What is Soft Core Abuse?
Some may say that being verbally abused by someone they love, trust or both is worse than being beat up. Others would say that it is equally painful whether it is verbal or physical assaults. I say that both are unacceptable and that many times we don't even know we are being abused because it is so subtle and the person abusing us is so expert at it. I might also add that abusive people learn their skills from abusive parents much of the time and have learned a skill they believe will keep others in line and them in control. Like their parents they are usually in deep denial about their abuse because somewhere inside them they do believe it to be a necessary evil. Soft core abuse is so mysterious and at times unknown to us that we practically cannot see or feel it until it accumulates over the years, at times many years.
These are some soft core kinds of abuse you may not be noticing:
1. My Way or the Highway:
This is a form of abuse whereby your partner or spouse either get their way or they simply shut down. This form of abuse happens when your loved one or person who says they love you does not do anything that you like to do or participate in things you like but expects you to follow along with all the things they like to do. This person will directly or indirectly let you know that if you do not comply with what they want to do they will abandon you or leave you. They may not even say that they are going to leave you but rather find subtle passive aggressive ways to show you they are disappointed and upset that you did not comply so that the next time you will comply with their needs and wants. This form of abuser usually finds someone who has a horrible fear of abandonment and will literally play a cat and mouse game where they will disappear for a few days. They will make it seem as though you are being uncooperative when in fact it is just their way to get you to comply with their desired activities.
2. Love is not Enough:
When a person learns to control others they will use the "love is not enough" trick. This strategy is all about controlling you. This game gets played out when you sight your partner for not doing his or her part in the relationship or in the household. It is used to make you feel badly and to again hold you accountable for something they refuse to do which is to be an equal partner. This kind of abuse may be soft core but has a huge emotional impact. Again, this type of approach is used to control you and to make you feel badly about wanting more from the relationship or asking that person to be more accountable. The response of "love is not enough" is really one that is saying that you don't love him or her enough and that no matter what you are the one who has the issue and not them. After all they don't mind having their dirty underwear on the beautiful bedroom chair and they are not the one who is so picky about cleanliness. The love is not enough statement is meant to scare you into knowing that he or she will leave you for complaining about them not doing enough even if it is completely accurate that they are not doing their part. It is a cop out and at the same time a way to control you and abuse your love and dedication to them or your home.
3. You are a Downer:
Accusing you of being negative is not only abusive of someone but also not loving and not compassionate or kind. It is a put down that is meant to shame and blame you. Statements like: "you are always negative and you are never satisfied" is a way to cop out of their part in making the relationship work or doing the work that is involved in being an equal and participatory partner. It is an excuse and is a shaming and blaming game that many partners are taught so as to gain control. Once again it is abusive in that it connotes that you are the problem and it makes you think that you might be. After a while you simply believe that you are that horribly negative person he or she is accusing you of. Now they have control and you feel like shit. That is the objective. That is abuse.
4. You Know What to Do to Make Me....
This abusive approach is usually used in the sexual category of your relationship with an abusive partner. He or she will make demands of you sexually, usually things that feel odd and escalate to more and more inappropriate requests. It may start with alleged fantasies of having sex with a third party and at times gets mixed in with asking you to degrade yourself by making statements about you having sex with someone else. Eventually you are finally so exhausted from the talk of three ways that you ask if they are trying to tell you something and you uncover that they certainly are. This escalates faster and faster until you are doing what the person wants you to do and you feel like a prostitute. The objective is the same. Control.
To be continued...
These are some soft core kinds of abuse you may not be noticing:
1. My Way or the Highway:
This is a form of abuse whereby your partner or spouse either get their way or they simply shut down. This form of abuse happens when your loved one or person who says they love you does not do anything that you like to do or participate in things you like but expects you to follow along with all the things they like to do. This person will directly or indirectly let you know that if you do not comply with what they want to do they will abandon you or leave you. They may not even say that they are going to leave you but rather find subtle passive aggressive ways to show you they are disappointed and upset that you did not comply so that the next time you will comply with their needs and wants. This form of abuser usually finds someone who has a horrible fear of abandonment and will literally play a cat and mouse game where they will disappear for a few days. They will make it seem as though you are being uncooperative when in fact it is just their way to get you to comply with their desired activities.
2. Love is not Enough:
When a person learns to control others they will use the "love is not enough" trick. This strategy is all about controlling you. This game gets played out when you sight your partner for not doing his or her part in the relationship or in the household. It is used to make you feel badly and to again hold you accountable for something they refuse to do which is to be an equal partner. This kind of abuse may be soft core but has a huge emotional impact. Again, this type of approach is used to control you and to make you feel badly about wanting more from the relationship or asking that person to be more accountable. The response of "love is not enough" is really one that is saying that you don't love him or her enough and that no matter what you are the one who has the issue and not them. After all they don't mind having their dirty underwear on the beautiful bedroom chair and they are not the one who is so picky about cleanliness. The love is not enough statement is meant to scare you into knowing that he or she will leave you for complaining about them not doing enough even if it is completely accurate that they are not doing their part. It is a cop out and at the same time a way to control you and abuse your love and dedication to them or your home.
3. You are a Downer:
Accusing you of being negative is not only abusive of someone but also not loving and not compassionate or kind. It is a put down that is meant to shame and blame you. Statements like: "you are always negative and you are never satisfied" is a way to cop out of their part in making the relationship work or doing the work that is involved in being an equal and participatory partner. It is an excuse and is a shaming and blaming game that many partners are taught so as to gain control. Once again it is abusive in that it connotes that you are the problem and it makes you think that you might be. After a while you simply believe that you are that horribly negative person he or she is accusing you of. Now they have control and you feel like shit. That is the objective. That is abuse.
4. You Know What to Do to Make Me....
This abusive approach is usually used in the sexual category of your relationship with an abusive partner. He or she will make demands of you sexually, usually things that feel odd and escalate to more and more inappropriate requests. It may start with alleged fantasies of having sex with a third party and at times gets mixed in with asking you to degrade yourself by making statements about you having sex with someone else. Eventually you are finally so exhausted from the talk of three ways that you ask if they are trying to tell you something and you uncover that they certainly are. This escalates faster and faster until you are doing what the person wants you to do and you feel like a prostitute. The objective is the same. Control.
To be continued...
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