Silent Forms of Abuse
We all know what abuse looks like and feels like but many of us are unaware of the subtle abusive behaviors that happen over time. Here are some ways that sneaky people use to put others down and control them. You may be in an abusive situation and it is likely time to speak up or walk out of it with some of your dignity and your self-esteem. Here is a list of ten more subtle signs of abuse:
1. It's rarely about what you want:
An abusive person makes your needs last and his or her needs first almost all the time. This is a person who makes sure to get what they want at any cost, even your emotional health. In most cases they know what they are doing and are unwilling to make you first some of the time. Their need for control is off the charts and your needs mean very little to them. You go where they want and do what they enjoy and what they want most. It is all about them.
2. You are not supported and protected:
An abusive person enjoys you feeling vulnerable and do not support you or protect you from whatever is going on with you that is difficult, challenging or painful. They also allow the people in their camp abuse you by disrespecting you. They are cowardly and won't stand up to anyone in service of protecting you whether you are wrong or right, in fact often making you wrong.
3. You are accused of being this or that:
Abusers love to tell us who we are. They will categorize you as a victim, a complainer, a negative Nelly and many other things. They point the finger at you often and make sure that you know that they know you better than you know yourself. After a while it is very emotionally burdensome and we begin to believe what they think of us.
4. There is an underlying competition:
Abusive people compete rather than to collectively do things with you. Every situation becomes a competition and about who will win. Whether is it housework or other responsibilities they can justify not being cooperative by turning it into a competition or about who is wrong and who is right. Competition has not place in a relationship and should rarely be the mode of operation.
5. Name calling:
Even in jest no one should be name calling you or calling you something other than your name. Often times nick names are an indirect way to insult you by labeling you a drama queen or a Debbie downer or ""chocolate" (a reference to being dark skinned). Name calling is an indirect way to put you down and make you understand that the person making the statements is better than you are and that your personal name and space is not important to him or her. Name calling is not acceptable under any circumstances.
6. Disrespect for what is your property:
A spouse or partner who is an abuser has no respect for what is yours often times mistreating it or using your things without your consent. They believe that your property is their property and go so far as to break things that are yours because they don't value the time you took to select it for yourself. They do this to demonstrate that they don't think much of you or what you value. It is a clear message if we listen carefully and observe the acts of disrespect.
7. Insults couched in jokes:
Like any other form of abuse insults couched in jokes are another indirect way for the abuser to feel as though they have the upper hand. By insulting you and saying that it was a joke they believe they are not doing anything wrong or at least can make themselves believe it. Insults of any type, even the ones spoken in jest and couched as a joke are not OK. They would be put to a stop immediately.
8. Rare and strange requests:
When your husband or wife or lover asks you do do something that you feel is strange or rare that is a very good sign of abuse. Many women know this firsthand when their husbands ask them to act out a role like a whore or to bring another woman into their sexual life. Unusual requests like these are really abusive acts. No one who loves you should set you up like this.
9. Repeated threats of abandonment:
Professional abusers will walk out and stay away for a while as a sign of rejection. They do this to others to squire control and many times it works. The fear of being left is valid for many of us who have had that experience before and who take it to heart. Abusers use this form of abuse to gain control and it should be noted that they are likely out doing something to get back at you like having sex with someone else.
Learn to identify subtle abuse because above all else it is this type of abuse that is hard to identify and difficulty to eventually overcome. If you see these kinds of abuse in your relationship it may be time to consider a life on your own. Having the courage to stand up for ourselves is likely the most valuable thing we will ever do.
1. It's rarely about what you want:
An abusive person makes your needs last and his or her needs first almost all the time. This is a person who makes sure to get what they want at any cost, even your emotional health. In most cases they know what they are doing and are unwilling to make you first some of the time. Their need for control is off the charts and your needs mean very little to them. You go where they want and do what they enjoy and what they want most. It is all about them.
2. You are not supported and protected:
An abusive person enjoys you feeling vulnerable and do not support you or protect you from whatever is going on with you that is difficult, challenging or painful. They also allow the people in their camp abuse you by disrespecting you. They are cowardly and won't stand up to anyone in service of protecting you whether you are wrong or right, in fact often making you wrong.
3. You are accused of being this or that:
Abusers love to tell us who we are. They will categorize you as a victim, a complainer, a negative Nelly and many other things. They point the finger at you often and make sure that you know that they know you better than you know yourself. After a while it is very emotionally burdensome and we begin to believe what they think of us.
4. There is an underlying competition:
Abusive people compete rather than to collectively do things with you. Every situation becomes a competition and about who will win. Whether is it housework or other responsibilities they can justify not being cooperative by turning it into a competition or about who is wrong and who is right. Competition has not place in a relationship and should rarely be the mode of operation.
5. Name calling:
Even in jest no one should be name calling you or calling you something other than your name. Often times nick names are an indirect way to insult you by labeling you a drama queen or a Debbie downer or ""chocolate" (a reference to being dark skinned). Name calling is an indirect way to put you down and make you understand that the person making the statements is better than you are and that your personal name and space is not important to him or her. Name calling is not acceptable under any circumstances.
6. Disrespect for what is your property:
A spouse or partner who is an abuser has no respect for what is yours often times mistreating it or using your things without your consent. They believe that your property is their property and go so far as to break things that are yours because they don't value the time you took to select it for yourself. They do this to demonstrate that they don't think much of you or what you value. It is a clear message if we listen carefully and observe the acts of disrespect.
7. Insults couched in jokes:
Like any other form of abuse insults couched in jokes are another indirect way for the abuser to feel as though they have the upper hand. By insulting you and saying that it was a joke they believe they are not doing anything wrong or at least can make themselves believe it. Insults of any type, even the ones spoken in jest and couched as a joke are not OK. They would be put to a stop immediately.
8. Rare and strange requests:
When your husband or wife or lover asks you do do something that you feel is strange or rare that is a very good sign of abuse. Many women know this firsthand when their husbands ask them to act out a role like a whore or to bring another woman into their sexual life. Unusual requests like these are really abusive acts. No one who loves you should set you up like this.
9. Repeated threats of abandonment:
Professional abusers will walk out and stay away for a while as a sign of rejection. They do this to others to squire control and many times it works. The fear of being left is valid for many of us who have had that experience before and who take it to heart. Abusers use this form of abuse to gain control and it should be noted that they are likely out doing something to get back at you like having sex with someone else.
Learn to identify subtle abuse because above all else it is this type of abuse that is hard to identify and difficulty to eventually overcome. If you see these kinds of abuse in your relationship it may be time to consider a life on your own. Having the courage to stand up for ourselves is likely the most valuable thing we will ever do.
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