Coach Elliott

A few days ago I was told I would need another operation for two hernias on my abdomen.  To make matters more severe my insurance may be cancelled at the rate that I am paying now to possibly double or more.  I must now work fast at getting a CAT scan of the area and getting the date set for the operation.  The doctor is saying is it serious and all I could think to myself was "isn't every operation serious?"  In my mind I listened and pondered  the question: "Is this bad news?" and what came up for me was that life will hand me as many situations as I need to address and that this was one more.  For me every single one is a test of my faith.  As casual as it might seem I could not allow it to keep me from continuing on my journey that includes moving, financing a home, arranging to pack, arranging a mover and possibly a storage unit topped by a divorce.  Then as life would have it, a good friend is diagnosed with a serious illness. Bad news is ...

The only thing that may be cause for pause in life is that what comes around goes around and life is based on cause and effect.  What we do here on this earth we pay for on earth is how my grandmother use to put it.  Plain and simple we get back what we put out into the universe and if what we put out is unkind then that is what we will get back.  In Buddhism the law of cause and effect tells us that what we do will have an outcome based on what we do.  If we do good it will result in good and if we don't it will cause a bad result.  It is just how life is. I am saddened when I think of how many people in the world don't understand or live by the premise that what they do to others will come to get them later.  I am more saddened at the fact that some do things in this world that are absolutely cruel and upsetting to others peace and serenity.  There are many non-believers, people who don't believe that what they do will eventually have a consequence...

I was chatting with a friend on the phone yesterday and he shared something I have heard from others, he stated: "People I have been with did not get me".  When I asked him to elaborate about what that meant to him he said: Someone who can finish my sentences because they take the time to sense what I am leading to. Someone who cares about my feelings and beliefs. Someone who takes that time to know me more in depth. Someone who is responsive to my needs without me having to tell him all the time. There seems to be a theme around someone else getting us.  I believe that what this really mean is someone who understands and embraces you for who you are.  Someone who takes the time to hear you and get what you are saying as important and valuable.  Someone who "gets you" does not need a lot of explanation about how you feel.  A person who gets us needs little explanation and we are able to meet their needs with ease and grace.  There is not a pulling fa...

So muny times we are in this situation of deciding whether to stay or not stay in a relationship?  Should we go or should we stay?  There are some key questions that we must ask before we jump into ending the relationship. Here are some of them: 1.  Am I over-reacting to the behavior on the part of my partner? 2. Is this really about me and something I need to change in myself? 3. Am I not being felxible enough in this relationship? 4. Is there something I could be doing differently and better? 5. Do I tend to give up easily in relaitonship? 6. Will I take who I am in this relationship, take it with me and create another one just like it? 7. Have I been honest and asked for what I need? 8. What is the trigger or triggers in my relaitonship with this person? Is it from the past? 9. Am I being unreasonable and selfish, not giving in when I should? 10. Will I really be happier without this person in my life?  Can I just live with his or her personality trai...

There are some obvious ways to address anxiety or restlessness and then there are some that are not so obvious.  In this blog tonight I would like to share some sure fire ways to lower your anxiety and get yourself into a peaceful state of mind where you feel relaxed and peaceful.  With that said let's look at the anti-anxiety list: 1. Play with children 2. Dance 3. Turn off the TV/avoid television 4. Listen to soothing music 5. Be silent and write 6. Exercise at a fast pace 7. Ask for intimacy from your partner 8. Consult with your doctor when it is serious or persists 9. Go for a walk in nature 10. Meditate or Pray 11. Talk it out with someone or a counselor 12. Cut out sugar from your diet 13. Take a day off from everything that is stressful: job or at home 14. Take some deep purposeful breaths 15. Take a nap 16. Create or make something with your hands 17. List the reasons you feel anxious or nervous.  Review your list and decide what is valid or not...

I had a person in my life who introduced himself and his family as the "Leave it to Beaver" family.  I recall vividly this sitcom as a child and wishing I was the Beaver and that his mom was my mom.  The only problem with his story was that it was a cover up and a lie.  There was nothing Leave it to Beaver about their life. At five this person was assigned a psychiatrist because his father had caught him playing with dolls with the next door neighbors female child.  At about twenty two years of age he tried to commit suicide.  When I started to observe his relationship with his mother I could see clearly how much control she had over him and what he said and did.  She made it a point to know everything.  When he failed he did nto want her to know he failed and at a mentoring group for couples he stated that the thing he feared most was his mother's opinion.  I could easily see that she was behind the scenes constantly making sure she did not loo...

