Coach Elliott

This evening I have become almost obsessed with Luis Miguel who does romantic songs in Spanish that absolutely are impeccable.  In one "Te Desean" (they desire you) he sings about how much others desire a woman he apparently loves.  He says she knows it because he has noted it and he wishes she only knew that he not only desires her but that he loves her.  The song ends without a result and we don't know if he ends up with her.  That is the kind of romantic but rather tragic message of a lot of his songs.  It is about how much love hurts.  It is about how much love ends up being wrong or someone leaving someone.  In another song he says "if you forget me I promise I will forget you", of course in Spanish is sounds ever more intense.  It is more like "if you dare forget me I will dare to forget you as well".  It turns out that the romance is under the frequent circumstance of them both having someone else.  In another verse he says that t...

Today I am starting my day off with the appointment to address the swelling  in my body.  It is so persistent that I feel like I am spinning my wheels but there is always that hope that this swelling from the cancer treatments will get better.  I dread it in part, even the drive there is a chore for me some days but I know I have to do this because in it there is that hope.  I hold onto that hope each and every day. Once I am done there I will come home and make myself a chicken pizza from Trader Joe's.  I am looking forward to it since I've not tasted this one before.  Cooking for one person does not always make sense.  On the up side I still have some left over home made soup that my friend made for me in the fridge.  Like yesterday I don't eat during the day until like late afternoon or early evening but then I eat a lot.  I just take that to mean that this is how I will be able to eat and eat well. Starting my day is like getting a jo...

I think if I were to attribute my success at getting through this time in my life it would be to see each day as a new day.  It is my ability to somehow be able to see each day as a new beginning and another chance to do things just a little differently.  Every day is a new day so that we can get that chance to do what we thought we could not do the day before.  We find the strength we might not have had the day before or even an hour before. It is a new day today September 30 and even though I haven't done anything special I will go to my lymphatic treatment at 3pm and take care of that part of my health that needs my attention.  Some days that is all I can do, that one thing.  So I put it in my mind that I will do that one thing and do one more thing to make this a new day. Once I have accomplished making my bed today, giving myself a shot into my stomach and putting my feet up for the swelling I feel like I am partly there, starting from the beginning. ...

One never knows what will become of a seed.  It could bloom into a tomato or an orchid.  It could be fragrant as a rose or have no scent whatsoever.  As we await Spring we are all anxious to see the green leaves blooming on the trees, the grass becoming green and the tulips sprouting out from under the earth.  It is much like a miracle and it may not be without its own brand of pain. We are like a seed growing and in our growing we may experience some pain.  When we are in our deepest darkness like a seed inside the ground we may not even want to come up through the earth and experience the light.  Sometimes that's too painful.  Sometimes we would rather remain a seed and not bother growing or experiencing just in case the experience is not a good one. The truth about becoming a flower and sprouting up from the pain is that we won't experience either joy or sorrow if we are not willing to grow.  If we are not willing to come up to the surface ...

Today I started week two of a three day workout, light ones.  I am truly amazed at the difference it is already making for me and my lymphedema.  I feel better and more fulfilled as well even though it is only for thirty minutes.  I am working up to forty five minutes like before and maybe more as I go along.  With all the prayer support I have a really good feeling I will be able to stick to this and that it will yield dividends as they say in the market.  I do confess that I went to Wendy's afterwards and had a burger fries and soda.  I get my weight on when it is convenient for me.  My intention is to go right back to my healthier and more home made food. My shot this morning was a breeze and I got through it well.  I did not feel it hardly at all and I felt dam good about myself for taking care of it right away first thing in the morning even before a cup of coffee.  I made my smoothie out of apple, celery, blueberries, bananas nd straw...

I prefer to look at giving myself a shot as a loving act.  I prefer to look at this scary but neccessary act one that is self compassionate.  I do it every day and have two more days of it in order to make certain I live longer hence I get to be a dad and a grandpa longer.  I get to share more time and life with my children and friends and experience strangers who smile at me.  I know that I was placed in this situation of having to give myself a shot to avoid a clot in my blood and so that I can dance with my friend Jacky the next time she comes to visit and I can play with the legos when my granddaughter Isabella comes next time. I think that everything happens for a reason.  I am here still for good reason and each day I will make that injection count and be a symbol of why I am still here.  I have something to give to someone.  I have something to say to others.  I have something in my heart that needs to be expressed, maybe even some pain t...

