Coach Elliott

For me there is no higher honor in life than being a father, especially to my girls who share their love generously with me.  Yesterday my daughter moved in with me after going through  some tough times that led to her mom's transition.  I am happy to have her with me and hope that I can be at my optimal level of parenting and of being her friend.  I want to show up for her emotionally and I look forward to this quality time together.  My life has been better because of her and what I sense is that this will be a wonderful chance to bond even more than before. I am very proud of my daughter because in the face of suffering she maintains a courage and wisdom that makes me  understand life better.  She experienced the pain with her mother in the last couple of months and did everything she could to support her and love her by bathing her and serving her.  She did this on her own without anyone pressuring her but rather because for her it was natur...

In a particular group of Buddhist the saying "Never Give Up" is like a bit of a mantra.  You can even buy a t-shirt that says it and I for one own a red one.  It seems really simple yet what is important in our life is not just that we don't give up but that we become ruthless about living a life that is grand and honors every part of who we are.  Never giving up means that we don't give up on the things that are important like: peace, love, creativity, health and our general well being.  Not giving up means that we put everything we can into everything we do, even when that means we have to go back to it over and over again. Life is a challenge and we must feel up to that challenge.  We have to realize that life is not always an easy endeavor but rather that is it a day to day of self-loving acts.  It may be that we need to take life one moment at a time and that the best thing to do is to live in the present.  It is about interacting with others an...

Many years ago I read a book called "Necessary Losses" after losing my sister to suicide.  I wanted to understand losing someone I loved and to be able to accept it.  Most of all I wanted to be able to move on.  I did learn a few basic tips and now that I have experienced more lossesin the form of death and divorce I am better versed in addressing losses and moving on. Here are some self-loving ways that you can address your losses: 1. Forgive the person and the situation.  Forgive the person for any wrong doing or your perceptions of what he or she may have done to hurt you, disappoint you or even abuse you.  Holding on to the resentments and anger towards others is truly "like drinking poison and expecting the other person do die".  When you lose in relationship it really means that you are not suppose to be with that person forever and that you have an opportunity to live a different life, maybe a better life.  Forgiving the other person and y...

Today is a day when many families get together and celebrate a national holiday, Thanksgiving.  Many of us will at one point in the celebration thank God for family, love and the abundance of food we will be consuming.  Many of us begin the day with a mental list of what we are grateful for yet this is something we can do every day.  Living our life in gratitude is living our life with a particular sense of thankfulness.  It is Thanksgiving today and giving thanks today is wonderful but what about the rest of the days?  For every day we are alive is a day to be grateful. We can and should begin a regimen each day of listing what we are grateful for even if we do this by stating what we are grateful for silently or writing it in a journal.  It is a well known fact that when we are in a state of thanks we tend to be happier and life unfolds in a more positive way.  The other side of this is when we are in a constant state of complaint about the things ...

I learned a long time ago that it is dangerous to run with scissors in my hand and so when I am using scissors I make sure not to run knowing that if I fall I could end up injured.  For most of us this makes complete sense but like me we have all run with scissors, at least figuratively.  We put ourselves in situations where we are in emotional and physical danger when we do things that are not aligned with the best decisions, running with people who are toxic or doing things like speeding or texting in our cars.  We put ourselves in a compromising situation much like running with a knife in our hand.  We should know better but for most of us we still do things that are not smart or good decisions.  Things that put us in danger. We do things that are dangerous because we tend to be in a state of self-hate and when we are not in a loving place we run with scissors, run with knives, speed in our cars and stick our middle finger up at others.  It seems that ...

I woke up today more acutely aware that it was Lucy's birthday.  Today she would have been 62 and in five months I will also be 62.  We were only five months apart.  The fact that I could not call her was a bit painful for me because I would call her every year for her birthday even if I called her at work.  I was consoled by one of Luis Miguel's ballads called "Te Desean", they desire you.  The song is about a woman who a man is in love with and feels like everyone sees her appeal and also desire her.  It goes on to say that this was before she was his.  That I love you, that you love me, everyone knows we desire each other.  If they only knew that you were much more than fire.  We still desire each other my love of my life. Although very difficult to get the full impact of the song in English it is by far one of the most beautiful songs about a man's love for a woman. When Luz was young I recall the times we went out to a party, a wedding...