When we are in our inner child we it can quite  possibly be the best emotional state to be in.  There is likely nothing more joyful than a child who is loved, honored, heard and cared about.  We can retrieve that inner child and gift him or her in many loving ways.  We can buy her a doll or we can make her a dress or we can put crayons in her hand and allow her to express her creative side.  We can honor our inner child by behaving like a child.  Freeing ourselves of the adult stresses will find us in love with life because a child is usually a persona inside of us that is either hurting or in need of something.  Loving that little boy or girl is a healing experience but most of all a joyful way to acknowledge ourselves and letting go of the pain or what we feel is missing. I remember my studies at USM when we were taken on a journey back to our little child inside.  We were told to give that child a gift and feel the joy of receiving that gift....

I must first admit that my mother was not well.  She was emotionally even mentally a wreck much of the time.  She worked but could handle very little else.  Even then she tried to be the best mom she could yet her anger at other things in life made her far from a great mom.  Although I love her I can honesty say that she is still not well and consumes more nicotine than one could even imagine a person doing when they are so sickly to start with.  I love her and yet I can admit she is not the best mom in the world nor would she get a good housekeeping seal.  I am just not in denial. Sam on the other hand is in major denial about his mother.  He paints her to be the most wonerful, tasteful woman who reminds him of Sally Field.  He believes her to be a great cook (not even close) and behaves as if life with her and his dad was perfect.  In the meantime he is constantly talking about others and their defects as well as their "tragic" life. ...

I have I will admit that I have struggled with internalized messages. Those internal messages come from a variety of sources: teachers, dad, but especially my mother who was a bit too verbal if you know what I mean.  The struggle continues until today at the age of 61.  I thank God I actually look younger because it feels to me like I have some extra time to heal from the myths that others placed on me and the ones I allowed others to place on me. The primary source of your negative self talk will become clear to you when you study your childhood or go back to it.  The messages you received then are the ones you are likely still attempting to resolve so that you can feel better about yourself. Every morning that you get up there is a message.  I believe that message to be that you are worthy of living on the premise that you are alive and breathing.  Most of the time we take this for granted but one only needs to see one  person struggling with their br...

It has been some time since Angela Bassats movie "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" but not long enough for anyone to forget and to relate back to.  You hear it all the time how a woman got her groove back after a divorce or breakup or loss of a job.  Some of the very things that the movie depicted are the very things that will help you get your groove back. Here we go: First and foremost get your money together and take a trip anywhere whether by plane, ,boat, train or car.  Get away from "the scene  of the crime" so to speak.  Get out there and just be alone and do your very best to make it fun.  Apple Vacations use to have the most affordable trips and they have incredible offers on excursions that are well worth it.  Go and be a Stella and get your purpose back, even if it means you have to borrow some money.  And by the way don't forget your fabu bathing suit. Secondly, buy a nice black dress and heels and take yourself out dancing. ...

Iynala is an inspiration to me.  She says things that most coaches would shy from because she is honest in a loving way.  She can be direct without being mean and she can say what she feels needs to be said without being cruel.  Today I heard her say "If you cannot face it, you cannot heal it".  I so agree with this and would like to launch this blog with those meaningful words.   I use to coach a couple who used a lot ofbullying and verbal abuse in their relationship.  Thery were broken when I met them and to my dismay there was an intentional try at denying what was really there and that the relationship was not bad it was awful.  I recall one day speaking to the male and saying to him "If you don't stop your verbal abuse you are going to lose the woman you love".  He immediately became emotional.  It was at that moment that I made it clear to him that I knew of his behavior and that it was serious.  It was that kind of honesty with...

I have been talking and befriended women all my life.  I have asked them questions and I have heard their answers about men and what they need from them.  Many times women will share the the things that they need and don't appreciate about men, including the men in their life.  Intimacy is a huge deal for women.  With this said here are some things that men don't know about women: 1.  Helping in the home is a big turn on for many women.  I would recommend that while you are cleaning the house that you wear an apron.   LOL! Women feel loved when men help them to do housework.  Many men do not realize how important it is to be a functional husband or partner and what this means to women. 2.  Women like to be cuddled.  Women want to feel nurtured and loved after an intimate experience and even just for no reason at all.  Women like being held, hugged and cuddled by men.  There is a feeling of safety and security when a man dem...

When others do not see you they are usually people who do not look past other's exteriors.  When a person sees you they know important and wonderful things about you like: your spiritual beliefs, your interests, what you believe in life, how you perceive love and even what is important and sacred to you.  When others do not ask questions about you that are core questions and ones that are deep then it is likely that they are not the type of person you want to be connected to closely.  These people also talk about themselves all the time.  They will interrupt you when you are about to share your feelings about a topic and rant like there is not tomorrow.  They don't see you, the real you, because they are so busy inside their own little limited box.  They will also not tell you things about themselves that are of any importance because they are not usually in touch with their own deeper feelings and are afraid to tell others anything that is of intimacy. F...