For the past couple of weeks I have been asked to inject myself with a blood thinner when at my last hospital stay it was discovered that I had a "slight blood clot".  I recall wheen the nurse came in and she started to show me how to do the injection by grabbing a fatty part of my abdomen, putting alcohol on it and pushing the needle in.  I took the injection from her hand and simply injected myself  per her instructions thinking that it would need to be something I'd have to get use to anyway.  It felt empowering to me and at the same time scary.  Since that day I have been putting two such injections in my abdomen each day and night before bed and upon getting up.  Each time I think it would be easier and on one hand it is but on the other it is not.  I don't know quite how to explain it but there is this hesitancy at first when I go to do it each time.  I keep thinking it should be easier and effortless yet it is not, yet on the up side of it ...

I am completely and utterly honored to have been mentioned by my pastor in his Sunday sermon today.  The sermon truly brought home the idea of living in the now not the past and not in the future, how this empedes us from livng in the present. I find that living life in the present moment has become more important and more neccessary than before my cancer diagnosis.  I see now the importance of making this moment count and not living int the past when I did not have a health opportunity and when I had been in physical training for two years.  When I live in that past and when I attempt to live in the future I get confused now and it feels odd to me.  I don't have any desire to think about what will happen tomorrow or even in the next hour and as a result I live in the moment by moment and enjoy it the very best I can. Today I am yearning for a McDonald's frap coffee and I think if it is in my detiny to get one then I will but I am not going to think about it for ...

Today there was a house filled with girls.  My daughters Camille and Taina, my friend Jacky, her daughter Sueheli, my granddaughters Mia and Isabella, my friend Eugiene and even the six ladies next door having a girl weekend.  I look at each of the girls around me and what I see is a power that is unlike males.  These girls each have been taught that being a girl or woman means something and each one of them have been told they are valuable and just as smart as any boy or man.  I often remember how hard it was for me to buy my daughter her first Barbie when she asked for it.  I avoided that doll for many years and when in any toy store I would offer anything but a Barbie to my kids.  I think this may have had some effect in that they really were not that interested in Barbies even after they had one.  Today as women they share how the image of the Barbie sends the wrong message to girls.  I personally think that a doll with an one inch waist and a...

I know we have heard it over and again that family is everything but I don't think we can think too much about the importance of family.  Today my best friends and their children came by along with my daughters and two granddauthers.  I recall getting up so much more happy and as the morning wore on I became even more excited.  I could not wait for everyone to arrive.  Both my friends are like sisters to me one who I taught at the same school with and one who I partied and danced salsa with for a few years.  My oldest daughter has a thirteen year old and a five year old, both girls.  One of my good friends with a daughter and son came by with her boyfriend and made me some home made soup that took four hours to make.  It was filled with meat, potatoes, veggies of all kinds and rice to be added or not.  My other friend made a pasta with sausage and chicken and cheese.  It was delicious and that was our lunch.  Her two sons were delig...

My grandmother use to say " what starts badly ends badly" and some days I think she is so so very right about that, however  I have to know that what starts badly can end happily because I would not be here right now if it were not for some alteration to this motto.  I just cannot believe that when I wake up like I did this morning that the whole day would look that bleak and dark to me, especially the portion of the day where I give myself and injection to think my blood. Today I woke up feeling helpless and thinking I could stay in bed all day but were it not for the fact that I was wide awake and thirsty.  I felt my swollen leg and thought, "why me, why this?".  Then I got up and gave myself my much needed injection and decided to start my day with my first cup of coffee and although I admit I had one too many it was a good jolt for me.  I made the bed as usual first and washed up to go to the gym.  My thoughts were simply dry and bland.  I had a ...

