Coach Elliott

If you are one of the people in my life that has seen my homes you would know that for me it is more than a place to sleep and eat.  For many a house is just a place to hang their hat and often times very little apart from eating and sleeping is done in their house.  Their house is simply not a home because the way a house becomes a home is very intentional.  Here are some decorating tips for your home that will make it feel like much more than a house: 1. Choose colors that are soft and beautiful and express your personality : I am not apposed to some beautifully done red walls in a dining room rich with woods and a chandelier that is traditional.  Red can look beautiful as long as it is the right shade of red, but most of the time I would suggest softer colorations.  It use to be called pastel colors and I happen to be a fan of the pastel greens, blues and aquas.  Soft colors make a wonderful backdrop to a variety of styles of furniture and accessories....

This week was a week with the grand kids.  They arrived on Saturday and leave Thursday, tomorrow.  I already know that I will miss them when they leave.  One is fourteen and the other is six.  Both are likely the most polite and loving children a grandfather could ever wish for.  Every few minutes the younger six year old would come over to me to hug me and give me a kiss.  The older one is always all  over her little sister who is eight years younger. Everything I do for them elicits a thank you and other loving words of gratitude.  It makes me so proud of my daughter, their mom and my son in law as well.  Both do their best and are hands on parents.  Both have taught their children how to be the kind children that they are.  These four days have been so enjoyable for me and what I understand is how fortunate I am despite the trials in my life.  Having these children in my life is the most wonderful gift I could have ever aske...

If you have been reading my blog you will know that recently I unfriended somone and for very good reason.  For about the last five or more years this person who will remain nameless spent hours and hours on social media advertising his every move.  If he went to the toilet he would post it.  Unfortunately I made a joke about his tendency to like all things Tiki, often times posting pictures where he appeared to be drunk and often times he would stick his tongue out as if to imitate a lizard of sorts but not as attractive.  I admit that there were times when I would call and leaves a message and for months I would not hear back from him, yet the entire time he was always on social media when I would check, posting one thing after another.  He also had a tendency to be very critical of gay men which I found a little self-loathing since he was gay.  Apparently he seemed to be in the business of buying and selling property in California and would also post a b...

There are a number of ways one can look at life.  For some life is a rehearsal and there is some truth to that.  In life sometimes we have to try the same thing over and over until we get it right.  In this manner life is like a rehearsal indeed.  We are often times made to feel poorly because we could not do something after one attempt.  In schools this is often times the message we get when we get the wrong answer and someone else gets the right one, yet the truth is that it is unrealistic to expect any person to get it right immediately.  It makes sense that we need to practice and that practicing is what makes us skilled at something.  Life really is a rehearsal. I am likely not alone in feeling the pressure of getting it right the first time.  Early in my life I became a perfectionist because I just wanted to do it right the first time and it I didn't I would strive to do it much better.  I wish I could say that my motivation was posit...

Inevitably addicts don't usually select other addicts to hold have a relationship with.  It makes complete sense that people who are addicts are on a search to find people who are not addicts and who are responsible people.  They want someone in their life who will fix them or who they can latch onto either emotionally or financially or both.  Active addicts find themselves in the position of needing to manipulate others to get what they need and are not always intentional.  The addict is in a compromising position and feel that they need to manipulate in order to survive and have learned this behavior from another addict like their dad or mom.  Unfortunately when addiction to any drug is modeled for a child the chances are high that this child will become an addictive adult.  Of all the addictions it is likely alcohol that is the drug of choice.  It is accessible and it is also socially acceptable.  One need only attend a frat party to determine ...

In the last few years we have often heard this reference to "haters".  These are people who are jealous of others for being what they perceive as successful or self-loving.  They are the people who are triggered by any little thing someone says or does on behalf of themselves or s demonstration of some talent.  Even people who just take pride in themselves and are talented and own it are targets of "haters".  I love the saying: Don't hate, appreciate" because there is a lot of truth in it.  If we could only appreciate others for their talents or their differences this world would be a better place.  If we could only understand that what makes us different is something to celebrate rather than to fear and hate.  If we could only be lovers and not haters.  Yet there are many people, maybe more than not, that are haters. As long as their are humans there will be jealousy and hatred.  The good news is that there will also be love and acceptance...

