Be Present

Last night prior to going to bed I looked for a particularly soft t-shirt to wear that says: "Be Present".  It is a steel color gray with white lettering.  I chose this shirt because for me being present has become a challenge and being present if what I sense I need to be reminded of.  As soon as I awoke the telephone rang and it was my sister who was on her way to me.  With her she brought the most delicious ingredients and food fit for a feast and fit for royalty.  Her cooking demonstrates how much she loves you and she takes great care to put together the most unusual ingredients.  For breakfast it was Spanish rice, scrambled eggs, mixed peppers, red onion and a lovely hot sauce to bring it all to life.  She serves it in a serving dish rather than to give it to you in a plate which makes it even more special and gives the food the room to really shine.  Oh yes there was some spinach in there as well.  I have no idea what spices she uses but know that usually she uses fresh garlic and other simple seasoning like ground pepper and sea salt.  It is a medley of love in a plate.  It is like art and it tastes like heaven.  Nothing is left undone and it is well thought out.  In fact if you watch her a little from the corner of your eye, you are not allowed in the HER kitchen, you can see the excitement in her face as she prepares the most carefully prepared meal you may ever eat.  In fact she has sometimes put a vase with a flower on a red tray and makes it even more an act of sheer love.  It is exciting and the one thing you are sure of is that you are being loved at the very highest level.  

As if this were not enough of a special day my pastor made a home visit.  All the while I never changed into my clothes and in fact we talked about the shirt I had on and the struggle to be present.  His visit was timely in that every time he comes over I get an opportunity to express the joy and the sadness and feel completely accepted and honored and heard.  He sits through my dissertations on how poorly I was treated and the sadness I have experienced, the pain that I have had to go through and he never judges me.  The one thing he said to me today is to not expect my soon to be X to have learned anything from the experience of being with me and leaving at a time when I needed someone the most.  I agreed and shared that my focus has been to be kind to myself and to treat myself to every thing I need to stay afloat.  That is exactly what I am doing.  Every day is a new day and every day I chose what I can and cannot do whether it is calling a doctor, taking my meds or wrapping my parts of my body that are swollen.  It is all in the course of a day that I make minute by minute decisions.  I find myself being kinder and more patient with Elliott and the inner boy that hurts and feels lost.  It is living in the present and I did my best to do so.  

After my pastor left my sister invited me to leave the house and go out somewhere, anywhere.  When I came down the stairs she looked at me in her special manner as if to say: Aren't you going to change and get dressed?.  I marched back upstairs, changed all my clothing, cleaned up nicely and put on some fragrance.  We went and had some ice cream and went to the Half Price Books.  She originally went in to find some magazines but as usual she went with the flow and started to discover and uncover books and things.  I even found a movie "Elizabeth" about queen Elizabeth for a dollar.  Her ability to be present and in the moment gave me permission to do the same.  I ran out, parked the car and became just as engrossed in the experience, just enjoying the time there, just discovering and like her uncovering a treasure here and there.  

So today it was about my shirt and following a simple premise like living in the present moment and being present.  I felt alive all day and connected to the people that love me and that I love so dearly.  A pastor who moves me in his sermons and a sister who moves me in her way of being so spontaneous.  So what if she did not find the magazines she wanted.  She simply went with what was 

presented to her.  What a beautiful wonderful day.  What a lively day of great food: chicken for dinner with more of the rice and more of the veggies and some chili of course.  A day filled with living the moment and laughing and even at one point shedding a some tears and emotion.  

I am grateful for these two wonderful people together who decided that I was important enough to spend the day with and leave every other thing they could have been doing.  It was like being in a wonderful dream where I got to be the special kid in class.  The kid that got picked first for the baseball team and the kid who all the kids loved his speech and laughed at all his jokes.  I got to be the kid that got all the love he needed and wanted and more.  That is what being present gets you.  That is when present finds you and meets you like being in the best candy store and getting to pick exactly what you want.  Life is a treat and being present doubles the value.  

Elliott Collazo Gonzalez