Last night prior to going to bed I looked for a particularly soft t-shirt to wear that says: "Be Present".  It is a steel color gray with white lettering.  I chose this shirt because for me being present has become a challenge and being present if what I sense I need to be reminded of.  As soon as I awoke the telephone rang and it was my sister who was on her way to me.  With her she brought the most delicious ingredients and food fit for a feast and fit for royalty.  Her cooking demonstrates how much she loves you and she takes great care to put together the most unusual ingredients.  For breakfast it was Spanish rice, scrambled eggs, mixed peppers, red onion and a lovely hot sauce to bring it all to life.  She serves it in a serving dish rather than to give it to you in a plate which makes it even more special and gives the food the room to really shine.  Oh yes there was some spinach in there as well.  I have no idea what spices she u...

It is a spiritual practice to ask God for what we want.  It is not a new practice but rather an ancient practice to surrender when we should surrender to the will of the spirit.  There is not any certain way to get what we need and at times it is something we seem to need badly, like a roof over our head or that perfect job.  We have to know that when we ask we will get what we need.  Nothing can stop that from happening except ourself.  We stop ourselves from obtaining what we want because in most cases we don't believe we will or we don't believe we deserve it.  It may be that we deserve nothing but we do deserve the basics in life and especially our dreams. A good friend told us a story about how she desired an apartment in an area where she needed to live and wanted to live.  An area that was convenient for her.  She had been looking for this place and suddenly realized she needed to manifest this by turning it over and letting go of her hum...

My great grandmother lived until I was seven.  One day she was there and then she was gone.  She prayed every day at night and lit candles for those who had gone before her.  She was a simple woman who only spoke Spanish and she sat on one chair every day on the porch just before it was time for me to come home from school.  I would estimate how far I would need to be from home before I could see her sitting there waiting for me to kiss her on the cheek.  I remember times when I did not kiss her because I'd had a bad day but of course today I wish I had kissed her every day for waiting for this little boy to come home.  A little boy that never felt good about himself and a little boy who did not know why he liked other boys more than girls.  My great grandmother was a fantastic person and at the time I just did not know it.  She was one of my first teachers. When I was angry I use to tease my grandmother saying things that were likely not very n...

Today I experienced a lot of joy and I think it was because I did everything I could to make certain that I took care of myself.  I made a smoothie, I went to do light exercises at the health club for thirty minutes, I went to the store to buy some food I needed in the house and dinner and I even had  wonderful cupcake with coffee. Taking care of yourself is the best path to joy.  Not the selfish me me me kind of self care but rather the kind of care that is essential.  All day long as I was taking such good care of me, I received many smile and great service everywhere I went.  It think people can sense when you are in a loving place inside and they respond positively automatically to it  Every step you take you take it with love like I did today and every step takes you closer to love. Then I walked into Trader Joe's and there is that perfect card that says something about doing everything with love and loving others.  I think that...

Well it seems I have gathered up one more thing to do for Elliott today so I am going out to a late night movie, the one with Jane Fonda and Tina Fey.  It looks like fun.  Boy when you are on a roll you really get on a roll.  I am al dolled up for  a date with Elliott.  What more better person to be with tonight.  What better person to laugh with and enjoy.  Elliott.

This evening seemed like a special one as I cooked pasta with butter, olive oil, leftover chicken and almonds.  It felt good to care for myself and it got me to thinking how good that feels.  When we honor ourselves with a meal, we go to a movie or we do anything that honors us and is just for us that creates a good feeling, one that we sometimes need to experience.  I love when my food taste good and looks pretty and I take pictures of it.  I send it to my daughters or a friend and show that I am in for Elliott and making sure he has a good meal by lovingly cooking it and taking all the time I need.  The clean up is not as fun I must say but worth the effort. To take and iron a shirt, do a workout, cook a meal or read a book is all self loving acts.  Every time we do one of them we feel better automatically.  It may not work one hundred percent of the time but it does most of the time.  Taking the time to fluff up your pillow, take all you...