When our hearts are open then and then alone will we connect with others.  This includes a love connection and is not limited to any one kind of human connection.  When we are ready then the teacher appears or so it is said and when we are ready that person we long for will appear.  Some of us may believe we need to help the process along by signing up for an on line dating service while most of us understand that love just happens to us organically and naturally in due time when the time is right.  Still there are some practical ways we can bring love into our lives and here are some of them: 1.  Decide that your heart is open.  We are ready for love when we decide that we can now open up to it inside the core of our heart.  Make a conscious decision that love can happen to you and that you are now open to it.  Stand in that conviction and know that you are ready to receive that love from where it comes.  If your heart is not open yet then...

If you have had trouble finding a job it could very well be that you are missing some skills that will land you that job of your dreams.  Becoming and implementing interview skills is as important as your qualifications if not more because let's face it there are many qualified people applying for the same job.  In a world where jobs have become scarce we must stand out from the others.  Here are some ways you can do just that and land that job: Dress appropriately (including grooming) for the job or a level above:  Wearing the right clothing is likely the most important aspect of an interview.  This is what others see immediately and it must be impeccable and appropriate if not exceed the job expectations of dressing.  The very best color to wear is in fact still navy blue and the most simple and attractive way to dress is in a suit whether you are female or male.  A great navy suit is worth investing in and can be paired up with a white blouse or...

In the Buddhist belief system we create our own hell and we can create our own heaven, even become like the Buddha.  Most of us do not believe in this premise or the ability to manage our own life circumstances, yet we can and many of us who do believe have.  It is a well known fact that our subconscious self does not know the difference between reality and fantasy and just feeding the unconscious mind helps us to achieve the very things we desire in our life.  All we need to do is feed that subconscious mind what we want to happen.  On the other hand we are programmed to believe in only what we can see so most of us will never go from a mediocre life to one that is incredible.  Life may not be a dream for many but life can be a dream for those who understand that we are empowered to go from one level in our life to one that is the highest and more like a dream we thought we'd not achieve. So how do we make our dreams come true?  Here is some food for tho...

I admit that I am a huge fan of Dancing with the Stars, a program on TV that pairs professional dancers with people who are considered famous or honored for their accomplishments.  This dance show has featured a few people who are disabled, one male who had a missing arm and leg and a woman had prosthetic legs.  To see these people dance was beyond belief and exceeded anything I would have imagined on a dance show.  From the most body beautiful, transgender males and real curvy women this show has demonstrated to the world that there are many forms and colors of beautiful people.  I am almost embarrassed to admit that I sometimes cry after a couple dances yet what I will admit readily is how therapeutic it has been to watch others express their inner spirit through dance. My sister has been taking tango lessons for a number of years now.  It seems like she dances almost every day of the week.  She seems to live for dancing and has expressed that skipping ...

There are some easy ways to change your karma and all of them entail that you respect every person, everywhere you go, every time.  It is when we honor others that we bring the best karma energy into our own life.  It is when you refuse to participate in anything that is not in our very highest of vibrations.  Even being around others whose karma is negative can be a source of diminishing your own karma spirit. Here are some wonderful   ways you can build your karma:  1. Stop doing the same thing and expecting different results.  This is one of the simplest equations of life that was ever told.  We often do things in the same way yet we expect something of good to happen, knowing fully that when we do the things we do we get the very same negative results.  We must be willing to do things differently and like looking in the same place for our keys we must understand that we will not find our pureness of heart by looking in the same place and...

