Every Day Start All Over

I think I just realized that every day I wake up feeling a little anxious and feeling a bit lost.  Every day I think about what could be next for me and sometimes not in a positive light.  I have seen the chemo through and kept my hair.  I have seen the radiation through and still have those body parts all be it not so beautiful and not so fully functioning, but almost.  Every day I ask God if this is the day that I am going to get through with ease and some form of grace.  Every day I ask the same questions.  What am I doing here in this life?  What is the purpose of my life?  What else can go wrong and what can go right, pleading for some relief.  I look at my right leg and foot and it's double the size of the other leg and foot.  The lymph nodes are going crazy on me and I am swollen and in pain.  Each time I look down at my leg I hope for a little less swelling and a little more ease of movement.  I think about the fact that I am alone in a big house where there isn't anyone to ask a favor of or anyone to cry to, so I cry to myself and somehow that gives me some relief.

Then there are days like today where I wash the slipcovers on my sofa, get breakfast made by my lovely sister who stayed with me overnight and who lavished me with meals that were fit for a king the night before.  She leaves me with black beans, jazmine rice, pateles and a brand new Vogue magazine that she wants but did not ask me for.  She leaves me with not one but two kisses, one on each cheek as is customary of Spaniard folk.  She leaves me with a lot of love and referring to me as her torta face.  Not only do I get the slipcovers cleaned and dried I even mop the floor and manage to get a person to mow the lawn for me.  To top my day I was on the phone all morning with the insurance company and providers for my lymphedema treatments, transferred over and over and over again, without losing my composure.  I felt functional and I think that is what it is about for me.  A feeling like I got some things accomplished and that I could function for myself.  I could do this and not fall apart completely and be polite to whomever was on the other side of the phone.  I start all over again every day.  Every day I start over.

I have no idea what I will be able to do on any given day.  Call the attorney, do some errands, make myself some breakfast or get inside my car and buy some half and half.  I have no idea how far I will get before I start to feel lonely, happy, sad or start to cry.  I keep getting this message from my friends that I am their hero.  I think they think that if I can make myself a cup of coffee and eat some bread I am doing a great job.  I think that they really feel like my living another day is a hero like endeavor.  I don't often feel that way at all.  In fact more often than not I make it every day by starting the hell over again and again.  I try not to think about being a victim of cancer or the chemo and radiation treatments and effect it has had on me.  It takes everything in me not to just throw the towel in and just when I think I will someone or something asks me to start all over again.  And so I do.

There is something to be said about starting every day all  over again.  I guess for me it has become essential that I think of it this way.  Each day is a new one, each day is a chance, each day is a moment in time and each day I get to start over again because in my mind I have to.  I need to believe that I can start this day new and let go of whatever might have held me back the day before.  I need to know that I have this chance to begin a new chapter and begin a new life in some small way.  It is what keeps me going between the fear of being alone and the reality that I am really alone most of the time with the exception of being with Spirit.  I have to remember that I am alive today and that I can simply live my life over again, doing the best that I can along the way.

My wish for you my friends and family is that you see each day as a new one.  Don't worry about the Cat scan of your chest until you have to or until you have to be there or until you get the results.  Don't climb up the ladder until your ready and it makes sense to do so.  Don't think about anything until it comes knocking and even then make sure you can handle it.  Take each day and start it up again and again.  Start it the best way you can with the most love you can and feeling the most faith you can possibly feel.  Start your day as if it were the first or the last day because either way it is.

By: Elliott Collazo Gonzalez