Needing to Be Right
I hope my pastor knows, as he reads this blog, that I am taking his sermon and I am turning it using it as the subject of my blog. It would not be the first time I did this, in fact I am certain I have done it several times. Luckily he cares very much for his congregants and won't be calling me to reprimand me or laugh at my misinterpretations. I can only do my best and I want to say that whatever my knowledge of the subject of being right, it has been sometimes so painful that it has dragged me to the ground and brought me to tears. Everyone has been there but only some of us know how completely horrific a place one can find oneself in just to be right.
So many times anger is coupled with being right. We will even go the extent of screaming and yelling and even putting that righteousness in writing where we cannot take it back. There was one such incident in my life where an acquaintance wrote me an email that was not just angry it was it was poison and venom jumped out of each sentence. This person even used some information that someone else I trusted to make a better case and install things that were so intimate I literally shook from every fiber of my body. She had a need to be right immediately after being asked to keep her nose out of my business in the most sweet manner I could put it. I realized from this experience that no matter how one says it, words that reject or correct someone will likely be followed by anger on the part of the other person. No matter how right you may think you are, it is best to measure the relationship and the need to be right. The truth is that the I am right initial email was a result of not speaking my truth when I should have, but I digress.
In relationship being right is likely one of the most common reasons for not actually resolving issues. Being right is being stuck in the ego and being right rarely ends up having much value. Being right has resulted in a million divorces and break ups of friendships. Being right has resulted in a lot of lonely people because after you are right so many times people don't really like to be in your energy.
So what is the alternative when we think we know we are right? The alternative is to share what you feel and let it go. The alternative to being right is being gentle and loving and simply saying what you need to say. The fact is that even if you are right it doesn't matter if the other person cannot hear it and if the other person is on the opposite end of the spectrum.
So really the only thing we can do is be willing to be wrong and be willing to be right in silence. We can also let it go and continue to live life without ever having to convince others we are right. There will be those times when the person will hear our message because we are not worried about being right. The less we are concerned about being right the more we can be in a place of being, just being. We can listen to what the person on the other end has to say, we can say what we need to say and respect that fact that those opinions are not the same. By seeing the point of the other person is making and acknowledging it we set the stage for a dialog, maybe one we can have later.
I like to be right don't get me wrong. I recall being younger and looking for ways to stand up for what I believed to be right and express my opinion with such anger that people would walk away from me and rightfully point out the anger. Now that I am sixty and been through the fire as I like to put it I don't have as much a need to be right. I can even allow someone to scream their opinion out and deescalate it with a soft word or gesture. So who cares if the suit is navy blue or black! Why is it so important to be right about what color it really is. How will this better my life?
I still believe that being right is the basis of divorce, long term friends walking away from each other and strangers getting into physical fights. Being right has been the reason one man takes a gun out of his pocket and shoots the other to their death. Being right is the reason that women have been beat up to the point of severe injuries. I guess when I look at the idea of being right I would rather just be wrong and maintain a peace center for myself.
One of my favorite sayings is "being angry is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die". I think "the need to be right is like drinking poison and expecting the other person we are arguing with to dance. "
So many times anger is coupled with being right. We will even go the extent of screaming and yelling and even putting that righteousness in writing where we cannot take it back. There was one such incident in my life where an acquaintance wrote me an email that was not just angry it was it was poison and venom jumped out of each sentence. This person even used some information that someone else I trusted to make a better case and install things that were so intimate I literally shook from every fiber of my body. She had a need to be right immediately after being asked to keep her nose out of my business in the most sweet manner I could put it. I realized from this experience that no matter how one says it, words that reject or correct someone will likely be followed by anger on the part of the other person. No matter how right you may think you are, it is best to measure the relationship and the need to be right. The truth is that the I am right initial email was a result of not speaking my truth when I should have, but I digress.
In relationship being right is likely one of the most common reasons for not actually resolving issues. Being right is being stuck in the ego and being right rarely ends up having much value. Being right has resulted in a million divorces and break ups of friendships. Being right has resulted in a lot of lonely people because after you are right so many times people don't really like to be in your energy.
So what is the alternative when we think we know we are right? The alternative is to share what you feel and let it go. The alternative to being right is being gentle and loving and simply saying what you need to say. The fact is that even if you are right it doesn't matter if the other person cannot hear it and if the other person is on the opposite end of the spectrum.
So really the only thing we can do is be willing to be wrong and be willing to be right in silence. We can also let it go and continue to live life without ever having to convince others we are right. There will be those times when the person will hear our message because we are not worried about being right. The less we are concerned about being right the more we can be in a place of being, just being. We can listen to what the person on the other end has to say, we can say what we need to say and respect that fact that those opinions are not the same. By seeing the point of the other person is making and acknowledging it we set the stage for a dialog, maybe one we can have later.
I like to be right don't get me wrong. I recall being younger and looking for ways to stand up for what I believed to be right and express my opinion with such anger that people would walk away from me and rightfully point out the anger. Now that I am sixty and been through the fire as I like to put it I don't have as much a need to be right. I can even allow someone to scream their opinion out and deescalate it with a soft word or gesture. So who cares if the suit is navy blue or black! Why is it so important to be right about what color it really is. How will this better my life?
I still believe that being right is the basis of divorce, long term friends walking away from each other and strangers getting into physical fights. Being right has been the reason one man takes a gun out of his pocket and shoots the other to their death. Being right is the reason that women have been beat up to the point of severe injuries. I guess when I look at the idea of being right I would rather just be wrong and maintain a peace center for myself.
One of my favorite sayings is "being angry is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die". I think "the need to be right is like drinking poison and expecting the other person we are arguing with to dance. "
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