What Makes Me a Conqueror

Each of us has conquered a particular among of things in life that have been difficult or challenging for us whether an end to a life we love or an end of a relationship.  I for one have had my share of things conquered among them cancer and an end of a relationship that needed to end a long time ago. Even so there is for us a grieving that has to happen even when we conquer a situation that makes us fall down and requires that we get up again, "with a little help from my friends".  Life is going to deal us some stuff that is going to be hard to not just digest but difficult to understand why.  As much as we might think ourselves null and void of such matters of the heart and soul, we are all vulnerable and we are all to fall one day.  The difference is whether we get up or we stay on the ground.  Bitterness, hate, anger, jealousy and even pain leaves little left to feel or do or so it seems.  Yet we seem to come out of that kind of darkness and still become whole again.  What makes me a conqueror is that I survived,  I got up, I brushed myself off and I invited good in.  All the good things that I was and all the good things that I am were always there in spite of the lost parts and in spite of the hurt and the horrible pain of radiation and the fear of chemo.  I conquered it and I am still in the throws of attempting to conquer more each day.  The hate, the darkness and the spitefulness of others surrounds me often yet most of the time I conquer it.  I put one foot in front of the other and I make it to the other side, one that is lighter and steadfast.  

That is what makes me a conqueror, a warrior and a hero to myself.  The fact that with all that has been given to me I have walked it off.  I have shaken it off.  I have let those hateful feelings and entities go on their ride all alone without me on board.  It has not and will not ever be easy but the alternative is so much worse.  I would rather feel the pain, feel the hurt, feel the burn and the bigoted behaviors than to run from them and stay scared.  God has given me a purpose now and this time it's so simple: stay alive Elliott, just stay alive.  If I live through this I am going to see a better day and a better year and a better ending to all of it.  I know that without thinking about it twice.  I am going to surrender my soul to the highest energy and I am going to dance in the end like I have never danced before.  I know that if I can get through this I can conquer anything and that nothing is impossible to me.  Nothing.  Not a thing.  

I wear my shirts out to cover my colostomy bag.  I have learned to accept that I am disabled but in a way that is no disadvantaged or ruined.  I am whole as I am with my physical limitations and my burned body parts.  I am whole and complete like I am with the swelling of my legs and the times when I have to just sit it out.  I am still whole whether one person or two thinks me not.  I am beautiful whether one or three  people don't agree with me.  I have conquered that lie that I am not of any good because I am not like I was before.  I can finally see my beauty and my wholeness and still am able to emote and grieve the parts that are dead because the parts that matter are still functioning. My self esteem is not contingent on what one person thinks of me.  My self esteem is not contingent on anything except myself and God.  It is no longer contingent on one person who never loved me and who did not think enough of me but to leave me behind.  I am whole without a relationship, without a prestigious job, without a six digit income, without Gucci loafers or a Mercedes.  Now that I have conquered the life circumstances I can breathe better.  Now that I have lost and conquered I can laugh.  Now that those who tried to harm me did not succeed in doing so I can start to live more fully.  I can do that now and so can anyone who has been through the fires of life.  Nothing can stop what God intends to flourish.  You, me, the sun, the moon and the stars.  

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