There are many women especially that have been in some terrible situations and stayed because they felt emotionally or physically threatened and afraid to get out.  For those women I and the ones who are still in abusive relationships I want to apologize for men who are unloving and unkind and I want to say that I understand.  Until it happened to me I did not know for sure what it is like but now I do.  I also found a way to move on.  In fact I have uncovered many ways to move on and live my life.  There is hope for you today and now.  When you are exhausted and ready to move on know that I am thinking about you all.  Every woman is connected and every woman is a goddess deserving of love, respect and compassion.  No woman should ever have to endure verbal bullying and abuse of any kind.  Yet what we know is that one out of four women will experience this type of degrading circumstances.  What you all must know is that many famous and s...

I am not alone in having stayed in a relationship so long I lost who I was.  I had no identity and my soul was killed.  My spirit became a shell almost as if it did not want to be touched.  I was fragile and I was in a state of mental illness eventually that defied any logic.  Today I am happy to say that I am finished hating Elliott and have been for about a year.  Long after the people who faulted me and thought I had it good and should of stayed with that motto it's cheaper to keep him.  Not.  Not ever.  Not never.  It is not only not a good idea it will lead to the worse things in your life.  Being who you are is more important than you will ever know.  Altering that person will make you sick at your very core.  That is where I am now.  I have found Elliott and happy to say he is listening to loud salsa music in the car and dancing when I am able as if I'd never danced before or will ever.  I no longer feel like a...

Every time I think of my life as a dad I think how lucky I have been to have two daughters.  Then I think of my granddaughters who are eight years apart.  The thirteen year old treats her little six year old sister as though she is her little angel from heaven.  My observation of sisters has been that there is such a beautiful commitment between them to be there for one another and when one is older she tends to the other much like a second mother.  I feel a sense of pride as a parent that no matter what happens they will have each other.  Sisterhood.  It is like this bond that never breaks and that cannot be stopped.  It is powerful and at the same time I believe it can be painful as well.  Loving someone that much takes a lot out of us.  Carrying that burden for our siblings can be hard when we think we know what is best for them, being the eldest one.  Still sisterhood is a strong love that will likely never be penetrated by anyone ou...

I contend that the only way to become who you would like to be is to love who you currently are.  It is an irony that we find faults in ourselves and then decide we are going to change all our bad characteristics.  We are more likely to focus on fixing what is "wrong" with us, especially when we have others pointing it out to us, judging us.  It is easy to judge ourselves when we don't feel as though we are meeting some standard set by someone at sometime in our lives.  The extreme of this was one a young lady only in her twenties committed suicide after her husband criticized, bullied and harassed her day after day.  Instead of focusing on what was good about her and many loved her and thought highly of her, she focused on what her husband thought of her.  She ended her life with a note  that no family member was ever shown and that her husband will take to his grave.  This beautiful young lady did not think much of herself as she was.  The ...

"It's so ugly it's pretty" was a saying my grandmother used in Spanish.  I think it meant that the person or object is so different and unusual or unique that it's beautiful.  Now I know from experience that people who don't fit the cookie cutter physical features are quite beautiful.  It is the same with home decor that I have seen where a person puts an antique saw inside a vase with flowers or my one friend who has a home filled with objects she found or were givent to her or she made.  I wish you could see what a picture of her home looks like because it is beautiful and filled with color and brightness.  There are objects that have scarves draped onto them and then there is a vodoo doll mobile made from dolls that a friend of her's made. Not everything that appears to be pretty is.  There's another meaning I derived.  Not everything that looks ugly is ugly.  See how I found other meanings in my grandmother's words?  This is life and li...

I have to reconcile my feelings and make a shift in how I see material things.  Not one thing that I own is worth my joy and what I must remember is that although I take great care in all the things I purchase for my home, many people do not.  I carefull select the colors on the walls, the sheets on the bed, the decorative pillows that say Love and Dream and even the lacquered trays in orange and white.  Every single object is meaningful to me yet now I must detach and this is a good lesson for me.  Material things are important to me but they must not be more important than my well being and my inner  peace. We have become attached to our BMW's and our SUV's to the degree that if someone scratches our car or dings it we would be apt to get into a fight with that person, all be it that he or she did it by accident.  The acute and unreal attachment to these objects is frightening and say a lot about who we are.  We claim them even when they are not pa...

