Go To Hell Please! Thank You....

I love people who have defined boundaries unless they direct them at me.   Like many men I am still working on setting my own perfect and usable boundaries.   When you don't learn this as a child it is really difficult to set limits as an adult.  We learn to be nice and to be polite, especially us Latinos, but what our parents fail at is teaching us to draw the line with people who we should simply look straight in the eyes and say something like: "Can you go to hell please?"  My daughter knows how to set boundaries and in fact she is so good at it that it pains me when she sets them with me.  I can honestly say that I have no idea how she learned this from me when I myself did not know how to pull my head out of my own ass and say NO when I needed to in very long term relationships in the past.  Now I must say that I dare people, especially men to cross me so that I can draw that line that I have failed to draw in the past.  Recently I was tested by a man who literally made me want to jump out of my skin and who I have seen out in social settings often.  Without saying a word I have let him know that he need not bother talking to me since in the past he has reacted so horribly to my being nice to him.  Like many people he just did not get nice and apparently it was so foreign to him that when I made the mistake of giving him my hand to shake he almost jumped out of his skin.  The look on his face said it all and with that I learned that being nice does not always result in good.  Sometimes you have to just say "Hell NO".

The sense that I get from human beings is that they are wither open to my gifts or they are not.  Forcing anyone to like you is like pulling out your own teeth knowing that you can select a professional to do that for you safely.  Nothing says NO better than people who mistreat you yet what we must learn is the art of forgiveness and then set some wonderful, magical and specific boundaries with everyone we know and everyone we come into contact with.  Last Saturday I noticed a young woman looking at me in a night club.  I decided to smile and continue to enjoy the evening believing that I had done enough to acknowledge her and move on.  Her intentions were a little different from mine and she was suddenly standing next to me asking me to dance.  I consented even though somewhere deep in my mind and heart I kind of thought it may be a mistake.  During the entire dance she tugged and pulled on me to the degree that I , a very seasoned salsa dancer was having trouble holding on to her and literally trying for her not to fall.  Apparently she'd had enough to drink and I was mince meat.  There was a part of me that found it a compliment yet I should have said NO the second time she asked me.  Believe me when I tell you that it was an experience I don't believe I want to have again.  It was for me that nagging lesson that I still am a work in progress and that saying No is not easy for me.  Yet I am getting better each time about setting those respectful boundaries and honoring myself by not doing something I know is not right for me.

People get into serious relationships and where they fail is in setting boundaries right away.  I am not new to this lovely mistake in life and have done this in the past.  I paid the consequences big time yet I would not change it for the world because of what that woman taught me.  She reminded me forever that I do not love myself if I don't set the line between what is good and not good for me. I am now better than good at it and in fact may need to reel it in a bit.  Now I literally can picture asking someone to fuck themselves, and then add "please".  Although for some this may seem scary I am poured to say that I tailor it and that so far I am doing well.  Leaning to set those lines up was the hardest thing I have ever done and I think that I had to get close to spiritual death to understand just how important it was for me and for everyone around me.  Now I can honestly say to people: "I love and appreciate you but NO thanks".  I can draw the line in the sand so that I get to keep my dignity and my spirit, something that is much more important than people liking me.

I know that there are many people out there who are struggling with boundaries and who in fact are getting used by others.  Some are even being abused because they did not say things like "you cannot treat me like that" and "No, that will not work for me".  We must learn to set the limits and let others know how to treat us specifically.  We must stand up for what is valuable to us and make sure that others know that our spirit is not to be messed with.  In fact it may be time for some of us to say a final NO and then make that stage left exit.  Whether it is a family member or a friend or a co-worker we have to make our boundaries clear, very very clear.  By doing this we invite others to enjoy our company as long as they respect us and the news will get around.  Where in your life do you need to set those limits.  Fear not, for it is never too late to honor yourself and lovingly demand that others do the same. All the time.