Self-Hate Kills
I was recently at a gathering of several men and we got on this topic of the turn off towards homosexuals who behave flamboyantly or feminine. In our group was a therapist and a life coach who defined this kind of judgement of feminine gay men as self-hate. I for one had to make a comment about what it says about me if I am in the seat where I am judging gay men based on their inability to be "masculine". I even mentioned that I have met straight men who are very feminine and in fact how in my youth I judged men based on their percentage of feminine like behavior but that now I realize it was about me not about them, and it surely is. Whenever we judge others they are mirroring something back to us that we need to work on. They are our agent for healing.
Self hate kills and I mean this in every sense of the word. It kills our spirit, our emotional being and our physical self. It grinds on us and it is more about our own acceptance than the person we are judging as too much of a sissy. Often times we are hiding something about ourselves when we are disturbed by femininity in men. The fact remains that we are all feminine and masculine. We are not ever all of one thing that fits one gender, especially those of us who are gay. Trying so hard to be masculine is really self-esteem stuff and ego based thinking. We want to be more masculine so that others don't read us as gay right away. Although there is the issue of safety our self homophobia is the culprit of some weary concerns.
What is feminine and what is masculine. It seems that feminine is equated with being nurturing. Are we not wanting to be nurturing men? What is masculine? It seems many time to be equated with toughness. Do we just want to be tough and present a tough exterior? I think we can have the balance of the feminine energy and the masculine one. There is nothing wrong with either one but this insistence on being manly has and will have it's toll on all mankind, especially when we think that masculine is being tough and able to fight. We are confusing masculinity with an obs session to appear straight in many cases. I see this especially in American men where as in Europe men dance together even if they are not gay unfettered by this idea that men who dance with men are strange or all gay.
I want to promote this idea that we be who we are and embrace the differences within our own gay community of men and women. I want to promote gay men and women sharing their compassion and connection with each other versus criticizing each other. I want to ask that we heal ourselves from the idea that fem men are strange and masculine women are "dikes". I'd like to see a world where gay men love each other as they are and where lesbian women embrace the "lipstick lesbian". We have too many labels and is there not enough people labeling us already? I heard from a Black woman I use to work with: "Don't hate appreciate". I second that emotion.
Self hate kills and I mean this in every sense of the word. It kills our spirit, our emotional being and our physical self. It grinds on us and it is more about our own acceptance than the person we are judging as too much of a sissy. Often times we are hiding something about ourselves when we are disturbed by femininity in men. The fact remains that we are all feminine and masculine. We are not ever all of one thing that fits one gender, especially those of us who are gay. Trying so hard to be masculine is really self-esteem stuff and ego based thinking. We want to be more masculine so that others don't read us as gay right away. Although there is the issue of safety our self homophobia is the culprit of some weary concerns.
What is feminine and what is masculine. It seems that feminine is equated with being nurturing. Are we not wanting to be nurturing men? What is masculine? It seems many time to be equated with toughness. Do we just want to be tough and present a tough exterior? I think we can have the balance of the feminine energy and the masculine one. There is nothing wrong with either one but this insistence on being manly has and will have it's toll on all mankind, especially when we think that masculine is being tough and able to fight. We are confusing masculinity with an obs session to appear straight in many cases. I see this especially in American men where as in Europe men dance together even if they are not gay unfettered by this idea that men who dance with men are strange or all gay.
I want to promote this idea that we be who we are and embrace the differences within our own gay community of men and women. I want to promote gay men and women sharing their compassion and connection with each other versus criticizing each other. I want to ask that we heal ourselves from the idea that fem men are strange and masculine women are "dikes". I'd like to see a world where gay men love each other as they are and where lesbian women embrace the "lipstick lesbian". We have too many labels and is there not enough people labeling us already? I heard from a Black woman I use to work with: "Don't hate appreciate". I second that emotion.
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