Today I witnessed a mother who visited her son's killer in jail.  Although for most of us this would seem odd I find it an act that makes complete sense.  It is likely that this act of forgiving would be one any of us would have a lot of trouble doing, for her it was a healing event.  What she learned and what we can all learn is that murderers are not all monsters who need to rot in jail forever.  In fact murderers are sometimes people who have never before done any thing wrong or unlawful.  In this case it was a young man who without thinking and out of desperation killed this mother's child.  Her goal was to show the man who murdered her son some pictures of her son.  She wanted him to feel a sense of remorse because when the incident occur ed he laughed in the courtroom where the case was heard and where he was sentenced.  Still this mother wanted to find a way to deal with her grief and she understood that this act of forgiving would hel...

It seems that porn is more accessible than ever and that even a child can find it.  Although I am no choir boy I think that it has gotten to the point where it has become so common as to make us believe that there is truly nothing sacred, even physical intimacy.  As a result we are seeing the breakdown of relationships, at times ending them because one person becomes addicted to porn and no longer is actively participating in intimacy with the person who loves them.  Porn appears harmless and of course the producers of porn who are making millions would like us to believe it harmless, but deep inside we all know that is it not.  IT has been a form of destruction in relationships and it has often replace pure, honest and private intimacy, the way it was mean to  be.  The fact that people are talking about porn as if it were something good does not make it good.  In my opinion we should be asking why we are more drawn to porn, watching others have sex th...

In the series that Oprah produced this is the question that is asked.  Yet for many of us including the person I lived with for years, do not believe in anything and are driven just by their ego and the belief that they are their own savior and even the savior of others.  In fact some of us have such large egos that we miss the very simple aspect of life that is based on our deepest self, our spirit.  But without the basic understanding that we are spiritual human beings living a spiritual experience and life we will not find the level of faith that is needed for us to feel healed, connected and truly whole.  We will continue to experience a sense of incompleteness that will not change until we believe. We have repeatedly heard stories of people who believe they have been healed because of their belief, their faith in something bigger and more powerful than themselves.  These stories have included people who have experienced death and returned and others who w...

I understand that not everyone believes in the power of the mind.  I also understand that some of you reading this blog will think this concept of believing you can one that is most believable.  Yet we have heard from many great leaders and inventors that what made them great was the mere fact that they believed it.  They believed over any difficult situation that they would overcome it and that they would come out a winner. Those of us who are fortunate are raised by parents who teach us how to believe and to be confident about our skills.  Many boys and girls have not had the good fortune to have parents who believe in them.  In fact there are those parents who believe that the reality for their children is that they are doomed and that to believe in anything that was not looking right at them was silly.  Believing for any child is really more about being nurtured and feel as though they are worthy. For a time in my life the ideas that I shared about ...

Today a good friend whom I love revealed to me that he has decided that he is "transgender".  I was surprised but not and I could only think that he was still not transformed into a female at all.  What I learned in the conversation with him was that in his heart he was always transgender and that it mattered very little that he has not started the procedure, whatever that looks like.  What he was saying was that he is already a woman and that all that needs to happen is that he transform into a female in a physical sense.  I was so proud of him and shared that pride with him, knowing fully that this was my only role in this situation, to support and love him through it.  I then shared that I would be here if he needed me any time of the day or night.  I vowed in that moment that not only would I assist him in transforming I would also transform into the fullness of the person I am.  Although I am not interested in becoming a female I am interested in ...

So many times our family events lack a little something.  We start with a bang, we eat great food and then we sit and watch TV and some of us may even opt to take a nap.  Well your next family get together can be a little more exciting and this holiday season you can plan some fun activities.  Here are some of my ideas: Heart Activity: Cut large hearts with construction paper or pretty stationary sheets.  Place the names of all the family members inside a container.  Have each person pick a name.  Once everyone has selected a name give them a few minutes to write a heart felt expression to that person.  Lastly give everyone the option to read it to the other person or for the person receiving it to read it.  This is a heart exercise so it may be emotional but It can also be fun and light hearted if you instruct them to add that element. Head Up: My daughter hosted Thanksgiving and we played this fun game.  It was made famous by Ellen on...

I have been married both to a woman and a man for about the same amount of time: ten years.  What stands out for me is that I love the yin yang that is a part of being with the opposite sex.  Where I was hard or rustic my wife was soft and refined.  There were many times when instead of confrontation (the experience I had with men I had been with) she was collaborative.  There was always an intention to be helpful and giving and it showed every day of the week in her actions and in her verbal loving supportive thoughts, which was rarely the case with the various males I experienced.  Although it was a famous man, television host and author on how women think, Steve Harvey was in fact the person who made the statement "You can't outgive a woman.  His research about women has been one of the most respected and his book has been on the best seller list and for good reason. If you watch his talk show Steve is on a mission to get men to understand how women feel...

