How to Address Difficult Children
In my thirty year career as a teacher, school administrator and program manager I have collaborated and addressed many cases involving the challenges with conduct many of our children experience and the ways we have addressed them as teachers, school disciplinarians and parents. Thirty years of experience with children has afforded me some strategies that work to change the behaviors they are challenged with and behaviors that are inappropriate. Often times these behaviors can lead to serious consequences, especially if we don't address them in ways that are effective, compassionate and honest. The feeling is that if we don't catch serious behaviors that the older the child gets the more serious the consequences will ensue. If we don't want our children to end up in jail we must be mindful of their behaviors and address them early on.
Some of the ways that we can address children's behaviors effectively by:
1. Connecting specific rules and consequences that the child understands prior to an infraction. Explaining to children what is expected of them and what is not expected and why is important. It is a setting forth of rules that must be followed and the reasons why. It does not suffice to tell children the rules and not explain the reasoning or the consequences. Although difficult the rules should be discussed and agreed upon. The child's input is important in establishing rules that they would be more likely to abide by. Clear messages about what is acceptable and what is not is the most important part of establishing rules with children. The rules for children who are teens are usually different from the ones for younger children in that they involve more elaborate parts and more specific items that do not apply to younger children like driving rules, sexual activity and curfews. With little ones the rules are more simple in nature but in either case rules must be established early on whether by a parent, a teacher, a coach or other authority.
2. Taking Away:
One of the most useful consequences that tend to change behaviors is taking something away, whether a privilege or an item like a cell phone, TV time or play station. Taking something away sends the message to a child that they earn things and that when they do things that are unkind or break the rules that privilege of having something will be taken away. It is much like when someone ends up on big trouble and in jail. There you don't get the luxuries that you might be accustomed to having because you no longer deserve them. It is important to let children know that we earn the good things in life and that when we don't appreciate them or we do things that are against the law we lose those nice things. Taking away social occasions is another way to send the message that poor behavior results in loss of privileges like going to a party or a sleepover or having friends over. This mode of addressing difficult children with difficult behavior is as old as time but it works.
3. Communication:
Children should be given a chance to explain their behavior and parents to talk about what happened and why it is no acceptable. In these communications it should become a chance for the child to express their remorse and feelings about what they did.
4. Family Meetings:
Family meetings are very effective in changing behaviors. This way of addressing conduct involves others in the family such as siblings and both parents. Each person expresses their concern and how the behavior effects each person and how they feel about it, including their honest concerns for that person. Family meetings can also take place in a classroom where other students express their concerns around the poor behavior and how it impacts them. Family meetings like all other strategies should be addressed with compassion and kindness. Blaming and shaming a child for their behaviors is unnecessary and unkind. Fighting bad behavior with more bad behavior by insulting a child is highly ineffective.
5. Love and Attention:
Children require a lot of love and attention. Parents and other authority figures must begin their jobs by showing children in their care that they love and respect them. Withholding love when a child makes a mistake is a mistake bigger than the one they made. It is for me a larger infraction to create conditions for loving and caring for children is a terrible infraction on the part of adults in charge of children. Children are going to react poorly if they feel they are not loved or respected. The second part is the attention we give our children. Attention means that we show them they are important by being attentive ad asking them questions and listening to what they have to say.
Difficult children are really children that are experiencing challenges. By addressing the challenges we address the behaviors that manifests from the challenges.
Some of the ways that we can address children's behaviors effectively by:
1. Connecting specific rules and consequences that the child understands prior to an infraction. Explaining to children what is expected of them and what is not expected and why is important. It is a setting forth of rules that must be followed and the reasons why. It does not suffice to tell children the rules and not explain the reasoning or the consequences. Although difficult the rules should be discussed and agreed upon. The child's input is important in establishing rules that they would be more likely to abide by. Clear messages about what is acceptable and what is not is the most important part of establishing rules with children. The rules for children who are teens are usually different from the ones for younger children in that they involve more elaborate parts and more specific items that do not apply to younger children like driving rules, sexual activity and curfews. With little ones the rules are more simple in nature but in either case rules must be established early on whether by a parent, a teacher, a coach or other authority.
2. Taking Away:
One of the most useful consequences that tend to change behaviors is taking something away, whether a privilege or an item like a cell phone, TV time or play station. Taking something away sends the message to a child that they earn things and that when they do things that are unkind or break the rules that privilege of having something will be taken away. It is much like when someone ends up on big trouble and in jail. There you don't get the luxuries that you might be accustomed to having because you no longer deserve them. It is important to let children know that we earn the good things in life and that when we don't appreciate them or we do things that are against the law we lose those nice things. Taking away social occasions is another way to send the message that poor behavior results in loss of privileges like going to a party or a sleepover or having friends over. This mode of addressing difficult children with difficult behavior is as old as time but it works.
3. Communication:
Children should be given a chance to explain their behavior and parents to talk about what happened and why it is no acceptable. In these communications it should become a chance for the child to express their remorse and feelings about what they did.
4. Family Meetings:
Family meetings are very effective in changing behaviors. This way of addressing conduct involves others in the family such as siblings and both parents. Each person expresses their concern and how the behavior effects each person and how they feel about it, including their honest concerns for that person. Family meetings can also take place in a classroom where other students express their concerns around the poor behavior and how it impacts them. Family meetings like all other strategies should be addressed with compassion and kindness. Blaming and shaming a child for their behaviors is unnecessary and unkind. Fighting bad behavior with more bad behavior by insulting a child is highly ineffective.
5. Love and Attention:
Children require a lot of love and attention. Parents and other authority figures must begin their jobs by showing children in their care that they love and respect them. Withholding love when a child makes a mistake is a mistake bigger than the one they made. It is for me a larger infraction to create conditions for loving and caring for children is a terrible infraction on the part of adults in charge of children. Children are going to react poorly if they feel they are not loved or respected. The second part is the attention we give our children. Attention means that we show them they are important by being attentive ad asking them questions and listening to what they have to say.
Difficult children are really children that are experiencing challenges. By addressing the challenges we address the behaviors that manifests from the challenges.
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