Emotional Dishonesty and Emotional Abuse
Sally and Steve were in an emotionally abusive relationship for a number of years. They led a secret life because on the outside no one would be able to tell because their outer public behavior went from one extreme (loving and playful) to the other extreme (tense and suspicious). Although I could see the subtle abuse there were very few people who could see it and no one ever talked about it or pointed it out. When they finally called me into their relationship and shared what was going on I was not completely shocked but very surprised. Here were two adults who were degrading each other and in addition did not trust one another. Steve would call Sally a whore whenever she went out with her friends and stayed out late. She in turn did not trust him either basing her distrust on his distrust of her. After all if he thought she was "whoring around" then he must be doing the same. They abused each other constantly by name calling each other and not speaking to each other for days on end when they would get angry. The closing off of one person with the other made the other person feel abandoned and put the relationship even more on edge. Neither knew how to handle the situation head on and with love and honesty. They had do learn the skill of compassionate communication but they'd not learned that skill, especially not Steve who was a serious bully. At times Sally would resort to breaking some dishes or hitting Steve. It was a relationship gone wild and basically out of control. Although they eventually improved they are still in a place where they avoid time together so that there is less of a chance that there will be an incident. This beautiful couple is still healing.
Many times we cannot see how dishonest we are about our emotions and how abusive we really are to those we claim to love. We think that the physical abuse is bad but that the emotional abuse is less toxic or less hurtful, when in fact emotional abuse is just as bad if not worse than the physical abuse. We have heard it over and over again. Statement s like: "I would rather be hit because it is over a done afterwards". This is simply an excuse that we make for people who abuse us with their words. I know because I justified the verbal abuse in my relationships one after the other, the last for ten years. But this is not about me and although tears are falling from my eyes as I write this I know that the absence of my father was the reason I tolerated so much mental dishonesty and abuse from men. That of course is yet another subject so for now I will stick to some of the reasons we misinterpret and deny mental abuse. We accept it because we cannot understand how damaging it is over time. We accept it because we believe it is not as bad as physical abuse. We accept it because we think we deserve it. We accept it because we are afraid to be abandoned and left behind which is what abusive people threaten us with.
Emotional dishonesty is when people who say they love us life to us and don't tell the truth about their feelings. Emotionally dishonesty is when you say you love someone when you are angry about their behavior and let them think every thing is OK when in fact it's not. The emotional dishonesty that goes on in relationships go from being dishonesty to emotional abuse. Being honest means that you can love someone and still let them know that you are unhappy about the way you are being treated by them. Emotional honesty avoids emotional abuse because it gives us permission to say what we are feeling and what is hurting us before things get out of hand and blosssom to abuse. When we sense the emotional dishonesty that is when we should comminicate.
We accept emotional dishonesty and then abuse because we don't feel important enough to be respected at all times. We have thoughts about how inadequate and how undeserving we are of something better. We are also afraid to be alone and unhappy, that no one will love us and that we will never find someone to share our life with. We will accept abuse because we don't think enough of ourselves to get and be in situations with others that are loving and full of happiness. We accept abuse because we truly have a part of us that is self-loathing. It takes a lot of healing to not be a part of a relationship with ourselves that is hateful and our own version of hell. In the end we create it and we accept it. It is not others fault that we accept other's version of hell and abuse.
Today I am healing and although this blog is not about me I can honestly say that it has taken me over a year of therapy and becoming involved in doing things that lift me up as a human being. Today I understand that every abusive relationship was a symbol of what I thought about Elliott. Now I know one thing for sure and that is that I will never be in an abusive relationship whether it is verbal or just dishonest and unloving. Today I know that my healing depends on me and not on anyone else.
We are here to grow. If you are in an abusive relationship today think hard about it and either let go of it or face the fact that it needs to be healed and addressed head on. Dig inside your heart to determine how and why you no longer want to continue to be insulted or neglected. Find your core and you will find your answer.
Many times we cannot see how dishonest we are about our emotions and how abusive we really are to those we claim to love. We think that the physical abuse is bad but that the emotional abuse is less toxic or less hurtful, when in fact emotional abuse is just as bad if not worse than the physical abuse. We have heard it over and over again. Statement s like: "I would rather be hit because it is over a done afterwards". This is simply an excuse that we make for people who abuse us with their words. I know because I justified the verbal abuse in my relationships one after the other, the last for ten years. But this is not about me and although tears are falling from my eyes as I write this I know that the absence of my father was the reason I tolerated so much mental dishonesty and abuse from men. That of course is yet another subject so for now I will stick to some of the reasons we misinterpret and deny mental abuse. We accept it because we cannot understand how damaging it is over time. We accept it because we believe it is not as bad as physical abuse. We accept it because we think we deserve it. We accept it because we are afraid to be abandoned and left behind which is what abusive people threaten us with.
Emotional dishonesty is when people who say they love us life to us and don't tell the truth about their feelings. Emotionally dishonesty is when you say you love someone when you are angry about their behavior and let them think every thing is OK when in fact it's not. The emotional dishonesty that goes on in relationships go from being dishonesty to emotional abuse. Being honest means that you can love someone and still let them know that you are unhappy about the way you are being treated by them. Emotional honesty avoids emotional abuse because it gives us permission to say what we are feeling and what is hurting us before things get out of hand and blosssom to abuse. When we sense the emotional dishonesty that is when we should comminicate.
We accept emotional dishonesty and then abuse because we don't feel important enough to be respected at all times. We have thoughts about how inadequate and how undeserving we are of something better. We are also afraid to be alone and unhappy, that no one will love us and that we will never find someone to share our life with. We will accept abuse because we don't think enough of ourselves to get and be in situations with others that are loving and full of happiness. We accept abuse because we truly have a part of us that is self-loathing. It takes a lot of healing to not be a part of a relationship with ourselves that is hateful and our own version of hell. In the end we create it and we accept it. It is not others fault that we accept other's version of hell and abuse.
Today I am healing and although this blog is not about me I can honestly say that it has taken me over a year of therapy and becoming involved in doing things that lift me up as a human being. Today I understand that every abusive relationship was a symbol of what I thought about Elliott. Now I know one thing for sure and that is that I will never be in an abusive relationship whether it is verbal or just dishonest and unloving. Today I know that my healing depends on me and not on anyone else.
We are here to grow. If you are in an abusive relationship today think hard about it and either let go of it or face the fact that it needs to be healed and addressed head on. Dig inside your heart to determine how and why you no longer want to continue to be insulted or neglected. Find your core and you will find your answer.
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