STAYING ALIVE
Doesn't everyone want to stay alive? Could it be that it is more difficult for some than there is to want to be and to stay in a state of aliveness? Do some of us get up in the morning feeling alive and others awake feeling dead or as though they might as well be dead? What is it with these folks that get up happy every day all the time, day after day? How do some people seem on a constant joyous place and others look as though they are completely lost? How is it that staying alive is so difficult for so many of us that there are commercials on TV about pills that will keep us happy? Why is it that there are thousands of people out there that need a pill to get them through the work day? Why is it so hard for people to stay alive?
I guess it's not a secret that I might have some post cancer trauma both physically and emotionally. The physical scars don't bother me one bit and to be honest they are not pretty. Some might be a bit frightened or taken aback by them. I have a road map on my abdomen that looks like a map for a train route in Europe. At first when I would look at the scars, when I finally got the nerve to look at them, I cried. Eventually I could look at the scars and be OK with them. They are imperfections added to imperfections and after all none of us are perfect anyway. The more accepting I have been of this map on my body the more I can feel alive and stay alive.
Some people think I am courageous but the truth is that I am not at all courageous. Some might even think I have a great will or likely have a great will to stay alive. That may be true some of the time but not all of the time. When I am placing my blood thinner shot into my stomach is likely one of those moments when it is hard to stay alive and keep breathing and going to the next step like taking a bath. Sometimes just taking a bath is a major feat and when I get through doing it I feel just a little more alive, like I want to live.
In the movie "A Man Alone" it starts immediately with the death of his love partner in a car accident. He keeps flashing back and forth from the current life he is barely living, attempting and contemplating killing himself every other day, to flashbacks of the golden days when he and his partner shared tender moments. It is hard for him to live and truthfully he seems to be barely alive. He is handsome, viral looking and dresses like a model. His students have crushes on him and one is actively seeking him out. Although it's a compliment to him the young college students shows up when he is in his car preparing to shoot himself again. Something happens every time, the phone rings, he changes his mind, someone shows up and keeps him fro completing his task. He even finds himself back in a mixed up relationship with a female friend who is in love with him. No matter what the facts it looks like he latches on to anything that will help him to forget about his lovers death. Anything that will numb his pain, anything at all. Nothing seems to be working but to finally let go of the past and begin to live in the present. When he finally decides he is going to go on ahead and live.
For some of us every day is a struggle and an exercise in how much stamina we have inside of us, how much faith we have and how much we want to live. For me I think there is a small to large portion of me that gets up every day wondering if I am going to make it. Some days I just kill time, some days I meditate, some days I keep myself busy watching one movie after the other and some days I take myself out to a movie. When I cook a meal for myself that takes more than five minutes that is a good day. That day I feel more alive. And so I have uncovered something special and that is that being alive is a daily job for everyone and that we all have reasons to live and not live. We can justify wanting to be dead or we can struggle to be alive more by doing everything we can to put one foot in front of the other as they say. I intend to put one foot in front of the other.
Lately I have had the aftermath of the cancer treatments. An awful swelling of my body parts down to my right leg that is swollen called lymphedema. Then there is this reoccurring cellulitis that has ended me in the ER room twice this month. Then there is this recent discovery of a blood clot for which I get the privilege of giving myself shots for daily for two weeks. Then there's my energy level that usually in a word , sucks. When I look in the mirror I see a person who is about twenty pounds underweight. I see this man who looks back at me and I wonder who he is yet he is the one telling me to keep going. I continue to ask what is the lesson? I continue to think that someone is trying to tell me something. Every day I know it is my job, just my job, not anyone else's job to nurture myself to a healthier and more joyful place. Every day my job is to not just stay alive but to stay completely alive and experience some form of joy.
Sometimes I think if someone, just one person would come along and care for me I will be happier. Then I wake up from that delusional state of mind and I welcome myself to life as it is. Not the way I want it, not the way I can make it, not life as I would rather have it, but life as I know it.
Then I can breathe again.
I guess it's not a secret that I might have some post cancer trauma both physically and emotionally. The physical scars don't bother me one bit and to be honest they are not pretty. Some might be a bit frightened or taken aback by them. I have a road map on my abdomen that looks like a map for a train route in Europe. At first when I would look at the scars, when I finally got the nerve to look at them, I cried. Eventually I could look at the scars and be OK with them. They are imperfections added to imperfections and after all none of us are perfect anyway. The more accepting I have been of this map on my body the more I can feel alive and stay alive.
Some people think I am courageous but the truth is that I am not at all courageous. Some might even think I have a great will or likely have a great will to stay alive. That may be true some of the time but not all of the time. When I am placing my blood thinner shot into my stomach is likely one of those moments when it is hard to stay alive and keep breathing and going to the next step like taking a bath. Sometimes just taking a bath is a major feat and when I get through doing it I feel just a little more alive, like I want to live.
In the movie "A Man Alone" it starts immediately with the death of his love partner in a car accident. He keeps flashing back and forth from the current life he is barely living, attempting and contemplating killing himself every other day, to flashbacks of the golden days when he and his partner shared tender moments. It is hard for him to live and truthfully he seems to be barely alive. He is handsome, viral looking and dresses like a model. His students have crushes on him and one is actively seeking him out. Although it's a compliment to him the young college students shows up when he is in his car preparing to shoot himself again. Something happens every time, the phone rings, he changes his mind, someone shows up and keeps him fro completing his task. He even finds himself back in a mixed up relationship with a female friend who is in love with him. No matter what the facts it looks like he latches on to anything that will help him to forget about his lovers death. Anything that will numb his pain, anything at all. Nothing seems to be working but to finally let go of the past and begin to live in the present. When he finally decides he is going to go on ahead and live.
For some of us every day is a struggle and an exercise in how much stamina we have inside of us, how much faith we have and how much we want to live. For me I think there is a small to large portion of me that gets up every day wondering if I am going to make it. Some days I just kill time, some days I meditate, some days I keep myself busy watching one movie after the other and some days I take myself out to a movie. When I cook a meal for myself that takes more than five minutes that is a good day. That day I feel more alive. And so I have uncovered something special and that is that being alive is a daily job for everyone and that we all have reasons to live and not live. We can justify wanting to be dead or we can struggle to be alive more by doing everything we can to put one foot in front of the other as they say. I intend to put one foot in front of the other.
Lately I have had the aftermath of the cancer treatments. An awful swelling of my body parts down to my right leg that is swollen called lymphedema. Then there is this reoccurring cellulitis that has ended me in the ER room twice this month. Then there is this recent discovery of a blood clot for which I get the privilege of giving myself shots for daily for two weeks. Then there's my energy level that usually in a word , sucks. When I look in the mirror I see a person who is about twenty pounds underweight. I see this man who looks back at me and I wonder who he is yet he is the one telling me to keep going. I continue to ask what is the lesson? I continue to think that someone is trying to tell me something. Every day I know it is my job, just my job, not anyone else's job to nurture myself to a healthier and more joyful place. Every day my job is to not just stay alive but to stay completely alive and experience some form of joy.
Sometimes I think if someone, just one person would come along and care for me I will be happier. Then I wake up from that delusional state of mind and I welcome myself to life as it is. Not the way I want it, not the way I can make it, not life as I would rather have it, but life as I know it.
Then I can breathe again.
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