"Soft Core" Abuse
It is when you ask yourself "Is it me, am I crazy?" that you could very well be in an abusive situation that is what I refer to as "soft core" abuse. Soft core abuse is when you are in a relationship where there are things going on that upset you but that you are having trouble pin pointing as abusive. Soft core abuse is more common than we think and comes in many forms, usually initiated by people who are in denial about their abusive nature or who truly believe that what they do and say is perfectly acceptable because their mommy or daddy allowed it and sometimes modeled it.
These are some subtle and "soft core" abusive actions on the part of others to look out for:
1. The person you are in a relationship with participates in only things they like to do and refuse to or make excuses to get out of the things he or she does not want to do with you.
This is a common form of abuse in that the person that claims to love you will pick and chose only those activities they like or want to be a part of, usually expecting you to participate in all of the ones they like. This is a self-serving attitude and eventually will effect you by sending the message that their interests are more valuable than yours. It is also selfish and hurtful when there is little to no compromising in a relationship. It is abusive and most of all unkind.
2. The person you are with does not carry their own weight and do things equally in our out of the home.
When someone you live with does not do their share you will eventually feel it. It is very unfair for someone you live with not to do their part whether it is economically or housework in the home you both live in. It is abusive and presumptuous for someone to think you should be doing all the work in the home or even the majority of it. The message that is clear here is that you must have more time on your hands to do the work than they do or that their time is more important than yours. It is one of the major reasons people end up divorced or spit up and for good reason. Allowing anyone to live with you as a couple and not do their share eventually will make you feel demeaned. Insist that he or she do their share and that it be as equitable as possible.
3. The man or woman you are with or married to does not compliment you or acknowledge your gifts.
I lived with a person who doled out compliments as if they cost him something. I am what most would refer to as a man of good taste and have often been asked to help others decorate their spaces. Yet for ten years I can likely count the compliments I received on my ten fingers. It was not bad enough that there were little compliments but to add insult to injury he and his family would find fault in many of the things I would do. I dress beautifully, I keep an immaculately clean home and I am great at decorating and presentations yet the compliments were rare and the criticisms frequent. I learned that the lack of acknowledgement grated on me. It was by far an insult to me that I would put so much work into a beautiful home and appearance and that it was met with jealousy and insults. You know you are in an abusive situation when compliments are only given if
He or she makes fun of you and couches the negative comments in a joke.
4. The person you are with does not respect your beliefs or your culture and does not bother to assimilate into your customs at all.
I am as most of you are aware "very Latino". Although I was born in Ohio and have a name like Elliott (not Juan) I love, love, love, my culture, language, food and all. I relate to my roots and consider myself a man of color which surprises some people because I "don't have an accent". It was for me the biggest insult that people consider me to be assimilated and want me to be something I am not, like Caucasian. I find it abusive that people who are white want to be with someone like me and then behave in ways that clearly negate my culture and heritage, at times even putting me down in the form of bad racial jokes.
To be continued...
These are some subtle and "soft core" abusive actions on the part of others to look out for:
1. The person you are in a relationship with participates in only things they like to do and refuse to or make excuses to get out of the things he or she does not want to do with you.
This is a common form of abuse in that the person that claims to love you will pick and chose only those activities they like or want to be a part of, usually expecting you to participate in all of the ones they like. This is a self-serving attitude and eventually will effect you by sending the message that their interests are more valuable than yours. It is also selfish and hurtful when there is little to no compromising in a relationship. It is abusive and most of all unkind.
2. The person you are with does not carry their own weight and do things equally in our out of the home.
When someone you live with does not do their share you will eventually feel it. It is very unfair for someone you live with not to do their part whether it is economically or housework in the home you both live in. It is abusive and presumptuous for someone to think you should be doing all the work in the home or even the majority of it. The message that is clear here is that you must have more time on your hands to do the work than they do or that their time is more important than yours. It is one of the major reasons people end up divorced or spit up and for good reason. Allowing anyone to live with you as a couple and not do their share eventually will make you feel demeaned. Insist that he or she do their share and that it be as equitable as possible.
3. The man or woman you are with or married to does not compliment you or acknowledge your gifts.
I lived with a person who doled out compliments as if they cost him something. I am what most would refer to as a man of good taste and have often been asked to help others decorate their spaces. Yet for ten years I can likely count the compliments I received on my ten fingers. It was not bad enough that there were little compliments but to add insult to injury he and his family would find fault in many of the things I would do. I dress beautifully, I keep an immaculately clean home and I am great at decorating and presentations yet the compliments were rare and the criticisms frequent. I learned that the lack of acknowledgement grated on me. It was by far an insult to me that I would put so much work into a beautiful home and appearance and that it was met with jealousy and insults. You know you are in an abusive situation when compliments are only given if
He or she makes fun of you and couches the negative comments in a joke.
4. The person you are with does not respect your beliefs or your culture and does not bother to assimilate into your customs at all.
I am as most of you are aware "very Latino". Although I was born in Ohio and have a name like Elliott (not Juan) I love, love, love, my culture, language, food and all. I relate to my roots and consider myself a man of color which surprises some people because I "don't have an accent". It was for me the biggest insult that people consider me to be assimilated and want me to be something I am not, like Caucasian. I find it abusive that people who are white want to be with someone like me and then behave in ways that clearly negate my culture and heritage, at times even putting me down in the form of bad racial jokes.
To be continued...
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