Daughters Are The Reason
This blog is going to start out dark but if you stay with me it is going to end in light. During the time I was being treated for my "health opportunity" one night in the hospital I had my very first "panic attack". The reason I knew was because I had not felt that afraid, paranoid or scared in my life. Then my then therapist verified it for me by saying: "yes, that sounds like a classic panic attack". I was scared so badly that I did not push the button for a nurse thinking that something worse would happen than was already happening at the moment. I was truly not rational. The next day I thought about my life and when I was almost asleep I heard a voice ask me "Are you ready, Elliott?" I knew immediately what she was asking me. It was for me the voice of Spirit in female form. At that point I had been quite upset and had not received any medication for the anxiety. I decided to respond with a "yes". She then asked me if I was sure and then I started thinking about my daughters and granddaughters. It was at that moment that I changed my mind and said: "No, I am not ready". She then responded with: "This is not going to be easy, are you sure?" I responded: "yes". That morning I woke up and my youngest daughter was in the hospital room checking in on me. It was at that moment that a surge of emotion came over m and I realized that she was one of the most important reasons I wanted to live. Her, her sister and my granddaughters.
Daughters are for a reason and for me I could never truly express how much it means to me to have two daughter who love me and two granddaughters who look up to me. I went through the fire and I could of given up. I wanted to give up, but when I thought about them I wanted badly to shift my energy and turn the light back on. Their love was the encouragement I needed. Their love kept me alive and wanting to live. Their love got me through the chemo and radiation treatments. They were there when I felt like nothing could be worse in my life and showed me that this was not the truth. Cancer was not my identity and it was not going to be my story unless it helped someone else.
My daughters helped me to uncover my healing by writing about it and by being honest about where I was at in the process of healing. I was held by my youngest daughter when I was brought to my knees. I became the child and she the parent. I was at times mothered by a child who did not have to nurture me. My other daughter would come on weekends with the children and make help me to understand that life was sacred and that I had some more life to live. Now over a year later I understand that I am alive because of that kind of love and Goddess energy. My daughters gave me a reason to live longer and with more joy. My daughters who were a gift to me all my life turned out to be like my parents and my best friends when my spouse wanted to palm me off on them permanently and walked out. That was the very best thing he ever did for me and the best thing that happened to me because every year I pondered getting out of the relationship and now it was validation for me when I needed him the most and he would not take a day off of work when he could of gone to every appointment with me because he scheduled himself. But in spite of this I lived and my kids helped me to understand that not only was he insignificant he was never for me.
My life has turned 180 degrees. My life has turned out to be the best life I have had. Now I do all the things that I should have been doing like: meditation classes, book clubs, dad's support group, salsa music lovers club and more. My life has gone from a day to day drudgery to a beautiful, harmony of joy. This Saturday I am celebrating my 61st year on earth. I am very fortunate to be alive and to have made it to this year and I did not do this alone. I did it most of all because of my beautiful, compassionate and loving children. Both are women and both have brought the healing energy of the goddesses. Perhaps one day I will repay my children and God for the mercy bestowed upon me. For now I am enjoying every moment and thanking God to be alive.
Thank you to all the daughters of the world. All the daddy's girls who love their dads to healing.
Daughters are for a reason and for me I could never truly express how much it means to me to have two daughter who love me and two granddaughters who look up to me. I went through the fire and I could of given up. I wanted to give up, but when I thought about them I wanted badly to shift my energy and turn the light back on. Their love was the encouragement I needed. Their love kept me alive and wanting to live. Their love got me through the chemo and radiation treatments. They were there when I felt like nothing could be worse in my life and showed me that this was not the truth. Cancer was not my identity and it was not going to be my story unless it helped someone else.
My daughters helped me to uncover my healing by writing about it and by being honest about where I was at in the process of healing. I was held by my youngest daughter when I was brought to my knees. I became the child and she the parent. I was at times mothered by a child who did not have to nurture me. My other daughter would come on weekends with the children and make help me to understand that life was sacred and that I had some more life to live. Now over a year later I understand that I am alive because of that kind of love and Goddess energy. My daughters gave me a reason to live longer and with more joy. My daughters who were a gift to me all my life turned out to be like my parents and my best friends when my spouse wanted to palm me off on them permanently and walked out. That was the very best thing he ever did for me and the best thing that happened to me because every year I pondered getting out of the relationship and now it was validation for me when I needed him the most and he would not take a day off of work when he could of gone to every appointment with me because he scheduled himself. But in spite of this I lived and my kids helped me to understand that not only was he insignificant he was never for me.
My life has turned 180 degrees. My life has turned out to be the best life I have had. Now I do all the things that I should have been doing like: meditation classes, book clubs, dad's support group, salsa music lovers club and more. My life has gone from a day to day drudgery to a beautiful, harmony of joy. This Saturday I am celebrating my 61st year on earth. I am very fortunate to be alive and to have made it to this year and I did not do this alone. I did it most of all because of my beautiful, compassionate and loving children. Both are women and both have brought the healing energy of the goddesses. Perhaps one day I will repay my children and God for the mercy bestowed upon me. For now I am enjoying every moment and thanking God to be alive.
Thank you to all the daughters of the world. All the daddy's girls who love their dads to healing.
Comments
Post a Comment