I know what you are all thinking.  You may be thinking I am going to write a blog about the color purple and the beautiful ways one can utilize it.  I happen to be a big fan of the color and think it to be one of the most striking of colors to wear.  For me it denotes royalty and it looks so very rich when it is deep and dark purple.  I love it.  But this blog is not about the color but rather the movie "The Color Purple".  If you have not seen this movie I only want to say that the film is a work of art.  It has been for me one of the most touching, powerful and empowering films I have ever seen.  I cried, I laughter, I clapped, I jumped up and down and I was stunned.  The scenery, the angles, the clothing, the subject matter, the dialog and the emotion was impeccable.  Every actor was beyond talented and every actor made you feel something for her or him, even the one who goes from vicious villain to savior.  Every time I see the ...

I remember as many do when Oprah announced her retirement and like others I was uncertain but truly fearful of her simply going away and living her life, hence taking from all of us a brand of learning and spiritual lessons that we would never ever see again.  That frightened me to death and when she announced her new venture I for one was comforted and very happy.  Before that announcement I was a fan but not a huge fan of hers.  Now I adore her and understand just how important her work is to mankind.  Oprah has in fact made the world a better place by her exisitance and the path she has created for all of us who would not have known of it had it not been for her.  Oprah is a magical human being and perhaps like many others I now see the value of this kind of thought and this kind of gift to the world. Oprah and I are the same age and the reason I know this is because I attended one of her birthday parties.  But before I share anything else I would like...

Sometime in our lives we need to say hell no.  IN fact there will likely be many times that we will need to say Hell No!  Hell no means that we will not accept fear, intimidation, cruelty, abuse or anything that is not based in love.  Every time something comes up for us that we need to release we simply say to our self, hell no.  These are two powerful words that send the message to ourselves and others that we will no longer settle or accept things that are not for us or situations that cause us to be afraid or threatened in any way.  Saying the words "hell no" silently or out loud are an immediate response to anything that does not serve us or that is not based in complete love and compassion. When we are in fear we can say hell no and move through the fear into courage. When we are angry we can shout out hell no.  We are saying to ourselves that this is not an option any longer and that anger will not creep in today, Now/. When we feel fear we can...

It seems that the one thing I have learned is that life is a journey and that the journey is life long, as long as we are alive.  We never stop learning nor do we ever stop having the journey.  The good news is that when we work at our life and do the work we need to do, we can manage everything with ease, even in those times when we fall to our knees.  There are reasons why we feel sad, happy, resentful, fearful or angry.  For me anger has been the emotion of choice, much like marijuana is a drug of choice for others who would rather conceal their feelings, escape or simply feel relief (and there is nothing wrong with this if it works for you).  Anger seems to me to be a feeling that we can easily experience daily because in some way or another something or someone will "piss us off" as people say.  This is a raw feeling and there are so many reasons to be angry that they seem endless.  We become angry because: someone says something inappropriate or ...

We all know what abuse looks like and feels like but many of us are unaware of the subtle abusive behaviors that happen over time.  Here are some ways that sneaky people use to put others down and control them.  You may be in an abusive  situation and it is likely time to speak up or walk out of it with some of your dignity and your self-esteem.  Here is a list of ten more subtle signs of abuse: 1. It's rarely about what you want:  An abusive person makes your needs last and his or her needs first almost all the time.  This is a person who makes sure to get what they want at any cost, even your emotional health.  In most cases they know what they are doing and are unwilling to make you first some of the time.  Their need for control is off the charts and your needs mean very little to them.  You go where they want and do what they enjoy and what they want most.  It is all about them. 2. You are not supported and protected:  An...

It was only after many years of being in a relationship with someone who withheld love at every turn and for every time he did not get his way that I realized what it was like to be in relationship and very lonely.  That feeling of loneliness was much worse than being lonely and being alone because it feels like a horrible form of rejection from someone who professes to love you.  Some of you know what it is like to live with someone who is emotionally abusive, emotionally absent or who withhold love depending on whether you behave the way they think you should.  The good news is that whether or not you stay in this type of relationship (absent of unconditional love) you can begin to realize a life that will be full and filled with joy and less loneliness, at least being lonely less of the time.  Here's how: Have a plan, make plans:  Whether you are single or married make your own plans with your own friends and your own interests. Do not depend on what a par...

