Deny Deny Deny Won't Make It True
I had a person in my life who introduced himself and his family as the "Leave it to Beaver" family. I recall vividly this sitcom as a child and wishing I was the Beaver and that his mom was my mom. The only problem with his story was that it was a cover up and a lie. There was nothing Leave it to Beaver about their life.
At five this person was assigned a psychiatrist because his father had caught him playing with dolls with the next door neighbors female child. At about twenty two years of age he tried to commit suicide. When I started to observe his relationship with his mother I could see clearly how much control she had over him and what he said and did. She made it a point to know everything. When he failed he did nto want her to know he failed and at a mentoring group for couples he stated that the thing he feared most was his mother's opinion. I could easily see that she was behind the scenes constantly making sure she did not loose control of him. Then eventually I realized that she had zero respect for her son who happened to be gay but not his two brothers. They seemed to have been more fortunate or less passive than him.
Whenever I pointed out the obvious this person would get very angry and close down. The punishment for me was the same as she to him which was to withhold love or compassion. In fact he would stop speaking for days just as his mother had likely done to him. He was a good homosexual son who was to be the one to care for his mommy after his daddy died. The plan sounded more like Norman Bates and the movie where he plays a psycho. It was just a different era and a different time yet the behavior were just as odd and unusual. Like Norman Bates is seemed to me that the lines had been crossed so many times that even "penis envy" would not have explained it. I believe it will end poorly because she will have the last word and he will be a lonely old homosexual who would rather be alone than loose his mother's approval of him.
Denying something is not true does not make it true. Denying the sorted details of a family with more than their share of shame and blame did not make them so. In fact it placed a light upon them and suspicious thoughts. It made it seem as though everyone was hiding something and as time rolls on the truth always comes out. Even the fact that the family had changed their name. Nothing and no one can invent a more likely story like the one they created. The one that one gay son made up. In fact it was more of a lie because the father was so obviously gay or had gay tendencies. Friends would poke fun at him and say his dad was gay making comments like: "Did you meet Carl's gay dad yet?". It was a joke among every so called friend.
When we deny the truth it does not set us free. In fact it holds us hostage. No matter what we do or say nothing is more powerful than the truth and nothing is more fatal than making up a lie or denying the truth. We cannot cover the sky with our hands. This is what my grandmother said many times to me. The reality is that we cannot hide the truth just by closing our eyes and pretending we can cure a long term mental illness and a family who is mentally ill and like little serial killers. The insults, the shaming, the controlling and the hiding does not make for a life of healing and every time we lie we die a little more inside. By being in our truth we free ourselves from a pretend world where we may think we are hiding yet we are in full view.
At five this person was assigned a psychiatrist because his father had caught him playing with dolls with the next door neighbors female child. At about twenty two years of age he tried to commit suicide. When I started to observe his relationship with his mother I could see clearly how much control she had over him and what he said and did. She made it a point to know everything. When he failed he did nto want her to know he failed and at a mentoring group for couples he stated that the thing he feared most was his mother's opinion. I could easily see that she was behind the scenes constantly making sure she did not loose control of him. Then eventually I realized that she had zero respect for her son who happened to be gay but not his two brothers. They seemed to have been more fortunate or less passive than him.
Whenever I pointed out the obvious this person would get very angry and close down. The punishment for me was the same as she to him which was to withhold love or compassion. In fact he would stop speaking for days just as his mother had likely done to him. He was a good homosexual son who was to be the one to care for his mommy after his daddy died. The plan sounded more like Norman Bates and the movie where he plays a psycho. It was just a different era and a different time yet the behavior were just as odd and unusual. Like Norman Bates is seemed to me that the lines had been crossed so many times that even "penis envy" would not have explained it. I believe it will end poorly because she will have the last word and he will be a lonely old homosexual who would rather be alone than loose his mother's approval of him.
Denying something is not true does not make it true. Denying the sorted details of a family with more than their share of shame and blame did not make them so. In fact it placed a light upon them and suspicious thoughts. It made it seem as though everyone was hiding something and as time rolls on the truth always comes out. Even the fact that the family had changed their name. Nothing and no one can invent a more likely story like the one they created. The one that one gay son made up. In fact it was more of a lie because the father was so obviously gay or had gay tendencies. Friends would poke fun at him and say his dad was gay making comments like: "Did you meet Carl's gay dad yet?". It was a joke among every so called friend.
When we deny the truth it does not set us free. In fact it holds us hostage. No matter what we do or say nothing is more powerful than the truth and nothing is more fatal than making up a lie or denying the truth. We cannot cover the sky with our hands. This is what my grandmother said many times to me. The reality is that we cannot hide the truth just by closing our eyes and pretending we can cure a long term mental illness and a family who is mentally ill and like little serial killers. The insults, the shaming, the controlling and the hiding does not make for a life of healing and every time we lie we die a little more inside. By being in our truth we free ourselves from a pretend world where we may think we are hiding yet we are in full view.
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