attempt to align yourselves and make some deicisions before you hire a lawyer. In this way divorce can be a bit easier and less like "War of the Roses". The reality is that whatever the law is will dictate the outcome, not an attorney and not you or him or her. The reality is that the law governing divorce is usually the same even if you decided to represent yourself.
I was divorced and frankly it was simple. In fact my divorce was so clean that we paid a 400.00 fee and instructed the attorney on what we wanted him to do for us. We kept our head on and we decided that instead of spending a ton on legal fees that we could be civil and logical about it. Unfortunately that is not usually the case. In most cases we make divorce a crazy roller coaster where we emotionally try to mess the other person because we are angry and want to get back at him or her. This usually blows up in our face and what we end up with is a ton of legal fees and the same outcome that would have happened had we negotiated and kept our head on.
Here is an interesting story. Tom asked his wife for a divorce. She was shocked and asked him why. His response was simply that he felt they were married to quickly and that he felt as though he's lost interest and that they were on different paths. All this was true but there was one little matter he did not mention to her, he was gay. Tom had decided that he would not continue to suppress his attraction to men and that he needed to be divorced rather than to cause his wife more pain and himself more anguish. Once divorced Tom asked to speak to his former wife and shared that he was in fact gay. His wife was angry and although she did not hold it against him in any severe way she would not communicate much with him unless she had to for the sake of the kids. After tome time his wife Mary began to accept the reality as Tom was very apologetic with her and had even given up his rights to the home they owned jointly. Over time both Tom and Mary came to the conclusion that the reason they were able to get through it was because Tom was willing to admit he was wrong and that he fought to be a father. The fact that there was one person willing to make it right and take responsibility for his part in it made the divorce and subsequent interactions much easier. Today Tom and Mary are good friends and can be seen at one another's family gatherings with their children, even when one or both were in a relationship with someone else who was also present.
The fact that there are people willing to sort things out is not a good thing for attorneys who are standing by to make as much as they can from people getting divorced and are emotionally out of balance. We must be willing as men to breathe deeply and know that the less intimidated we are and the more cooperative we are will result in a much easier ending to a marriage. It can even be less costly. We have to be willing to be apologetic for the information we withheld and for the things we did or did not do in our relationship. We must focus on what is important like the children. We must know that it takes time for people to calm down and not jump into the process right away. Waiting for a few months is a good way to sort things out and to become more calm about divorce. Taking the time to be in a place of sacred silence and turn over the pain. Then we can get a divorce without losing our arms and our legs.
A woman I know divorced her husband after 30 years of marriage. They are currently freinds but during the divorce they both turned into people that their family did not recognize. There was mud slinging and awful things said and done. Lawyers were hired and fired, high end ones I might add. In the end everything was measured half and half and one person in the relationship had to give up half of a settlement he had received during the time he was married. It was considered martial assets. As much as he tried to avoid giving up half of the thousands of dollars he could not avoid it in a state where there is a 50/50 law. I say that had they allowed some time to pass and became more level headed they would have had a much better outcome, maybe even one where he kept his settlement money he had saved for so long. Today they are friendly and it seems they have decided they care deeply about one another. This after thousands of dollars in legal fees. Had they decided to be level headed they would have saved a ton of money and remained friends from the beginning. Lesson learned. Remembering that the law is the law will save everyone a lot of un-neccessary pain.
Divorce hurts and especially the person who is left feels shame even if it does not make sense. We must be willing to be a friend to the other person through the process or at the very least make that attempt to align yourselves and make some deicisions before you hire a lawyer. In this way divorce can be a bit easier and less like "War of the Roses". The reality is that whatever the law is will dictate the outcome, not an attorney and not you or him or her. The reality is that the law governing divorce is usually the same even if you decided to represent yourself.
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