I hope that no one out there reading this feels like I am a Grinch, the one who robbed Christmas, but I am perplexed as to why there is so much emphasis on gift giving during the holiday season.  There is so much more to the holidays than maxing out our credit cards to impress our own children.  I want to be the person to advocate for some other focus like: 1. Agree to get one gift for your children: Ask your children to select one gift and buy just one gift for each of them.  Make Chirstmas a time of giving for them by asking them to buy a gift (you provide the funds) to donate to a local charity.  Spend more of the time discussing the meaning of Christmas and what it means to them. 2. Donate some of what you would spend to a charity and ask others to give to a charity rather than gift you with a store bought gift: I admit that this idea came to me out of complete frustration at the emphasis of a particular family that made it a point to have everyone mak...

"What does not make you bitter will make you better".  I am unsure of the person's name who shared this statement on Oprah's Super Soul Sessions.  He is a man of color and has been a life coach to some some well known celebrities.  Like many of my blogs I am motivated by this man who shared something of value and is again my launching pad for another blog. I understand that there are people in the world, like me, that have collected a series of experience in life that would be good reasons to be bitter.  I also understand that we are human and that some of the time we allow others to get to us and we allow some of them to literally abuse us.  After such experiences we may have a good case for being bitter and going as far as treating others in the negative and disrespectful way they treated us.  No matter what we experience in life there is a person who overcomes it and becomes better after some painful and incredibly hard situations. I think that if a ...

Nothing spells misery more than living with a person who is a dream killer.  This is a man or woman who does not support our dreams, makes no effort to encourage us in our goals or literally goes out of their way to kill our dreams.  Dream killers are most times people who are self-serving and think mostly about themselves.  They are not givers they are takers and the thing they give the most is their "profound" opinion, letting us know why our dreams will fail.  The dream killer can be a silent killer in that they say nothing about the things that excite us.  We can go on and on about what we would like to accomplish and they will remain silent, almost as if they did not hear us.  Dream killers are selfish and self-serving and have often been reared by a parent who is just like them, a self-centered, self-serving and selfish person.  Most of all dream killers believe that nothing is more important and no dream is more valid than theirs. If we must l...

Often times we find ourselves being challenged and feelings of darkness and despair edge their way into our mind, body and soul.  There are even times when for good reason we are feeling down whether it be a split or the loss of a person we love.  Nothing can completely shield us from the dark times because frankly life has its darkness and light both.  We are a vessel for light and darkness and the only thing we can do is to create the best balance in our life as we possibly can. We can experience light again by:  1. Counteract the darkness with light.  I call it applying love and light to the darkness by doing the very things that bring us light.  If you lose a loved one making an effort to see the light of that person and even focusing on the fun times will counter the darkness you are feeling.  Share the funny moments with another family member by saying: "Remember the time that Rafael ....".  Making light of the person's life will help y...

It is no secret that many people, especially women, stay in a relationship out of some form of survival.  It is not uncommon for people to share that they cannot leave someone who is abusive because they need them financially or they believe they will be doomed without that person.  Whatever the reason people stay in bad situations Love (giving and receiving love) should be the only reason we stay in a relationship.  Yet survival is one of the primary reasons we stay in a bad relationship that we know is not loving, kind or connected.   Some of the survival related reasons we stay in a bad relationship are:  Finances : When we cannot or feel we cannot financially afford to live on our own we stay in horrible situations with people who treat us poorly or who are indifferent.  In some cases our fears are valid in that we may have sacrificed our career to be a stay at home parent.  We have very little work experience and we will likely not qualify f...

When I review what I know I realize I don't know much.  For this very reason when others ask me what I know I respond with "I don't know anything".  When I am in a state of frustration and looking for answers there are those times when I understand that I don't know and that trying so hard to know is more frustrating than admitting that I don't have the answer.  It is when I admit to the fact that I do not know something I free myself from the notion that I need to know.  I surrender to the process when I don't know something and simply ride the wave.  I know that there will be many things I don't know and that not knowing is a part of the lessons in life.  It is for me a time of releasing and when I release I feel like things will unfold in a way that is natural and right for me. We all know people who seem to know it all.  In fact we call them know it alls.  These folks will literally make up stories about what they have no clue about.  T...