The Ways to Improve Relationship
Today I was discussing some relationship related things with a wonderful woman I just met not long ago. Her candid and open manner impressed me and motivated me to dedicate a blog related to what she shared and what we co-created. She loves her husband and at the same time she is feeling stressed about doing too much. She works and then she comes home to do more work. She has children, at least one who is a teen. She mentioned the word divorce but in reality she is far from certain that this is what she wants to do. Like many mothers she is concerned about her teen child and feels like a divorce would be hard on her child. As many woman have done, she is staying in the relationship for reasons of her own and it matters not what we think. I for one stayed in an abusive relationship for over 10 years. It is nothing new nor does it mean we are flawed. It just means we needed to be in the situation to learn our lessons well.
Some of her challenges in her relationship is that the husband critiques her weight sighting that she is "fat". She is a normal sized woman and in fact looks great. For those of us who don't know it a size 14 is the average sized woman. She is likely a 12-14 and looks very well put together yet she struggles with her body image, again as many women do. It does not help that she is bombarded with images of women who are a size 2-4 and at times not even 21. We all know the magazines most guilty of presenting a false body image and many of them are fashion magazines. Some of the women in these ads looks like they are sick while others may not even be of legal age but are made up to look like women not to mention the air brushing that is a common part of the false image they present.
For her and for other women out there struggling with body images and relationships that are not as loving as one would like them to be I am going to share what I shared with her:
1. Love the body that you are in. Be at peace with the body that you have, accepting every curve and every imperfection knowing that you are normal. Look at the image in the mirror and affirm in words that you are going to love that person as she is and that there is nothing wrong with her. Do this daily.
2. Avoid blaming and shaming others for their behaviors or comments. Becoming angry with your spouse for his or her negative comments will not be helpful and may in fact create more conflict and more of the same of what you don't want. Instead use loving language to get them to understand that it hurts your feeling and asking that they please think about how you feel. Tell them you love them and then make your statements with sentences that start with "I feel" or When you say I am _______I feel hurt".
3. Ask for what you want, creating boundaries. Ask your partner for what you need and want. Create boundaries by sharing what is not acceptable to you. Lovingly share that the consequences of their crossing your boundaries will be that you will retrieve and that you don't want this to happen in your relationship. Be honest but not blaming in your wording. Again, use I statements and share the feelings that come up for you.
4. Show your gratitude for every time your spouse or anyone you love compliments you or supports you in any way. Say thank you for the smallest thing they do that is aligned with what you need and have asked for. Grab onto the positive things. Say it with gusto and say it like you mean it. They will do more of what you like when you show them appreciation for getting it.
The last thing and the most important is that you do things to heal yourself. Not everything others say and do will be healed by their hands but rather by your own. Pray, meditate, do yoga, take a class, workout and do things that are loving to yourself. The more you do this the more others will understand that you really mean what you are saying and that you are doing your self-work by seeing a counselor or a life coach. They will then be clear on how to treat you because you are.
Some of her challenges in her relationship is that the husband critiques her weight sighting that she is "fat". She is a normal sized woman and in fact looks great. For those of us who don't know it a size 14 is the average sized woman. She is likely a 12-14 and looks very well put together yet she struggles with her body image, again as many women do. It does not help that she is bombarded with images of women who are a size 2-4 and at times not even 21. We all know the magazines most guilty of presenting a false body image and many of them are fashion magazines. Some of the women in these ads looks like they are sick while others may not even be of legal age but are made up to look like women not to mention the air brushing that is a common part of the false image they present.
For her and for other women out there struggling with body images and relationships that are not as loving as one would like them to be I am going to share what I shared with her:
1. Love the body that you are in. Be at peace with the body that you have, accepting every curve and every imperfection knowing that you are normal. Look at the image in the mirror and affirm in words that you are going to love that person as she is and that there is nothing wrong with her. Do this daily.
2. Avoid blaming and shaming others for their behaviors or comments. Becoming angry with your spouse for his or her negative comments will not be helpful and may in fact create more conflict and more of the same of what you don't want. Instead use loving language to get them to understand that it hurts your feeling and asking that they please think about how you feel. Tell them you love them and then make your statements with sentences that start with "I feel" or When you say I am _______I feel hurt".
3. Ask for what you want, creating boundaries. Ask your partner for what you need and want. Create boundaries by sharing what is not acceptable to you. Lovingly share that the consequences of their crossing your boundaries will be that you will retrieve and that you don't want this to happen in your relationship. Be honest but not blaming in your wording. Again, use I statements and share the feelings that come up for you.
4. Show your gratitude for every time your spouse or anyone you love compliments you or supports you in any way. Say thank you for the smallest thing they do that is aligned with what you need and have asked for. Grab onto the positive things. Say it with gusto and say it like you mean it. They will do more of what you like when you show them appreciation for getting it.
The last thing and the most important is that you do things to heal yourself. Not everything others say and do will be healed by their hands but rather by your own. Pray, meditate, do yoga, take a class, workout and do things that are loving to yourself. The more you do this the more others will understand that you really mean what you are saying and that you are doing your self-work by seeing a counselor or a life coach. They will then be clear on how to treat you because you are.
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