Live Happily Single
I contend that one of the biggest lies in life is that we must be partnered and that on top of that we are going to be happier if we are in love. The truth about love is that it is meaningless without the elements that need to be present like: respect, honoring, compassion, compromise, connection and communication. Yet there are so many of us who will stay in relationships that are not just unhealthy and abusive but do not have the basic elements of a good relationship. the question for me is: Why do we stay? Why do we think that it is better to be stuck in a bad relationship over being alone? Here are some reasons people stay in relationships that don't work:
1. We fear being alone and we especially fear abandonment/being left behind: For many of us abandonment is something we fear because a long time ago one or more people we were suppose to trust left us. In my own case it was my father and as a result of that abandonment every time a relationship did not work I stayed because being abandoned was so scary. For many of you abandonment has it's roots in the past when a parent left and it seemed like you were unworthy of loving enough not to be abandoned. We relive that feeling when we are in a relaitonshp with someone so it is important to address this issue before we get into a serious or long term relationship. Abandonment issues cause us to become desperate and settle for someone who is not honoring or respecting us, possibly an abusive person.
2. We have not learned to live or believe we can live alone and happily: Many of us have no idea how to live alone because we have been jumping from one person to the next and having what I call half baked relationships. We have spent our energy going from one person to the next because we have more of a dependency on others to complete us. We feel incomplete because we do not believe that being single is the norm and that in fact we are flawed if we are not married or partnered with someone. The fact that over fifty percent of marriages end up in divorce does not occur to us yet this statistic alone is telling of how bad we are at selecting someone and being in a relationships. We must learn how to be alone and be actively doing something daily that keeps us active and in our joy. If we have our own single life being with someone is secondary and not primary.
3. Others have the opinion that being single is flawed and being married is better: I have heard many times over from women who feel pressured by others in their life to be married and that the opinions of others about marriage is actually irritating. Many people feel that they must do something to help their single family member or friend find "a mate". Parents are especially guilty of pushing marriage on their children and even the medical field promotes how important it is to be in love because "people who are partnered live longer". The message is that being single is odd and that being single is not as wonderful as being married. Some will go as far as to share that having children is life's most wonderful and complete experience. The truth is that many people should never get married or have children. Single life is actually better than what we promote it as. Learning to live happy single is likely one of the best experiences when we understand that being single is not a flaw and in fact can be an asset.
4. Loving yourself is more long lasting and fulfilling: When we love ourselves we love someone who can love us back without judgement. When we start by loving ourselves we honor everything there is about us and we never disrespect ourselves nor allow others to disrespect us. Loving yourself is the key to being loved in the same clear and honorable manner. When we love ourselves we are not looking for anyone to complete us nor are we in fear about being alone at any time for any reason. When we love ourselves we honor the person that is more essential in the equation of love. When we love ourselves we don't need anyone to love us and the love of someone else is simply an add on to a life full of love.
I hope this helps some of you out there who are in a relationship that doesn't honor every part of you or you are single and feeling like there is something falsely wrong with you when there is nothing wrong with you. I hope this helps the thousands of mane and women who are struggling with being alone and being happy and whole. The simple step to being alone and filled with love is to do the things that honor you, make you happy and bring fullness to your life.
Elliott Maximo Collazo
1. We fear being alone and we especially fear abandonment/being left behind: For many of us abandonment is something we fear because a long time ago one or more people we were suppose to trust left us. In my own case it was my father and as a result of that abandonment every time a relationship did not work I stayed because being abandoned was so scary. For many of you abandonment has it's roots in the past when a parent left and it seemed like you were unworthy of loving enough not to be abandoned. We relive that feeling when we are in a relaitonshp with someone so it is important to address this issue before we get into a serious or long term relationship. Abandonment issues cause us to become desperate and settle for someone who is not honoring or respecting us, possibly an abusive person.
2. We have not learned to live or believe we can live alone and happily: Many of us have no idea how to live alone because we have been jumping from one person to the next and having what I call half baked relationships. We have spent our energy going from one person to the next because we have more of a dependency on others to complete us. We feel incomplete because we do not believe that being single is the norm and that in fact we are flawed if we are not married or partnered with someone. The fact that over fifty percent of marriages end up in divorce does not occur to us yet this statistic alone is telling of how bad we are at selecting someone and being in a relationships. We must learn how to be alone and be actively doing something daily that keeps us active and in our joy. If we have our own single life being with someone is secondary and not primary.
3. Others have the opinion that being single is flawed and being married is better: I have heard many times over from women who feel pressured by others in their life to be married and that the opinions of others about marriage is actually irritating. Many people feel that they must do something to help their single family member or friend find "a mate". Parents are especially guilty of pushing marriage on their children and even the medical field promotes how important it is to be in love because "people who are partnered live longer". The message is that being single is odd and that being single is not as wonderful as being married. Some will go as far as to share that having children is life's most wonderful and complete experience. The truth is that many people should never get married or have children. Single life is actually better than what we promote it as. Learning to live happy single is likely one of the best experiences when we understand that being single is not a flaw and in fact can be an asset.
4. Loving yourself is more long lasting and fulfilling: When we love ourselves we love someone who can love us back without judgement. When we start by loving ourselves we honor everything there is about us and we never disrespect ourselves nor allow others to disrespect us. Loving yourself is the key to being loved in the same clear and honorable manner. When we love ourselves we are not looking for anyone to complete us nor are we in fear about being alone at any time for any reason. When we love ourselves we honor the person that is more essential in the equation of love. When we love ourselves we don't need anyone to love us and the love of someone else is simply an add on to a life full of love.
I hope this helps some of you out there who are in a relationship that doesn't honor every part of you or you are single and feeling like there is something falsely wrong with you when there is nothing wrong with you. I hope this helps the thousands of mane and women who are struggling with being alone and being happy and whole. The simple step to being alone and filled with love is to do the things that honor you, make you happy and bring fullness to your life.
Elliott Maximo Collazo
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