Perhaps because I have only been in love once I should not have an opinion about love.  Still I see love so many times as some illusion, some stuff people make up, even in bad situations.  We often times make love into something that fits in our own imagination as love and if it is not really love we make it seem like it it by lying about it and fantasizing about what it is not.  Love is often an illusion and for some so elusive that it is a serious problem. The woman whose husband bullies her and says sarcastic things about her wants to believe that her husband loves her and that he is just not well, poor thing.  She makes excuses for him and for his bad behavior.  There are many people in what is an illusion of a partnership when in fact they are not in one.  On the contrary they are in peril.  They believe they will somehow resolve the issues that will always be present in their relationship and the truth is that it is not going to get any better....

"The only time I've failed at Love is when I have failed to Love myself."  Elliott Collazo  This morning as is often the case I get up wondering what is next for me.  I have an upper respiratory infection, I feel a bit down trodden  and my heart feels heavy.  It is not until I am up and about for a little while, open the blinds and look at the landscape behind my home which is now sold and I am mourning the loss of.  Every day feels like work and yet every day is work and this is what I share with others.  Life does not just happen to us.  We must be a part of the process bad or good.  At times we all would love to have someone love us to that place of joy where we want to be every moment but being with someone just takes the focus off the fact that failing at love really is failing yourself.  No one can make you happy and not a soul out there is actually willing to take on that huge and crazy responsibility.  In fact most run fro...

My first divorce to my former wife and now friend was a walk in the park compared to most divorces.  Since most of you know I am getting divorced for again I will simply say that this one is a walk on hot coal in the depths of hell.  It's not just bad it's ridiculous and on top of it my former partner just inherited a ton of money.  In the meantime he is trying to take me to the cleaners by asking for the cake plate with the lid that my former wife bought me!  It is absolutely hilarious because frankly if I don't laugh I would want to slap him and his mommy dearest.  Never would I give either one the time of day. Don't wait too long: Divorce can be very ugly but the longer you wait the worse it will be and the older you will get.  It is true that relationship has a shelf life and you don't want to be too old to be completely out of the market.  If by the time you get divorced you are sick and mangled and need a face lift you might as will stay with ...

I could go right to the garden variety response as to what being without a dad does to us, those of us without a daddy, namely me.  We live the rest of our lives looking for him in other men.  That could be the end of my blog and I could share with all of you that looking for someone to replace your daddy is a complete waste of time.  You and I only have one father and no one can replace him no matter how hard you or I try. I was reminded one time of how messed up I was in a letter from a partner's mother who not only sighted my being fatherless (cruel of her) and she also recited many things in the letter that I had never shared with her.  It was a letter that hurt me to the core and after reading it I would have loved to slap her across the face for being so cruel.  I am proud of the fact that my response was: "it sounds like you are very angry and I won't be a part of it".  Her son justified her behavior in a counseling session where the professional c...

 Sally and Steve were in an emotionally abusive relationship for a number of years.  They led a secret life because on the outside no one would be able to tell because their outer public behavior went from one extreme (loving and playful) to the other extreme (tense and suspicious).  Although I could see the subtle abuse there were very few people who could see it and no one ever talked about it or pointed it out.  When they finally called me into their relationship and shared what was going on I was not completely shocked but very surprised.  Here were two adults who were degrading each other and in addition did not trust one another.  Steve would call Sally a whore whenever she went out with her friends and stayed out late.  She in turn did not trust him either basing her distrust on his distrust of her.  After all if he thought she was "whoring around" then he must be doing the same.  They abused each other constantly by name calling each ...

I recently received a thank you note from my daughter for having bought my grand kids personalized jars of candy with their picture on the label.  I had purchased them at a gourmet candy store at the Woodfield Mall in Shaumburg' Illinois not to far from where I live.  In her note she shared these words "chase love relentlessly".  It made me think about love and how difficult it has been for me to love myself and take the love I gave, taking some of it back for me.  It has been a journey I have been on for over a year and what I have experienced is  slow and difficult process to loving myself. We are not accustomed to loving ourselves.  What we are use to is loving others and basically making ourselves last in line.  We love our spouse, love our children, love our parents, love our friends and what is left over is likely not much for us to live on.  We simply don't see that we need love as much as the people we give it to if not more.  It fi...

Looking for love is one of life's most common mistakes.  Looking for love makes us do things we would not normally do believing that if we do we will eventually find one person who will love us.  The one night stands, the six month relationships, the fast marriages and almost always ending up alone.  Then we say yes to the first person who asks us.  It is all about looking for love in all the wrong places that we think are the right places.  The Internet, the hook up sights we can download on our phone, the dating service that are expensive and the ones where you meet your future mate for lunch.  Oh and let's not forget "speed dating" and the "Bachelor".  We are almost entirely consumed with getting and keeping someone who will be our Mr. and Miss wonderful. The main issue is that we are looking for love.  In fact we don't have to look for love when we are doing exactly what makes us happy and what equals loving ourselves.  We don't need to...