I Fixed Me You Can Fix You
As I was sharing with you all yesterday, I finally got some closure around my divorce and although it's not the best of deals in the world I am happy just to know that I will be able to move on to my new and improved life. In fact it has been new and improved ever since this individual walked out of my life. I know that through the pain and the anguish of being left behind topped with chemo and radiation treatments I found Elliott "Maximo" Collazo again, the really beautiful me. It took some rocks thrown at me. It took some crap slung at me. It took some laughter and jokes but as Whoopi said in The Color Purple "I may be ugly, I may even be stupid, but I'm here" as she drove off in a fabulous old car in the rear seat facing the person who abused her for many years, leaving with her husband's lover and her new man. It was poetic because it was through her friendship that she was able to escape the bullying and abuse she'd endured for so long. Nothing could ever describe the feeling one has when you are free of an abusive relationship disquieted as Mr. or Miss Nice Person. OMG, LMAO, what a freaking lie.
So today I woke up as though I did not want to get up. The first thing on my mind was that I would need to see this person at least a couple of times since the house is being sold now. The love bug (kidding, honestly) would like it to be as though nothing happened of any value or of any pain. I believe it and so I took a shower first and put on a pink button down, navy blazer, skinny jeans and a pair of hot Cole Haan shoes in powder blue (wing tips). I proceeded with my day thinking nothing in the world, not even this A Hole is going to mess my day up and I was truly right. From that moment on it was one wonderful experience after the other with every person I came into contact with. It was like Goddess touched me on the forehead with a magical wand and said "this is your day baby". I met two women in business in DT Elgin, I met another person the Patton House who lived in Geneva and chatted about my future as she delighted over my powder blue kicks and we laughed and then I went to talk to a person who is basically a healer, read from The Course In Miracles with my group and topped it with an hour and a half meditation. In the interim I talked to two delightful little girls who just shined with love and the highest loving vibration who just wanted to know me. All day it was like a light was following me and flowers were sprouting in front of me.
I should have prefaced this with the fact that I had an afternoon appointment with my therapist (I have two now) and her question to me was "Do you love yourself?" "I hear you talking about the people who love you and that you love but do you love yourself"? I sobbed like a little boy and when I was finished I was asked to list the things I loved about myself and did so. It felt in that moment as though a veil was lifted off of me and the sunlight came through the window where it was once closed with darkening curtains. I think that was a defining moment. I thought about all the times I wanted to die and all the times I wished myself dead, how much I hated myself for so many reasons, mainly for staying in an unhappy, abusive and ugly relationship with someone I did not like. Someone who took from me what I had fought so hard to get back after years of abuse as a child. Someone who finished me off or almost did. Someone who could not kill me off no matter how much he or she did to bring hate to me. Someone who found someone else to use and abuse that is no longer my business. Someone who won't ever change an whom I tried so hard to fix. I now know that only Elliott can fix one person: Elliott.
So the last tail end of my day was in a donut shop laughing with the server and typing away at my blog. In the corner of the room a family of beautiful Latinos having a good time with their kids. In my ears the music that so special to me. My own special brand of music. The music that I love and was censoring for years. The life that I would have wanted that I did not have doing in every single moment exactly as I pleased without fear of abandonment and being made fun of. Without being called a "cult" or "moaning music" and without someone making fun of people of color at every turn thinking it funny. Without the dragging of that dead like person I was with. Free to breathe clearly and free to love me all I want.
So today I woke up as though I did not want to get up. The first thing on my mind was that I would need to see this person at least a couple of times since the house is being sold now. The love bug (kidding, honestly) would like it to be as though nothing happened of any value or of any pain. I believe it and so I took a shower first and put on a pink button down, navy blazer, skinny jeans and a pair of hot Cole Haan shoes in powder blue (wing tips). I proceeded with my day thinking nothing in the world, not even this A Hole is going to mess my day up and I was truly right. From that moment on it was one wonderful experience after the other with every person I came into contact with. It was like Goddess touched me on the forehead with a magical wand and said "this is your day baby". I met two women in business in DT Elgin, I met another person the Patton House who lived in Geneva and chatted about my future as she delighted over my powder blue kicks and we laughed and then I went to talk to a person who is basically a healer, read from The Course In Miracles with my group and topped it with an hour and a half meditation. In the interim I talked to two delightful little girls who just shined with love and the highest loving vibration who just wanted to know me. All day it was like a light was following me and flowers were sprouting in front of me.
I should have prefaced this with the fact that I had an afternoon appointment with my therapist (I have two now) and her question to me was "Do you love yourself?" "I hear you talking about the people who love you and that you love but do you love yourself"? I sobbed like a little boy and when I was finished I was asked to list the things I loved about myself and did so. It felt in that moment as though a veil was lifted off of me and the sunlight came through the window where it was once closed with darkening curtains. I think that was a defining moment. I thought about all the times I wanted to die and all the times I wished myself dead, how much I hated myself for so many reasons, mainly for staying in an unhappy, abusive and ugly relationship with someone I did not like. Someone who took from me what I had fought so hard to get back after years of abuse as a child. Someone who finished me off or almost did. Someone who could not kill me off no matter how much he or she did to bring hate to me. Someone who found someone else to use and abuse that is no longer my business. Someone who won't ever change an whom I tried so hard to fix. I now know that only Elliott can fix one person: Elliott.
So the last tail end of my day was in a donut shop laughing with the server and typing away at my blog. In the corner of the room a family of beautiful Latinos having a good time with their kids. In my ears the music that so special to me. My own special brand of music. The music that I love and was censoring for years. The life that I would have wanted that I did not have doing in every single moment exactly as I pleased without fear of abandonment and being made fun of. Without being called a "cult" or "moaning music" and without someone making fun of people of color at every turn thinking it funny. Without the dragging of that dead like person I was with. Free to breathe clearly and free to love me all I want.
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