In a place where we have a label for every kind of person, ethnicity and sexual orientation it is difficult to decide who we are and who others think we are.  I for one use to call myself a gay man, sometimes in the old days homosexual.  Now it is OK for people to call themselves queer.  I am confused at times but to be honest I can see myself evolving into a man who would rather not have a label: gay, straight, bi, innocent or otherwise transgender.  I for one would need to look up each category of person and their alleged sexuality. I don't want a label.  I was married for ten years to a female then married for ten years many years later to a male.  I have for my own personal taste decided that I like women's company more than men's company and when I actively pursue someone that person will likely be a female.  I am not really worried about whether she identifies as lesbian or bi or whatever.  What I want is a great connection to a woman, one...

This morning I woke up thinking something I often think of which is where do I go from here?  I have lofty plans to go the exercise facility in my community club house just minutes from me and then I think about going to play racket ball at my health club where I am a member also a few minutes away.  I keep asking myself the bigger question when it relates to where I will live after I divorce and then ask myself how will I be able to afford insurance once I am divorced.  It goes from the small picture to a big overwhelming picture.  When I jump from the small items to the big ones I get stuck.  I end up doing nothing because it looks to big.  I fill my mind up with this feeling that if I cannot get at the big stuff like my post cancer illnesses then how can I just do the little things or how will I do those small things.  But alas today I am determined to do one small thing and one big one so I called my doctor and made a post hospital appointment and ...

Doesn't everyone want to stay alive?  Could it be that it is more difficult for some than there is to want to be and to stay in a state of aliveness?  Do some of us get up in the morning feeling alive and others awake feeling dead or as though they might as well be dead?  What is it with these folks that get up happy every day all the time, day after day?  How do some people seem on a constant joyous place and others look as though they are completely lost?  How is it that staying alive is so difficult for so many of us that there are commercials on TV about pills that will keep us happy?  Why is it that there are thousands of people out there that need a pill to get them through the work day?  Why is it so hard for people to stay alive? I guess it's not a secret that I might have some post cancer trauma both physically and emotionally.  The physical scars don't bother me one bit and to be honest they are not pretty.  Some might b...

I hope my pastor knows, as he reads this blog, that I am taking his sermon and I am turning it using it as the subject of my blog.  It would not be the first time I did this, in fact I am certain I have done it several times.  Luckily he cares very much for his congregants and won't be calling me to reprimand me or laugh at my misinterpretations.  I can only do my best and I want to say that whatever my knowledge of the subject of being right, it has been sometimes so painful that it has dragged me to the ground and brought me to tears.  Everyone has been there but only some of us know how completely horrific a place one can find oneself in just to be right. So many times anger is coupled with being right.  We will even go the extent of screaming and yelling and even putting that righteousness in writing where we cannot take it back.  There was one such incident in my life where an acquaintance wrote me an email that was not just angry it w...

I often wake up with this feeling of urgency and sometimes I let it get to anxiety and then if I am really dumb about it, not self loving, it turns into angry fear.  Someone is going to come and get me and that person or entity has a lot of power over me.  I am this weak being with post cancer trauma and going through all these things and I cannot help thinking.  Why the hell me?  Another surprise?  Another challenge to look at and ponder and maybe try to overcome or ignore.  Another day in the life of any person.  A Just Today day.  It could be anybody and it could be just for now.  It could last five minutes or it could last five hours.  I get to chose. Is it not amusing how we forget that we accept what we cannot control and we forget to "change the things we can"?  We just cannot remember that shit from one day to the next.  We just forget that if someone rings the doorbell we don't have to answer the door....

As I waited outside the NMH Walgreens for transportation to take me to the next building a little boy with long curly blond hair flies by me, stops to throw out some paper, looks directly at me and then swiftly runs to catch up to his mother and takes her hand, intuitively he knows that if his mom is nearby he needs not feel fearful.  For many of us this wasn't always the case and we grow up to be insecure adults who yearn for others to take care of us.  We stay in unhealthy relationships because even in a bad relationship we can be convinces that we are being protected for all those times we weren't. Every adult should be able to navigate through life with some feeling and confidence, yet may of us do not.  In fact a lot of us go through life looking for our protector who we either find or it is more likely we won't find.  Looking for this person is a life long task.  It is going to in fact take us all our life to find this perso...