Let's be honest, some days are difficult to even jump start.  These are days when we are feeling slow or down at the very moment when we awake.  Sometimes we don't know why but we feel indifferent and not sure where we are or how we are truly feeling.  Some days we stay in bed a lot longer than we should because we simply cannot face the day.  How can we cease the day and what are some practical ways to face it with an empowerment in our mind and heart? Here are some tips: 1. Start your day in silence by taking a few minutes of reverence.  Play some soft music, close your eyes, sit in a comfortable spot, take a few very deep breaths, place your palms on your legs facing up and feel yourself surrendering to life.  Do this for a minimum of ten minutes and do it every morning. 2. Exercise by doing something physical each day even if it is just taking a long walk.  Exercise will automatically life your energy and in turn lift the emotional weight off...

This is part 2 of my blog on soft core abuse written earlier today.  There are in fact some more subtle ways of abuse that some of us may not identify so readily as abusive. Here are some additional "soft core" abusive situations:  Your partner will not defend you against his or her family, friends or others. The experience of being attacked and mocked by your partner's family is truly humiliating especially when your partner is cowardly and will not defend you, your background, your race, your beliefs or your human rights.  There is nothing quite as bad as a partner who will not defend you against his or her people who are abusive and who they know are abusive.  To add insult to injury you may be getting the message that it is just as much you as them and that you asked for it.  When someone you care about allows this to happen they are on board with the abuse for the most part and are more Quilty than his friends or family doing the insulting and making ...

It is when you ask yourself "Is it me, am I crazy?" that you could very well be in an abusive situation that is what I refer to as "soft core" abuse.  Soft core abuse is when you are in a relationship where there are things going on that upset you but that you are having trouble pin pointing as abusive.  Soft core abuse is more common than we think and comes in many forms, usually initiated by people who are in denial about their abusive nature or who truly believe that what they do and say is perfectly acceptable because their mommy or daddy allowed it and sometimes modeled it. These are some subtle and "soft core" abusive actions on the part of others to look out for: 1. The person you are in a relationship with participates in only things they like to do and refuse to or make excuses to get out of the things he or she does not want to do with you.   This is a common form of abuse in that the person that claims to love you will pick and chose only...

Take what you have now is just another way of asking us to accept this moment, this situation and the cards that you have been dealt for today.  It is saying that it is not always the best idea to force things or to try to change anything.  Maybe today you got up feeling fear around your finances because you have not been able to get a job or you are angry because of some act on the part of another person.  Deciding whether to carry this all day is one thing and the other is allowing this day to flow as it may.  Having the feelings is OK but holding on to them all day long is not.  Taking one day at a time as they say in the AA twelve step program can be great advise for many of us who are in a constant place of control and of wanting to resolve things now.  There is a time when we can simply sit back and accept the now, what we have today and the cards we have in our hand.  Life is not always about solving everything right away so give yourself some s...

"My heart wants to open up but I am in too much pain". This self-quote is one that I ended up on my mind as I listened to a love song, "Roses and Violets" by Alexander.  I am sitting in my kitchen overlooking a lake that is ice, the rest full of  beautiful white snow.  It is breathless to be surrounded by the best that nature offers: the blue and white sky, the tree branches accented with white, and birds flying by.  It is a bit like being outside when one can see all the regal beauty outside your windows.  As I sit here alone I cannot help but to wonder if I will ever be in love again or if what I must embrace is a full and productive, happy life alone. As long as we are in pain it is impossible for us to fall in love.  The pain we feel blocks any person out there from connecting with us or as I say "the universe rejects it".  Until we love ourselves out of the darkness and pain we will forever be stuck in the first phase: self-love.  Going o...

There is really no other female comedian that could duplicate Lucy in her comical mannerism and her elegant swagger.  She was to me one of the most boldly talented women of my time.  To this day I still laugh historically at the episode where she takes a job wrapping chocolates in a factory and ends up having to eat them because she cannot keep up with the treadmill where the chocolates are to be picked up wrapped and put back on it.  It is absolutely one of the funniest things I have seen and with every episode she surprised me with yet another subject matter from jealous wife to sneaky friend.  She embodied the kind of person you just had to love and so was my Lucy. Yesterday was a difficult day as I helped my daughter to pack and donate some of her mother's belongings.  I thought it might provide closure but she cleared up that notion for me by letting me know how she was really just reliving the pain.  I think I get it now that I spent six hours in Lu...

