Demand and Get Respect
For many years of my adult life in the last thirty years I have been in relationships that have been abusive in one way or the other. I believe that many of us are less aware of the fact that verbal abuse and people simply taking and not giving back is a profound and deep way to abuse ourselves. Even people in our life that take and give little are abusers in my book. These are the ones who live or are married to people who do all the work in the home and where the relationship is inequitable. Being with a person who is a taker is similar to being abused verbally without the words. The taker has you doing all the dirty work and does so little that they might as well not be there. They sometimes expect you to pick up their undies off the floor and their towel that they throw in a bundle on the floor in the bathroom. When we allow this kind of taking and so little giving we become resentful instead of demanding respect and staying the issue to the taker. We demand respect when instead of picking up the undies off the floor we tell the person that they need to do it themselves. Instead of doing all the housework yourself and losing respect speak up and demand that your partner do some of the work. In fact if it does not happen, stop doing housework completely for a period of time: Go on strike!
When we do most of the work in a relationship and home we make our partners believe that this is the way it is suppose to be, especially the ones where their mommies did all the work in the home and picked up their undies, washed them and then folded them and put them in their dresser. These are people who grew up thinking that their undies jumped into the hamper by themselves, then washed themselves and ended up back in their dresser by miracle. Oddly enough the mothers who do this kind of slave work for their children are also bad mother in laws and will degrade you if you lodge a complaint about their little momma's boy. They find this to be a minor offense and feel like you should feel lucky to be in a relationship with their wonderful child. The same child that is now a man who has no life skills. Whatever mommy thinks does not matter and you need to ignore it and demand that their little boy do their part and cut the BS and excuses. There is nothing worse than an inequitable relationship. Nothing. Staying in it and not saying anything demeans us and loses our respect.
The subtle abuse that I refer to as covert abuse is not always evident. The abuser does little things like not carrying their weight and other things like making fun of you for having feelings around it. Verbal abuse can be very connotative and does not have to be very specific and overt. My X and his family couched comments in joke and would say things like "are those Puertorican shoes"? and referred to African Americans as Hawkwees. I had never heard the word before and could not have made this up. Most of the time being around them was like walking on eggshells wondering what other nasty comment they would make or indirect insult or racially motivated comment. Listening to the abusive comments from your partner or his or her family is disrespecting yourself and there is no reason to continue to listen when your partner does not protect you from it. The best way to get respect is to not expose yourself to it. Stop going to family events and send the clear message that it is not Ok to insult you indirectly or otherwise and insult other cultures or people in front of you. Demand respect by taking yourself out of the line of fire and by loving yourself enoough to say NO to the abuse.
Whatever disrespect you are experiencing from whoever you are getting it from it is best to consider letting go of that relationship. The longer you stay in the relationship that is disrespectful and damages your spirit the longer the effect on you overall. Abuse sticks with us and follows us for a long time. When we say it is ok to allow it we kill parts of us that we will later need to get back and it is harder to do that after tolerating so much of the abuse. The beautiful part of it is that it is possible to take your dignity back by doing the work like counseling, praying and getting in a group with like minded people who have been abused and not respected.
Abuse is when we are not respected and we must insist on being respected. Abuse can be very subtle and we need to be in an awareness about it. Be aware of the fact that every day that you allow yourself to be insulted directly or indirectly is damaging you deeply and that abuse has many different forms. Abusers are insulting people and they find fault in you, your looks, your weight or your race and color. Abusers don't all look like they are abusers and there will be times when people ask themselves later how they did not figure it out earlier. Take an inventory of the way that you behave with others and look closely at the small ways you might be abusing your power as a parent or a partner who is loved by someone.
When we do most of the work in a relationship and home we make our partners believe that this is the way it is suppose to be, especially the ones where their mommies did all the work in the home and picked up their undies, washed them and then folded them and put them in their dresser. These are people who grew up thinking that their undies jumped into the hamper by themselves, then washed themselves and ended up back in their dresser by miracle. Oddly enough the mothers who do this kind of slave work for their children are also bad mother in laws and will degrade you if you lodge a complaint about their little momma's boy. They find this to be a minor offense and feel like you should feel lucky to be in a relationship with their wonderful child. The same child that is now a man who has no life skills. Whatever mommy thinks does not matter and you need to ignore it and demand that their little boy do their part and cut the BS and excuses. There is nothing worse than an inequitable relationship. Nothing. Staying in it and not saying anything demeans us and loses our respect.
The subtle abuse that I refer to as covert abuse is not always evident. The abuser does little things like not carrying their weight and other things like making fun of you for having feelings around it. Verbal abuse can be very connotative and does not have to be very specific and overt. My X and his family couched comments in joke and would say things like "are those Puertorican shoes"? and referred to African Americans as Hawkwees. I had never heard the word before and could not have made this up. Most of the time being around them was like walking on eggshells wondering what other nasty comment they would make or indirect insult or racially motivated comment. Listening to the abusive comments from your partner or his or her family is disrespecting yourself and there is no reason to continue to listen when your partner does not protect you from it. The best way to get respect is to not expose yourself to it. Stop going to family events and send the clear message that it is not Ok to insult you indirectly or otherwise and insult other cultures or people in front of you. Demand respect by taking yourself out of the line of fire and by loving yourself enoough to say NO to the abuse.
Whatever disrespect you are experiencing from whoever you are getting it from it is best to consider letting go of that relationship. The longer you stay in the relationship that is disrespectful and damages your spirit the longer the effect on you overall. Abuse sticks with us and follows us for a long time. When we say it is ok to allow it we kill parts of us that we will later need to get back and it is harder to do that after tolerating so much of the abuse. The beautiful part of it is that it is possible to take your dignity back by doing the work like counseling, praying and getting in a group with like minded people who have been abused and not respected.
Abuse is when we are not respected and we must insist on being respected. Abuse can be very subtle and we need to be in an awareness about it. Be aware of the fact that every day that you allow yourself to be insulted directly or indirectly is damaging you deeply and that abuse has many different forms. Abusers are insulting people and they find fault in you, your looks, your weight or your race and color. Abusers don't all look like they are abusers and there will be times when people ask themselves later how they did not figure it out earlier. Take an inventory of the way that you behave with others and look closely at the small ways you might be abusing your power as a parent or a partner who is loved by someone.
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