Men, Dogs: And New Tricks
Rarely if any person changes because we wish for them to change. It is probably true that we cannot teach dogs new tricks, yet we seem to be bent on doing just that, especially women who try so hard to change a man. The fact is that it is rarely if ever possible to change someone's mode of being that is ingrained in them over a very long period of a life time. People are who they are and by the time they are a ripe adult age they have developed habits and behaviors that will last their entire life.
Men unlike women do not normally seek ways to transform and in fact find it "sissy" to be in counseling or to join any type of support group. Men like to think that they can change themselves and change the world with brut force. In our society we have a tendency to raise men differently from women giving them concessions so that they can express their maleness. Although it is true that boys are different from girls we tend to take the differences a bit to seriously. The message that men get is that their aggressive or bad behaviors are just a part of being male, when in fact it is just bad behavior that will get worse if not corrected. Women who play the role of parent to men find out that no matter what they do or say, it is not possible to parent a man back to a self-loving state.
I was raised by strong women who believed that men should know how to do everything on their own including ironing, cleaning house and cooking. I was even taught the difference between taffeta and silk fabrics as my grandmother was a seamstress. As a result I learned to do things that normally were assigned to girls much to the dismay of some of our mother neighbors who did everything for their boys. In fact it seemed a common theme to assume that men who were taught domestic skills would become effeminate or gay. In Latino culture my knowing the difference between washing whites and colors was a bit on the strange and questioning side. Of course today I am grateful that I have domestic skills and that I don't just live in a house but that I maintain a beautiful home. Like me I like to think there are other men who feel equal to women and who are not afraid to admit that they are sensitive. Men don't know this but women find men like me sexy.
Camishe met a man who was 42 at the time she met him, who actually still lived with his mom. Although this should have been her "red flag" alert to walk in the other direction she did not. For years she was what some crudely refer to as his "buttie call". The relationship would never go anywhere and according to Camishe she knew that because he told her so. Yet logically she could have deduced that he was not the chosen one given the fact that he was still living off of his mom and taking her out to fancy dinners. Eventually Camishe became pregnant and as men sometimes do, her male encounter let her know he would have nothing to do with the baby. Camishe was hurt by his dismissal of the child compounded by his overall dismissal of her. What came to my mind was that this man told her who he was and she ignored it. Like many other women Camishe realized that men can be dogs and that you cannot teach them any new tricks, even if you are going to have his baby.
Men are not dogs, although to hear the stories told by some women some get pretty close. What women need to know about men is their ability to function well before getting involved with them. Asking herself questions like:
Is this man self-sufficient?
Is this man a man of his word and does he keep his word?
Is this man demonstrating a loving and compassionate nature towards me? Here and now!
Would I want to live with and spend a long term relationship with him?
Would this man be a kind, nurturing, friend, partner and loving father?
What kind of relationship does this man have with his family of origin, especially his mom and dad?
How is his energy, his spirit and his aura when I am around him?
Is their substance in this connection or just a physical encounter? For him.
As a woman you must ask yourself whether this is a man that is worth interacting with, never mind marrying or living with him. If his behaviors are negative or questionable remember that it is highly unlikely that you will change him. If from the start there are some concerns or red flags why get more involve with him? The reality is that Men cannot and usually don't learn new tricks no matter how well intentioned you are as a woman. The more time you spend with a man who is not that into you and not the one for you, the more he will be given the permission to continue to string you along. A six-twelve month window of encounters and experiences with a man will tell you whether this guy is for you or not. Pay attention to the subtle and not so subtle clues. Has he imparted a romantic experience with you? If not, know that there will be little romance down the road. Be realistic about who he is and instead of labeling him a dog: lovingly, kindly and quickly walk away. You may consider running.
Men unlike women do not normally seek ways to transform and in fact find it "sissy" to be in counseling or to join any type of support group. Men like to think that they can change themselves and change the world with brut force. In our society we have a tendency to raise men differently from women giving them concessions so that they can express their maleness. Although it is true that boys are different from girls we tend to take the differences a bit to seriously. The message that men get is that their aggressive or bad behaviors are just a part of being male, when in fact it is just bad behavior that will get worse if not corrected. Women who play the role of parent to men find out that no matter what they do or say, it is not possible to parent a man back to a self-loving state.
I was raised by strong women who believed that men should know how to do everything on their own including ironing, cleaning house and cooking. I was even taught the difference between taffeta and silk fabrics as my grandmother was a seamstress. As a result I learned to do things that normally were assigned to girls much to the dismay of some of our mother neighbors who did everything for their boys. In fact it seemed a common theme to assume that men who were taught domestic skills would become effeminate or gay. In Latino culture my knowing the difference between washing whites and colors was a bit on the strange and questioning side. Of course today I am grateful that I have domestic skills and that I don't just live in a house but that I maintain a beautiful home. Like me I like to think there are other men who feel equal to women and who are not afraid to admit that they are sensitive. Men don't know this but women find men like me sexy.
Camishe met a man who was 42 at the time she met him, who actually still lived with his mom. Although this should have been her "red flag" alert to walk in the other direction she did not. For years she was what some crudely refer to as his "buttie call". The relationship would never go anywhere and according to Camishe she knew that because he told her so. Yet logically she could have deduced that he was not the chosen one given the fact that he was still living off of his mom and taking her out to fancy dinners. Eventually Camishe became pregnant and as men sometimes do, her male encounter let her know he would have nothing to do with the baby. Camishe was hurt by his dismissal of the child compounded by his overall dismissal of her. What came to my mind was that this man told her who he was and she ignored it. Like many other women Camishe realized that men can be dogs and that you cannot teach them any new tricks, even if you are going to have his baby.
Men are not dogs, although to hear the stories told by some women some get pretty close. What women need to know about men is their ability to function well before getting involved with them. Asking herself questions like:
Is this man self-sufficient?
Is this man a man of his word and does he keep his word?
Is this man demonstrating a loving and compassionate nature towards me? Here and now!
Would I want to live with and spend a long term relationship with him?
Would this man be a kind, nurturing, friend, partner and loving father?
What kind of relationship does this man have with his family of origin, especially his mom and dad?
How is his energy, his spirit and his aura when I am around him?
Is their substance in this connection or just a physical encounter? For him.
As a woman you must ask yourself whether this is a man that is worth interacting with, never mind marrying or living with him. If his behaviors are negative or questionable remember that it is highly unlikely that you will change him. If from the start there are some concerns or red flags why get more involve with him? The reality is that Men cannot and usually don't learn new tricks no matter how well intentioned you are as a woman. The more time you spend with a man who is not that into you and not the one for you, the more he will be given the permission to continue to string you along. A six-twelve month window of encounters and experiences with a man will tell you whether this guy is for you or not. Pay attention to the subtle and not so subtle clues. Has he imparted a romantic experience with you? If not, know that there will be little romance down the road. Be realistic about who he is and instead of labeling him a dog: lovingly, kindly and quickly walk away. You may consider running.
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