The Abusive Mother. Is She Yours?
I must first admit that my mother was not well. She was emotionally even mentally a wreck much of the time. She worked but could handle very little else. Even then she tried to be the best mom she could yet her anger at other things in life made her far from a great mom. Although I love her I can honesty say that she is still not well and consumes more nicotine than one could even imagine a person doing when they are so sickly to start with. I love her and yet I can admit she is not the best mom in the world nor would she get a good housekeeping seal. I am just not in denial.
Sam on the other hand is in major denial about his mother. He paints her to be the most wonerful, tasteful woman who reminds him of Sally Field. He believes her to be a great cook (not even close) and behaves as if life with her and his dad was perfect. In the meantime he is constantly talking about others and their defects as well as their "tragic" life. This of course included me and as you can imagine he had a lot of material since I am so honest about not having the wonderful life he depicted that he had. In the meantime and in between time he was asking people not to tell his parents he'd failed the nursing test the first time around. In the meantime he would blow up when people would say that they thought his dad was gay and that his mom was bitchy and judgmental. In fact Sam had been sent to a therpist for playing with Barbies with the next door neighbor and tried to commit suicide when he was 22 in college by taking a load of pills. One day when he was told his family was racist he smiled and stated "I cannot help it if my mom is racist". He was married to a woman of color. In reality his mother was as abusive as mine but did so with a subtle but killing force. She was manipulative, she tried to what I refer to as "de-gay" him and she abused her power by constantly taking love away and triangulating him with others. Baiscally she was nuts.
Mothers who abuse their power are ones who:
1. Meddle in their children's business constantly.
2. Interject their opinions constantly and criticize their children and their choices.
3. Take love or money or nurturing away as punishment.
4. Think their children are better than any others while they pressure them to be perfect/appear to be.
5. Made anyone that is involved with their children miserable by insulting them and making their children feel they belong to her.
6. Make their children feel guilt and shame so as to get what they want from them.
7. Make their children beholding to them.
8. Are rude to their children's friends and partners.
9. Shame their children when they fail at something.
10. Try to fix their children when they feel they don't come up to her standards.
It is usually obvious when a mom hits her children and many times this is our measure of abuse. The reality is that abusive mothers come in other forms and even when they don't hit their kids they do a lot of collateral damage to them, even more than just hitting them. Mothers who are abusive abuse their power and do things like threaten the child in order to get them to not date someone or in order to get them to do what they want. Abusive mothers are constantly meddling in their children's life and withhold love when they cannot get their kids to do what they want. Abusive mothers are not all socially and economically messed up. Many suburban high income mothers are worse than the ones we think are "ghetto" whatever that means.
When children allow their mothers to meddle and abuse them and others they are afraid of the wrath. Mothers who are abusive have cunning ways to get to their children and make them do what they think they should do, disregarding who it hurts, including their own child. Our picture of abusive moms is one that is much too limited. What is the truth is that there are many moms who are abusive in ways that one cannot see clearly or right away. It is long term and it is passive aggressive abuse. For many of us mothers like these are placed on a pedestal because believing otherwise is just too painful.
Sam on the other hand is in major denial about his mother. He paints her to be the most wonerful, tasteful woman who reminds him of Sally Field. He believes her to be a great cook (not even close) and behaves as if life with her and his dad was perfect. In the meantime he is constantly talking about others and their defects as well as their "tragic" life. This of course included me and as you can imagine he had a lot of material since I am so honest about not having the wonderful life he depicted that he had. In the meantime and in between time he was asking people not to tell his parents he'd failed the nursing test the first time around. In the meantime he would blow up when people would say that they thought his dad was gay and that his mom was bitchy and judgmental. In fact Sam had been sent to a therpist for playing with Barbies with the next door neighbor and tried to commit suicide when he was 22 in college by taking a load of pills. One day when he was told his family was racist he smiled and stated "I cannot help it if my mom is racist". He was married to a woman of color. In reality his mother was as abusive as mine but did so with a subtle but killing force. She was manipulative, she tried to what I refer to as "de-gay" him and she abused her power by constantly taking love away and triangulating him with others. Baiscally she was nuts.
Mothers who abuse their power are ones who:
1. Meddle in their children's business constantly.
2. Interject their opinions constantly and criticize their children and their choices.
3. Take love or money or nurturing away as punishment.
4. Think their children are better than any others while they pressure them to be perfect/appear to be.
5. Made anyone that is involved with their children miserable by insulting them and making their children feel they belong to her.
6. Make their children feel guilt and shame so as to get what they want from them.
7. Make their children beholding to them.
8. Are rude to their children's friends and partners.
9. Shame their children when they fail at something.
10. Try to fix their children when they feel they don't come up to her standards.
It is usually obvious when a mom hits her children and many times this is our measure of abuse. The reality is that abusive mothers come in other forms and even when they don't hit their kids they do a lot of collateral damage to them, even more than just hitting them. Mothers who are abusive abuse their power and do things like threaten the child in order to get them to not date someone or in order to get them to do what they want. Abusive mothers are constantly meddling in their children's life and withhold love when they cannot get their kids to do what they want. Abusive mothers are not all socially and economically messed up. Many suburban high income mothers are worse than the ones we think are "ghetto" whatever that means.
When children allow their mothers to meddle and abuse them and others they are afraid of the wrath. Mothers who are abusive have cunning ways to get to their children and make them do what they think they should do, disregarding who it hurts, including their own child. Our picture of abusive moms is one that is much too limited. What is the truth is that there are many moms who are abusive in ways that one cannot see clearly or right away. It is long term and it is passive aggressive abuse. For many of us mothers like these are placed on a pedestal because believing otherwise is just too painful.
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