My Spiritual Path 2
Radiation:
The last radiation was completed and the nurse asked me if I would like to take a picture ringing the gong as was a tradition. No one could have prepared me for the pain and burning and some bleeding in the next two to three weeks. The Post radiation treatment was the worse part of it. I was floored by the pain. I was on my knees crying and some of it was witnessed by my daughter Camille. I was not given enough information about what was going to happen, even though I was asked if I had questions. I frankly did not know, not a clue of what to ask or expect. My pain level was such that I even wrote some texts to a person that were strange to put it nicely. The drugs were the culprit to my expressing some inner anger I'd never thought I had inside of me. The entire experience was one I would not wish on my worse enemy those few weeks. As I came to my knees my youngest daughter witnessed me. She is a woman of God as they say and believes. She even shared that I did not have to stay on this earth and that if it came to that I had here permission to transition if it came to that. My spirit simply took a beating and yet I must say that it was also coming forward and asking to be loved. I did all that I could and do all that I can to keep the faith and to keep my spirits up. I completely was forced to look at my level of spiritual belief and my level of self love. My heart was hurting and my spirit was extremely injured. I think that the experience of radiation and the aftermath was one that I will never forget and that will have been the highest lesson I have learned.
Abandonment:
Once my spouse decided to leave first emotionally and then physically it unveiled another phase of my spiritual healing. It was difficult to be abandoned in a time of need however in the end as I have shared with others: "You intended to do me harm but god intended it all for good". Today I see how this cruelty led me to my highest self. It led me closer to my spiritual path and it led me to understand that he was not my healer nor was he willing to love me through the pain of healing. In fact the cruelty made me angry enough to want him to leave and now I feel like spirit has taken his place. I was losing my spiritual faith and placing my needs into a person who was not capable of loving or nurturing me. Someone I'd loved and honored and served for ten years. Spirit responds to crisis and our spiritual person grows when we are challenged. Spirit grows when we are injured and we are bullied and when we are feeling the intention of harm. We either step up to God or we perish. If we decide to step into God we step into our heart and our spirit. There is nothing like crisis to get us to love ourselves more. There is nothing better than to see that spirit is more important than any human person in our life, especially a spouse.
I Found My Spirit:
Through prayer, meditation, intention and play I retrieved some of what was taken from me or I allowed to be taken: My Spirit. I found my spirit because I decided to set that intention. I wrote an Action Plan that involved every aspect of my person: Physical, Spiritual, Emotional, Creative and Financial. I also made a vision board with all my dreams on it including helping my daughter open a business. I also expressed that I will always have a home that is beautiful and clean. I included things that I want to do like visit India and become more of my spiritual being. Finding my spirit took a lot. It included a lot of suffering and still has dark moments when I think myself unworthy or less than. I still struggle with a person in my life who I deem a bully but who God has placed in front of me to understand I am empowered and he cannot hurt me.
The Long Journey:
The journey has been one of over ten years. In 2008 was when I graduated from USM in Spiritual Psychology. During this years I have been reading spiritual text by people like: Don Miguel Ruiz, Marrianne Williamson, Sonia Choquette, Ekhart Tolle and Iyanla Vanzant to name a few. During this time I have found three or four places of worship and belong to a great congregation. The spiritual path that I have been on has been dark and light but the dark parts are the ones that I needed to have in order to see the light. I am not ashamed of any of it. Now there is a plan to go to India and to have that deep spiritual time in an ashram in part and to teach in a school or be of service in any way possible. I am volunteering in a homeless shelter and I am ready to let go of my ego and learn the ways of India, documenting it with photos. My life is fuller in many ways since my light and dark experiences and the cancer especially. I want to live because I know everything I do and say matters. And so I say recall your spirit and call it forward with clarity and knowing that you are going to be healed.
Elliott Collazo Gonzalez
The last radiation was completed and the nurse asked me if I would like to take a picture ringing the gong as was a tradition. No one could have prepared me for the pain and burning and some bleeding in the next two to three weeks. The Post radiation treatment was the worse part of it. I was floored by the pain. I was on my knees crying and some of it was witnessed by my daughter Camille. I was not given enough information about what was going to happen, even though I was asked if I had questions. I frankly did not know, not a clue of what to ask or expect. My pain level was such that I even wrote some texts to a person that were strange to put it nicely. The drugs were the culprit to my expressing some inner anger I'd never thought I had inside of me. The entire experience was one I would not wish on my worse enemy those few weeks. As I came to my knees my youngest daughter witnessed me. She is a woman of God as they say and believes. She even shared that I did not have to stay on this earth and that if it came to that I had here permission to transition if it came to that. My spirit simply took a beating and yet I must say that it was also coming forward and asking to be loved. I did all that I could and do all that I can to keep the faith and to keep my spirits up. I completely was forced to look at my level of spiritual belief and my level of self love. My heart was hurting and my spirit was extremely injured. I think that the experience of radiation and the aftermath was one that I will never forget and that will have been the highest lesson I have learned.
Abandonment:
Once my spouse decided to leave first emotionally and then physically it unveiled another phase of my spiritual healing. It was difficult to be abandoned in a time of need however in the end as I have shared with others: "You intended to do me harm but god intended it all for good". Today I see how this cruelty led me to my highest self. It led me closer to my spiritual path and it led me to understand that he was not my healer nor was he willing to love me through the pain of healing. In fact the cruelty made me angry enough to want him to leave and now I feel like spirit has taken his place. I was losing my spiritual faith and placing my needs into a person who was not capable of loving or nurturing me. Someone I'd loved and honored and served for ten years. Spirit responds to crisis and our spiritual person grows when we are challenged. Spirit grows when we are injured and we are bullied and when we are feeling the intention of harm. We either step up to God or we perish. If we decide to step into God we step into our heart and our spirit. There is nothing like crisis to get us to love ourselves more. There is nothing better than to see that spirit is more important than any human person in our life, especially a spouse.
I Found My Spirit:
Through prayer, meditation, intention and play I retrieved some of what was taken from me or I allowed to be taken: My Spirit. I found my spirit because I decided to set that intention. I wrote an Action Plan that involved every aspect of my person: Physical, Spiritual, Emotional, Creative and Financial. I also made a vision board with all my dreams on it including helping my daughter open a business. I also expressed that I will always have a home that is beautiful and clean. I included things that I want to do like visit India and become more of my spiritual being. Finding my spirit took a lot. It included a lot of suffering and still has dark moments when I think myself unworthy or less than. I still struggle with a person in my life who I deem a bully but who God has placed in front of me to understand I am empowered and he cannot hurt me.
The Long Journey:
The journey has been one of over ten years. In 2008 was when I graduated from USM in Spiritual Psychology. During this years I have been reading spiritual text by people like: Don Miguel Ruiz, Marrianne Williamson, Sonia Choquette, Ekhart Tolle and Iyanla Vanzant to name a few. During this time I have found three or four places of worship and belong to a great congregation. The spiritual path that I have been on has been dark and light but the dark parts are the ones that I needed to have in order to see the light. I am not ashamed of any of it. Now there is a plan to go to India and to have that deep spiritual time in an ashram in part and to teach in a school or be of service in any way possible. I am volunteering in a homeless shelter and I am ready to let go of my ego and learn the ways of India, documenting it with photos. My life is fuller in many ways since my light and dark experiences and the cancer especially. I want to live because I know everything I do and say matters. And so I say recall your spirit and call it forward with clarity and knowing that you are going to be healed.
Elliott Collazo Gonzalez
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