In a world where we will experience disapproval and even cruelty at the hands of others who call themselves human we must first know our worth.  As many of you have read at the end of my emails there is a quote by Quincy Jones: "not one drop of my self worth depends on what you think of me".  This for me is telling of why we struggle with our own worth because people will attempt to put us down for reasons of their own. Here are some practical ways to see and know your self worth: 1. Affirm who you are often by creating, posting and reading your own personal affirmation. Affirming who you are is as simple as stating it.  Begin with the words "I am" and then add to it who you are.  "I am a beautiful human being worthy of love and respect".  After you write your own personal affirmation post it in your home where you can see it daily and read it at least two times a day. 2. Create boundaries around how others treat you every single time. Setting boun...

It is almost sad to me that humans are not born into their fullness like a butterfly who evolves from a dark shell .  If you have not seen this happen I would encourage you to look for a video of this phenomenal birth.  We are not too far from being born like a butterfly but mostly we have a lot in common in the way we should consider living our life and evolving along our way. Butterflies are beautiful creatures and each of us are just as beautiful. A butterfly comes out of the darkness into the light.  Like them we can also come out of the darkness (the hard times, the rough episodes) and manifest in the light.  We can decide that there are not any obstacles that we cannot overcome for we are the things we have survived.  For some of us it is sexual abuse while for others it has been a death of someone we dearly loved.  Our stories are varied and the experiences could have been dark and difficult to the degree that we feel that our worth is associated w...

We have some important aspects about us all of which need attention at one time or another.  There is the emotional aspect, the physical aspect, the spiritual aspect, the financial one and then the one we often times pass over, the creative aspect.  For some of us there is a false belief that we are not creative.  We don't understand the importance of creativity and how it impacts our life.  It is in fact that creative part of us that brings playfulness into our every day life.  It is that creative person within us that yearns to express when in fact we are convinced that this is not a part of us that has importance.  We in fact believe creativity is something that only some people have.  Because we believe that creativity is something others have and not us, we fail to tap into it and use it as a meaningful route to our own happiness.  The response of some I have asked is: "I am not creative" yet what I know for sure is that everyone is creative ...

I have grown to understand that some situations in life end up coming down to my plan or god's plan. The ability to determine which of the two plans is best for me feels like it has been my life's journey.  The most recent of God's plan was the passing of my former wife and good friend.  As much as we would all like to control losing a friend we love it is simply not possible and what we understand as situations we cannot control we can either turn over to God or become confused by thinking we could stop a plan that is not ours to control. We can make decisions about many things throughout the day.  We can decide what to eat, healthy or unhealthy foods.  We can decide what time to get up and when to get dressed.  We are empowered to make many decisions during the course of our life, yet there are things we are powerless over.  I have found that when I turn those things I have no control of over to God, he or she will handle those situations for me. I ha...

There are many memories of my life with Luz Maria from the age of 19 to the age of 30 yet what stands out the most for me were the fun times.  I enjoyed these ten years of my life more than any other stage of my life.  I also feel as though I was more alive, more joyous and more in my spirit.  I was allowed to be Elliott and to have my feelings and for me this was the most positive aspect of my relationship with a woman who I not only loved I respected with all my being.  This blog is about her and our life as a couple and as good friends. I met Luz when we were both 14 years old at a party in her parent's home.  I was there because my uncle and cousins were friends of her family and took me to this party.  The very first time I looked at her I said to myself "I want to marry that girl" and as it turned out five years later we were married.  After meeting her I could not get her out of my mind.  I admit that in part it had to do with her beauty ...

