4 Signs that It's Over
We all know the signs when things are going poorly in a relationship or we all should. More than anything I would like to share that like me many of us ignore the signs. First the yellow flag, then the red flag and then the flag that suddenly stops waving. We go from one sign the next each time ignoring the inevitable. We can't.
The signs of an end of a relationship are may but there are some key ones:
The relationship is sexless or without intimacy:
It is bad enough there may not be any sex in the relationship but much more importantly there is no intimacy. We all know that sex fades and that as we age it may diminish completely but intimacy should never be completely gone from any loving realtionship. A friend of mine has a great relationship with her partner of many years. From the start there was little to no sex involved in the relationship for a variety of reasons. Today they remain in a loving relationship where they both agree that there does not need to be any sexual contact but there is still intimacy. Intimacy is when we hold, cuddle, kiss, hug and touch in ways that we would not touch just any person. Intimacy is everything that is not physical sex that is connected and loving with another person. If there is no intimacy at all then the relationship as one would define relationship is over.
Your being bullied, controlled or abused in any way:
Subtle abuse is many times the things that get passed over for not just a little while but for many years. Controlling behavior is the most subtle. The person you are with gets their way most of the time by being manipulative and not participating in things that you like to do. This forces you to do what they like to do when they want to do it. Control is the precursor to bullying and abuse. Giving someone the power to dictate what you should or should not be doing is self abusive and can only lead to worse things. Controlling where and what you do as a couple is a form of bullying. After a while it gets to the point where the person you are with gets more overt about mistreating you and will then begin to bully you. Bullying can be as simple as criticizing you or threatning to leave you. After a longer period of time this changes to verbal abuse like saying F You to you. Unfortunately some of us know that pattern but the truth is that we simply ignore it. When you are being abused or controlled in any way it is a clear sign that it is over.
Communication Stops:
It is so obvious that if you stop talking then it is a sign that the relationship is in deep trouble but many of us don't think about the things we don't talk about. Real communication is about being able to talk about everything and when communication is censored then we need to know things are not going well and that the relationship is likely beginning to end or it will end. Communication is the glue that maintains a loving and real relationship: communication about everything, anything.
You Dislike Him Or Her:
It seems impossible that someone you are with turns into someone you don't like. Day by day things happen in the relationship what make you dislike his or her actions or way of being. He or she is mean, intrusive, critical or otherwise someone you no longer like. My grandmother use to say that the person became repulsive somewhat like a germ or something we find unpleasant. A fiend would tell me that she first knew she disliked her husband when she stopped laughing at his jokes and stopped sleeping in the same bed and also stopped attending his family parties with his repulsive relatives who made off colored comments all the time. We know it's over when not only do we not like te person we are with, we dislike their mannerisms and their family dynamic.
I like a friend of mine who gives relationships about a few months or so, does not move in or allow the person to move in and figures out NO that is not the person she wants to be with. If all of us could learn to test drive a relationship there would be a lot less divorces. If each of us could just see the signs of a bad relationship we could avoid some un-necessary evil. Yet in love one never knows.
The signs of an end of a relationship are may but there are some key ones:
The relationship is sexless or without intimacy:
It is bad enough there may not be any sex in the relationship but much more importantly there is no intimacy. We all know that sex fades and that as we age it may diminish completely but intimacy should never be completely gone from any loving realtionship. A friend of mine has a great relationship with her partner of many years. From the start there was little to no sex involved in the relationship for a variety of reasons. Today they remain in a loving relationship where they both agree that there does not need to be any sexual contact but there is still intimacy. Intimacy is when we hold, cuddle, kiss, hug and touch in ways that we would not touch just any person. Intimacy is everything that is not physical sex that is connected and loving with another person. If there is no intimacy at all then the relationship as one would define relationship is over.
Your being bullied, controlled or abused in any way:
Subtle abuse is many times the things that get passed over for not just a little while but for many years. Controlling behavior is the most subtle. The person you are with gets their way most of the time by being manipulative and not participating in things that you like to do. This forces you to do what they like to do when they want to do it. Control is the precursor to bullying and abuse. Giving someone the power to dictate what you should or should not be doing is self abusive and can only lead to worse things. Controlling where and what you do as a couple is a form of bullying. After a while it gets to the point where the person you are with gets more overt about mistreating you and will then begin to bully you. Bullying can be as simple as criticizing you or threatning to leave you. After a longer period of time this changes to verbal abuse like saying F You to you. Unfortunately some of us know that pattern but the truth is that we simply ignore it. When you are being abused or controlled in any way it is a clear sign that it is over.
Communication Stops:
It is so obvious that if you stop talking then it is a sign that the relationship is in deep trouble but many of us don't think about the things we don't talk about. Real communication is about being able to talk about everything and when communication is censored then we need to know things are not going well and that the relationship is likely beginning to end or it will end. Communication is the glue that maintains a loving and real relationship: communication about everything, anything.
You Dislike Him Or Her:
It seems impossible that someone you are with turns into someone you don't like. Day by day things happen in the relationship what make you dislike his or her actions or way of being. He or she is mean, intrusive, critical or otherwise someone you no longer like. My grandmother use to say that the person became repulsive somewhat like a germ or something we find unpleasant. A fiend would tell me that she first knew she disliked her husband when she stopped laughing at his jokes and stopped sleeping in the same bed and also stopped attending his family parties with his repulsive relatives who made off colored comments all the time. We know it's over when not only do we not like te person we are with, we dislike their mannerisms and their family dynamic.
I like a friend of mine who gives relationships about a few months or so, does not move in or allow the person to move in and figures out NO that is not the person she wants to be with. If all of us could learn to test drive a relationship there would be a lot less divorces. If each of us could just see the signs of a bad relationship we could avoid some un-necessary evil. Yet in love one never knows.
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