Zen For Men: Breathe, Wait
We hear it all the time and have been hearing it since kindergarten, yet we continue to do the same thing. We know that if we simply breath and take a few minutes to think that the outcome will inevitably be much better for us and that in the end it will be in our own best interest. Still we men who have a bad temper tend to jump up and begin to defend ourselves or bully a woman when she shares her disappointment in us. We take it personally and we react immediately. We don't take the time to breathe and wait, even if it means that the outcome will be to our own advantage.
I will not soon forget this story that I about to share about a former client. His wife who was a flight attendant travels often. After some years as a couple Steve felt lonely and would not share this with his wife because he felt lonely and abandoned. When he finally shared this with her it came out of him loudly and in a way that could easily be defined as bullying. Although he had a point his wife immediately reacted with a reprimanding tone and accused him of being immature, rude and behaving like a child. Not only was his concern and feelings not heard Steve and his wife continued to have the same issue until they came to see me. During the "breakthrough session" and after a few coaching sessions I was finally able to convince Steve that he take a time to breathe before he shared his feelings of anger or disappointment. Once he was able to do this and not go into bullying mode, he was heard by his wife and she was able to accommodate his needs and the relationship needs better.
Men, lets' review this simple process. When you are feeling upset and frustrated or even angry, take the time to breathe. Get up and out of the situation for a few minutes or as long as you need to. Excuse yourself and be honest about having feelings of anger. Don't wait for months at a time to bring up your feelings to your spouse. Let her know how you feel as you go along and on a daily basis and ask for what you need. Make I statements: I feel lonely when you are at work so much and I need time with you." Ask for what you need: "I was wondering if we could schedule our work to accommodate us being together more" and "I miss you". What you will get back will be a lovely surprise because your wife will respond much more favorably with what my grandmother called "sugar". Here is what I think: "You get more with sugar".
Men have to admit that we often times are a bit temperamental and that we wait for long periods of time to say what is on our mind. We think that women read our minds when they don't. We think that if we pout and do passive agressive things that she will ask us what is wrong. We think that things will change someday but do nothing to change them. We must seek out the help we need for our own feelings of shame or blame. We must be willing to take the time to lovingly have a conversation with our beloved. By taking ourselves out of the situation and giving ourselves some time we honor ourselves and her.
Zen for Men: Coach Elliott
I will not soon forget this story that I about to share about a former client. His wife who was a flight attendant travels often. After some years as a couple Steve felt lonely and would not share this with his wife because he felt lonely and abandoned. When he finally shared this with her it came out of him loudly and in a way that could easily be defined as bullying. Although he had a point his wife immediately reacted with a reprimanding tone and accused him of being immature, rude and behaving like a child. Not only was his concern and feelings not heard Steve and his wife continued to have the same issue until they came to see me. During the "breakthrough session" and after a few coaching sessions I was finally able to convince Steve that he take a time to breathe before he shared his feelings of anger or disappointment. Once he was able to do this and not go into bullying mode, he was heard by his wife and she was able to accommodate his needs and the relationship needs better.
Men, lets' review this simple process. When you are feeling upset and frustrated or even angry, take the time to breathe. Get up and out of the situation for a few minutes or as long as you need to. Excuse yourself and be honest about having feelings of anger. Don't wait for months at a time to bring up your feelings to your spouse. Let her know how you feel as you go along and on a daily basis and ask for what you need. Make I statements: I feel lonely when you are at work so much and I need time with you." Ask for what you need: "I was wondering if we could schedule our work to accommodate us being together more" and "I miss you". What you will get back will be a lovely surprise because your wife will respond much more favorably with what my grandmother called "sugar". Here is what I think: "You get more with sugar".
Men have to admit that we often times are a bit temperamental and that we wait for long periods of time to say what is on our mind. We think that women read our minds when they don't. We think that if we pout and do passive agressive things that she will ask us what is wrong. We think that things will change someday but do nothing to change them. We must seek out the help we need for our own feelings of shame or blame. We must be willing to take the time to lovingly have a conversation with our beloved. By taking ourselves out of the situation and giving ourselves some time we honor ourselves and her.
Zen for Men: Coach Elliott
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