As some of you can imagine, being surrounded by a pink butterfly may be considered magical but being loved my someone like a daughter is ever more significant.  Yesterday it was Taina and today Camille  who is the youngest of the two spent time with me right there, right by by bedside.  I guess one cannot ask for more that hat.  Family is everything.  This is what it all comes down to: familia.  There are the folks who love you most of the time and know when to take a nice little break from you. In all of my dealings with parents and their children I have rarely matched this kind of unconditional handling of my feelings, my beliefs and respect for me spirit.  Every night before I retire to bed I think about how much of what I have others do not.  One might think so but it is not true of all families.  I even have family members of my former wife who still connect with me and who still care about what happens to me.  As m...

How is is that when dads get ill it it their daughters.  I have the gift of having tow daughters not just one, both who are the brightest and most loving people anyone could ever meet.  There is a part of me that feel badly that they get shouldered with this responsibility because of their title.  After all what would people say if a daughter not come to the aid of her father?  Even the worse father gets some sort of compassion from their daughter.  Today I am grateful to have a daughter who is here allowing me to shed my tears and patting me and soothing me on my shoulders.  Asking me what I need or want and willing to sit through hours and hours with me to make sure that I get it.  She has literally been in the hospital for three hours without one complaint and without one negative word. How blessed are these fathers with daughters like mine.  How very lifted they are to have such beautiful beings who care about them and would do any...

There is more to be said about dads and daughters.  The way that they supply so much love and compassion even to fathers who are not there or have not been there for them.  Today as I am taken to get an X-ray I see another daughter with her father and just being there for him.  I thought about my daughter waiting upstairs for me and spending hour and hours in the hospital with me making certain that my every need was met.  Even going to get food for me that I wanted to eat.  What a wonderful gift a daughter is to her father and lucky me that I have two.  The compassion that comes from that goddess inspired energy is as special as it gets.  There is nothing like it and nothing to match it. I remember a woman friend of mine saying that she did not feel she deserved anything.  I thought about it and felt so ridiculous around the fact that I tell people and myself so many times that we deserve love or that we deserve and beautiful house. ...

I received an email from my daughter Taina today.  Often times she has some loving information to share with me and this was no different.  She shared a touching story about a woman she saw walking downtown that was blind that she noted was pregnant.  She saw that this woman seemed very happy as she walked with her cane down the street as if nothing in the world bothered her or impeded her from her happiness, the joy of having a child.  How many of us can say that we can feel joy while not being able to see?  How many of us can say that we can be joyful about having a child and not being able to ever see that child, not knowing what your child will look like?  How many of us could endure a nine month pregnancy without being able to see?  How many of us can be happy about having a child in spite of the fact that we will never see that child in their school photo or in any other form?   Like my daughter pointed out this woman is a good ...

Today's reading in The Book of Awakening was one that did not surprise me and was one I randomly picked.  It was entitled "One Key to Knowing Joy is to be Easily Pleased".  In this exert it talked about how demanding people were about the way their steak was cooked or the type of liquor they insisted on when at a bar, bringing forth the point that being so demanding is exhausting and that maybe one would live a more graceful life by being satisfied with what you have and not being demanding but rather accepting. I saw myself in this reading for today and I remember being very demanding in my relationship often times seeing my partner as if he were a "country bumpkin" for not wearing the right clothing that matched or for not wanting things just so. He often times just took what was given to him in the form it was given whether it was food or other items.  I on the other hand had to have my rice separated from my beans or just the right portion o...

I know it sounds like a "cop out" yet today I have decided that unlike yesterday I am going to do nothing.  Doing nothing means just that.  No major housework, no business related calls, no thinking about the stuff that isn't done or the things that are coming at me.  I have decided for this to be a do nothing day.  After all the two movies that I want to see are not out yet, one of them debuts on Friday.  In the meantime the other movie with Jane Fonda is not going to be released until the 19th of this month. I started out good today because I did not get up until about 11am.  I had eaten some coconut chocolate ice milk from Trader Joes and it kept me up until the sugar wore off but then I slept like a baby, all be it with one eye open as they say.  Before I fell asleep I told myself that today was going to be a relaxation day.  I thought "tomorrow I am not going to be on the phone trying to figure things out and getting transferred from one pe...