My Self Injection
For the past couple of weeks I have been asked to inject myself with a blood thinner when at my last hospital stay it was discovered that I had a "slight blood clot". I recall wheen the nurse came in and she started to show me how to do the injection by grabbing a fatty part of my abdomen, putting alcohol on it and pushing the needle in. I took the injection from her hand and simply injected myself per her instructions thinking that it would need to be something I'd have to get use to anyway. It felt empowering to me and at the same time scary. Since that day I have been putting two such injections in my abdomen each day and night before bed and upon getting up. Each time I think it would be easier and on one hand it is but on the other it is not. I don't know quite how to explain it but there is this hesitancy at first when I go to do it each time. I keep thinking it should be easier and effortless yet it is not, yet on the up side of it I do it each time and once finished I feel a sense of accomplishment. I took care of myself and I did what needed to be done to avoid a blood clot and to get batter. I don't care that it can be a struggle sometimes. I only care that I complete the task.
If you would have asked me if I would inject myself at any other time in my life I would have said you were crazy. In fact when I was asked to do this about ten years ago I had someone else do it for me. Now that I am doing it myself I realize that it is easier to inject myself than to have someone surprise me with the prick at any given time. I also realize that because I am alone and not in relationship that I have been asked by God to step up for the sake of Elliott. To do for Elliott what he needs done and to step up at a time when I thought I could not or would not. I know now that I can step up and do what I need to do for myself and that someone else doing it would simply be icing on my cake. I already have my cake and my icing and I don't need anyone to find it for me or give it to me. That feels truly good and independent for me. It makes me feel empowered and truly happy for my soul. I can handle taking care of Elliott. If I am called to serve I can also handle that soon enough and when the time is right.
Tonight I am watching Fried Green Tomatoes and in the beginning a little girl loses her big brother because he goes after another girl's hat on the train track, gets his foot stuck and gets hit and killed by the train. It is a movie so much about compassion and love. It is about a little girl who turns out to be a strong woman that finds her life an adventure. She has the courage to heal from her brother's death and move into a place where she finds her power and joy. Instead of keeping her grief forever she decides to let it go and move into her center and takes care of herself. If we could only all be the same as her and find ourselves no matter what happens in our life, no matter who we lose and how many times we lose.
My sister committed suicide. I will never forget that day because if was like a dream. I could not believe that she was gone and that she made a decision to leave me. I took it personally and I grieved and cried for at leaast two or three months. Then one day I realized that she made her decision and that she had the right to make it. She did not want to be here anymore and so she decided not to be. I know it is not that simple and I would not insult myself or anyone else by making believe that it was that easy. It was complicated but it was unlike my decision to give myself a shot I need to stay alive. Just wheen we think we know what we would do we find out that we are going to respond according to where we are at that time in our life. My sister decided to end her life while I on the other hand have decided to make every effort to prolong mine by injecting myself.
Tomorrow is a new day. I know that I will need to begin again and measure where I am at emotionally and physically and spiritually. I know that each day I start again and each day I make
a decision to live fully or not so fully. Tomorrow is another day and I will address it when it comes. I am almost forced to live one day at a time and the injection of blood thinners is only a symbol of what is happening with me. It is not just about the injection but rather about life. It is about living. It is about alowing myself to scream or cry if I need to and about allowing myself to run and jump if I can. Every day is a surprise for me. Each one for about three more days involves taking a pinch of my stomach and injecting medicine into my system.
I prefer
If you would have asked me if I would inject myself at any other time in my life I would have said you were crazy. In fact when I was asked to do this about ten years ago I had someone else do it for me. Now that I am doing it myself I realize that it is easier to inject myself than to have someone surprise me with the prick at any given time. I also realize that because I am alone and not in relationship that I have been asked by God to step up for the sake of Elliott. To do for Elliott what he needs done and to step up at a time when I thought I could not or would not. I know now that I can step up and do what I need to do for myself and that someone else doing it would simply be icing on my cake. I already have my cake and my icing and I don't need anyone to find it for me or give it to me. That feels truly good and independent for me. It makes me feel empowered and truly happy for my soul. I can handle taking care of Elliott. If I am called to serve I can also handle that soon enough and when the time is right.
Tonight I am watching Fried Green Tomatoes and in the beginning a little girl loses her big brother because he goes after another girl's hat on the train track, gets his foot stuck and gets hit and killed by the train. It is a movie so much about compassion and love. It is about a little girl who turns out to be a strong woman that finds her life an adventure. She has the courage to heal from her brother's death and move into a place where she finds her power and joy. Instead of keeping her grief forever she decides to let it go and move into her center and takes care of herself. If we could only all be the same as her and find ourselves no matter what happens in our life, no matter who we lose and how many times we lose.
My sister committed suicide. I will never forget that day because if was like a dream. I could not believe that she was gone and that she made a decision to leave me. I took it personally and I grieved and cried for at leaast two or three months. Then one day I realized that she made her decision and that she had the right to make it. She did not want to be here anymore and so she decided not to be. I know it is not that simple and I would not insult myself or anyone else by making believe that it was that easy. It was complicated but it was unlike my decision to give myself a shot I need to stay alive. Just wheen we think we know what we would do we find out that we are going to respond according to where we are at that time in our life. My sister decided to end her life while I on the other hand have decided to make every effort to prolong mine by injecting myself.
Tomorrow is a new day. I know that I will need to begin again and measure where I am at emotionally and physically and spiritually. I know that each day I start again and each day I make
a decision to live fully or not so fully. Tomorrow is another day and I will address it when it comes. I am almost forced to live one day at a time and the injection of blood thinners is only a symbol of what is happening with me. It is not just about the injection but rather about life. It is about living. It is about alowing myself to scream or cry if I need to and about allowing myself to run and jump if I can. Every day is a surprise for me. Each one for about three more days involves taking a pinch of my stomach and injecting medicine into my system.
I prefer
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