What Not Having a Father Does
I could go right to the garden variety response as to what being without a dad does to us, those of us without a daddy, namely me. We live the rest of our lives looking for him in other men. That could be the end of my blog and I could share with all of you that looking for someone to replace your daddy is a complete waste of time. You and I only have one father and no one can replace him no matter how hard you or I try.
I was reminded one time of how messed up I was in a letter from a partner's mother who not only sighted my being fatherless (cruel of her) and she also recited many things in the letter that I had never shared with her. It was a letter that hurt me to the core and after reading it I would have loved to slap her across the face for being so cruel. I am proud of the fact that my response was: "it sounds like you are very angry and I won't be a part of it". Her son justified her behavior in a counseling session where the professional counselor sighted his mother as doing something highly hurtful and a betrayal to him as her son. The issue was never resolved and eventually was one of the main reasons for the relationship ending. That bad behavior on the part of his mother who he was intimidated by and "fearful of" was unacceptable but he refused to see it. It would be one of a series of things she did that were mean and simply inappropriate, not to mention crude. The one truth in her letter was that I was fatherless and even though it was none of her business nor should she have sighted it to hurt me I understand the long term affect of not having an active father has had on me, one of which was holding on to her son who was emotionally abusive and as cruel as she is. Today if I could see her I would simply thank her because her son was not the proper person for me and in fact was a coward. I would also point out to her that she scares her son and she is an irresponsible parent for using her power that way. But what I have learned in life is that people like her cannot be changed and that they elicit hate and I won't be a part of it. As a father and grandfather and man I am nevertheless ashamed of her.
One of the things that not having a dad does is blur our vision of men. Fatherless men and women often times select men who are emotionally inadequate all the way to outright abusive people. The men we pick are bullies, bossy, think they are better than others. judgemental, arrogant, self-righteous, insecure and even addicts. It is not that we don't' know what we are choosing, it is more that we accept these men because we are desperate for the attention of a man, even if it's negative. We are punishing ourselves for driving our father away because we blame ourselves for what we did not do. We spend our lives feeling bad that our father thought so little of us and left us. Our self-esteem is lower than low and we repeat the self-hating behaviors by finding men who cannot and will not truly love us or protect us. IN fact in my case not only was I not protected I was put in the pit of fire by a person who said they loved me, one who allowed others to insult me time and time again. We pick the wrong men if we have not healed from our father issues.
The other things that happens when we are raised without our father's love is that we don't love ourselves sufficiently and don't care for ourselves. We do this because we don't feel like we deserve anything better. After all our daddy left us so we must not be worthy. That lie is what puts us in situations with men that are less than loving and in fact often times abusive.
Carl who is gay has been with many men. Each man with the exception of one was abusive and also and addict. He knew this soon into the relationship but he stayed in them for months and often times for a couple of years. The first man he became involved with was in the closet and intended to stay there. That would have been OK had Carl not become a part of the secret life he led, going to see him in the middle of the night and in the afternoon on weekends. Hiding in this man's world for almost five years. One day he was in the elevator with a woman who to him looked like a hooker. She just seemed out of place in a building that was elite and very expensive in an area of Chicago that is the highest income. Suddenly his judgement of her turned him inside and he said to himself: "She may be a prostitute but she is at least getting paid and you are not". Carl realized how he was prostituting himself with a man who used his own self-hating homophobia to keep him hostage. This of course made Carl realize that his daddy issues were the very reason he was accepting this empty relationship where sex was love and there was not one once of love in that interaction with this man.
We will never find ourselves in a healthy relationship if we do not heal our daddy issues. We will continue to make the same choices over and again, bad ones. Healing our daddy issues takes time and one step is simply to understand that those issues are still driving our decisions about men. There is not one easy fix around finding a place in us that will make the right decisions about men. The good news is that it is never too late and that we can heal. Finding ways to heal is individual but the one main things is to find your center of love for yourself. The good news is that we can do it. The good news is that I have. The best news is that you can.
I was reminded one time of how messed up I was in a letter from a partner's mother who not only sighted my being fatherless (cruel of her) and she also recited many things in the letter that I had never shared with her. It was a letter that hurt me to the core and after reading it I would have loved to slap her across the face for being so cruel. I am proud of the fact that my response was: "it sounds like you are very angry and I won't be a part of it". Her son justified her behavior in a counseling session where the professional counselor sighted his mother as doing something highly hurtful and a betrayal to him as her son. The issue was never resolved and eventually was one of the main reasons for the relationship ending. That bad behavior on the part of his mother who he was intimidated by and "fearful of" was unacceptable but he refused to see it. It would be one of a series of things she did that were mean and simply inappropriate, not to mention crude. The one truth in her letter was that I was fatherless and even though it was none of her business nor should she have sighted it to hurt me I understand the long term affect of not having an active father has had on me, one of which was holding on to her son who was emotionally abusive and as cruel as she is. Today if I could see her I would simply thank her because her son was not the proper person for me and in fact was a coward. I would also point out to her that she scares her son and she is an irresponsible parent for using her power that way. But what I have learned in life is that people like her cannot be changed and that they elicit hate and I won't be a part of it. As a father and grandfather and man I am nevertheless ashamed of her.
One of the things that not having a dad does is blur our vision of men. Fatherless men and women often times select men who are emotionally inadequate all the way to outright abusive people. The men we pick are bullies, bossy, think they are better than others. judgemental, arrogant, self-righteous, insecure and even addicts. It is not that we don't' know what we are choosing, it is more that we accept these men because we are desperate for the attention of a man, even if it's negative. We are punishing ourselves for driving our father away because we blame ourselves for what we did not do. We spend our lives feeling bad that our father thought so little of us and left us. Our self-esteem is lower than low and we repeat the self-hating behaviors by finding men who cannot and will not truly love us or protect us. IN fact in my case not only was I not protected I was put in the pit of fire by a person who said they loved me, one who allowed others to insult me time and time again. We pick the wrong men if we have not healed from our father issues.
The other things that happens when we are raised without our father's love is that we don't love ourselves sufficiently and don't care for ourselves. We do this because we don't feel like we deserve anything better. After all our daddy left us so we must not be worthy. That lie is what puts us in situations with men that are less than loving and in fact often times abusive.
Carl who is gay has been with many men. Each man with the exception of one was abusive and also and addict. He knew this soon into the relationship but he stayed in them for months and often times for a couple of years. The first man he became involved with was in the closet and intended to stay there. That would have been OK had Carl not become a part of the secret life he led, going to see him in the middle of the night and in the afternoon on weekends. Hiding in this man's world for almost five years. One day he was in the elevator with a woman who to him looked like a hooker. She just seemed out of place in a building that was elite and very expensive in an area of Chicago that is the highest income. Suddenly his judgement of her turned him inside and he said to himself: "She may be a prostitute but she is at least getting paid and you are not". Carl realized how he was prostituting himself with a man who used his own self-hating homophobia to keep him hostage. This of course made Carl realize that his daddy issues were the very reason he was accepting this empty relationship where sex was love and there was not one once of love in that interaction with this man.
We will never find ourselves in a healthy relationship if we do not heal our daddy issues. We will continue to make the same choices over and again, bad ones. Healing our daddy issues takes time and one step is simply to understand that those issues are still driving our decisions about men. There is not one easy fix around finding a place in us that will make the right decisions about men. The good news is that it is never too late and that we can heal. Finding ways to heal is individual but the one main things is to find your center of love for yourself. The good news is that we can do it. The good news is that I have. The best news is that you can.
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