I believe that because our president is a man of color there are people who take this fact and use it to justify advanced, unusual, crude and uncalled for insults.  It is the first time people accused a president of being a terrorist and questioning his religious beliefs, even his name.  Although it has been appalling to me as a man of color I know that there are many people in our country, one that claims we are a "melting pot", that are bigots and racists who spend a lot of their energy directly and indirectly putting us down.  If I were to count the times I have been disrespected and my culture minimized and made fun of I would have spent too much time on ignorant, idiotic and sick people. It is not only a waste of time, it is not useful or productive for us as people to entertain people who will likely die as ignorant as they live on a daily basis, ones who plot against us inside the closet that gay people jumped out of.  As many people that I know have heard m...

You are not your story, not the old story at least.  Our stories consist of all the things that have happened to us that were not pleasant or difficult.  They are the stories of emotional and physical abuse and for some sexual abuse.  Our stories are our experiences with death and loss.  Our past can be filled with incidents of injury and not so good things and like most of us some very hard times.  We believe that we are those stories and what happens is we live as if those things that happened define us and for some of us it is a life long struggle.  We believe that we cannot find our way out of our stories and that these stories are our destiny.  This of course is a self-fulfilling attitude and because of our thinking we end up stuck in our stories, our past, our bad experiences. The life that we create from the life that we live and the things we overcome is our real story.  This story is the one we make happen by letting go of the old story...

How does a father express the love and compassion and connection to his daughters?  I am uncertain as to whether there are words that adequately describe the deep love I for one have for my girls.  Now 32 and 37 I know more than ever what a wonderful gift they both are to me.  I cannot ever understand the strife that some dads have with their daughters and why there would be any reason not to love our daughters with all our hearts.  I for one love my girls immensely and feel deep gratitude for their roles in my life, each one unique in her own way and each one so very special. Recently my daughters lost their mother who was not just a mother to them but a good friend as well. I will not soon forget the reaction of my eldest when we called her to come to her mom's house without telling her that she had already passed.  It was for me one of the most painful moments of my life to see my child fall to her knees and weep like a baby.  That image will stay with...

For me the most crucial things I have accomplished in life have come from overcoming my fears and turning that into an action that turned my life around.  One of those times in my life was when I decided to take the ACT test to determine if I was college material, ended up doing well on the test and got accepted into all three colleges where I applied.  Up to that point I had not thought myself smart enough to go to college and because of one person in my life who asked me about it and shared her belief that I could I decided to start the process by meeting with the school counselor.  Not only did I complete a BA but also finished two masters degrees.  The fear I had at the start turned into action and I had accomplished what I thought I could not do. I believe that anyone can turn fear into action.  I believe that each and every person can either be paralyzed from fear or they can use it to propel them.  When we accept that we are in fear and we decide t...

Today the women I was married to passed in her sleep as I sat with my daughter and her uncle at the kitchen table.  At one point I got up to check on her and found that she had passed on.  She had fallen asleep and left us silently in her sleep without incident.  Before she passed she had reached out with both her hands to our daughter in what seemed to me to be a final goodbye.  It felt to me as though she could not speak and that this was a large effort for her but it felt as though this was her final gesture of love towards our daughter who had cared for her each day.  Her passing was for me one of the hardest and yet I had a feeling of being honored because I was there and witnessed it.  My life would likely never be the same again after that moment. Luz was a woman that I knew for 47 years, someone I have met her when we were both 14 years old.  I happened to end up in her home with my cousins for a party at her home and at that time I knew deep...

Gratitude is a feeling many of us struggle with because we are so busy being upset about the next thing, usually something we don't have, an issue we need to resolve or an occurrence that throws us into a spin.  It is easy to forget about what we do have and to be in gratitude around that which is good in our lives.  It is also easier to focus on what seems to be more prominent in the moment like a recent loss or a failed marriage.  We know how to get tangled up in what is going on in our life that is making us upset and we forget about what is going right in our life.  Gratitude is in fact a state of mind and a place in our being that appreciates and focuses on the good.  When we focus on the good the other matters in our life that we may be battling with will become smaller and less prominent. Some of the basic things we can be grateful about are:  Being alive:  Every day we live is a gift and that should be our first gratitude when we awake. ...