About Death and Dying
When I woke up this morning my heart felt heavy knowing that a close friend is at the tail end of her battle with cancer. The physical pain she is going through is so serious that she is receiving hard pain medication like morphine. It is painful for me that a person who I know and love is likely going to die sometime soon and that I am being asked to prepare for it. Death and dying is a difficult experience to wrap our heads and hearts around not to mention the difficulty of accepting death. Even though we don't want to think about it it is an inevitable reality of life and something most of us will witness and that we will experience for ourselves. Death is a part of life although focusing on it is likely not the most comforting thoughts to have. Yet what I know from my own experiences with death: my sister, my grandmother, my grandfather, a close friend, my great grandmother and others, is that death is a reality all of us will have to address.
I recall on or about October 22 when the phone rang and it was a man who said that my sister was not doing well and that I needed to come to the hospital. He gave me an address and I got in my car only to arrive to my brother coming towards my car and saying, "Dora (our youngest sister)is dead". Dora was battling with emotional illness around her husband abusing her verbally and possibly physically. She had lost her battle and decided to commit suicide with the gun she obtained in her bosses desk. She'd gone to a hotel and shot herself in the head. It was for me one of the darkest moments in my life and yet one that turned on the light. This incident was the one that forced me to look at my own life and the truth about my own relationship with a woman and being a gay man. This moment was for me a defining moment in my life that I won't ever forget. Death had touched me personally and my life would never be the same.
When I was a little boy, about seven years old, my great grandmother died in her sleep. I had only known her for seven years and yet for me she was like an angel who was filled with love and kindness. Every night she'd close her door, light candles and pray. On top of the dresser she kept a picture of my great grandfather who was her husband and her one and only love. He had passed before her. One day in the middle of the night I woke up to the lights of an ambulance and was told that my beautiful soulful great grandma was in fact dead and that they needed to take her. This moment was the first experience with death I'd had and it felt unreal. I wondered why she had died but most of all what it all meant. To this day I am not sure how I felt about it but what I know is that very early in my life I would have to address my own battle with life.
How we live will determine how we die. Did this just come out of my mouth? Indeed there must be some truth in this statement because it simply rolled out of my lips. I believe the message here is to live life happily and fully so that when the time comes to leave this earth in this form we go with dignity and acceptance, fully aware that we have made the best of life. I think that death is something that is meant to send the message to each of us that life needs to be lived and that death is simply an end to this form of living. I sense that we die in one form to be born in another form. I believe this and maybe it is something that I want to believe because it comforts me. I think of my sister and others who have died before me are in a peaceful beautiful place that we sometimes call heaven. There are not problems there and life is beautiful and serene. There we live in another form that is light hearted and joyful. There we live forever. Hence I think that living life fully is the best way to prepare to die or to die with dignity and joy in your heart.
I don't think about death every day because I don't think it is healthy. In fact I think about how to live every day and what I can do to bring more joy to it. I get up and I look out at the lake behind my house and I feel gratitude. I look at the geese flying in formation and I know there is a reason for everything in life. I look at the white sofas in my family room and I know that I am more blessed then those who don't have a home or a sofa to sit on. I look at my own image in the mirror and I see a man who has survived cancer and who has to work each day to live fully and do his best.
I recall on or about October 22 when the phone rang and it was a man who said that my sister was not doing well and that I needed to come to the hospital. He gave me an address and I got in my car only to arrive to my brother coming towards my car and saying, "Dora (our youngest sister)is dead". Dora was battling with emotional illness around her husband abusing her verbally and possibly physically. She had lost her battle and decided to commit suicide with the gun she obtained in her bosses desk. She'd gone to a hotel and shot herself in the head. It was for me one of the darkest moments in my life and yet one that turned on the light. This incident was the one that forced me to look at my own life and the truth about my own relationship with a woman and being a gay man. This moment was for me a defining moment in my life that I won't ever forget. Death had touched me personally and my life would never be the same.
When I was a little boy, about seven years old, my great grandmother died in her sleep. I had only known her for seven years and yet for me she was like an angel who was filled with love and kindness. Every night she'd close her door, light candles and pray. On top of the dresser she kept a picture of my great grandfather who was her husband and her one and only love. He had passed before her. One day in the middle of the night I woke up to the lights of an ambulance and was told that my beautiful soulful great grandma was in fact dead and that they needed to take her. This moment was the first experience with death I'd had and it felt unreal. I wondered why she had died but most of all what it all meant. To this day I am not sure how I felt about it but what I know is that very early in my life I would have to address my own battle with life.
How we live will determine how we die. Did this just come out of my mouth? Indeed there must be some truth in this statement because it simply rolled out of my lips. I believe the message here is to live life happily and fully so that when the time comes to leave this earth in this form we go with dignity and acceptance, fully aware that we have made the best of life. I think that death is something that is meant to send the message to each of us that life needs to be lived and that death is simply an end to this form of living. I sense that we die in one form to be born in another form. I believe this and maybe it is something that I want to believe because it comforts me. I think of my sister and others who have died before me are in a peaceful beautiful place that we sometimes call heaven. There are not problems there and life is beautiful and serene. There we live in another form that is light hearted and joyful. There we live forever. Hence I think that living life fully is the best way to prepare to die or to die with dignity and joy in your heart.
I don't think about death every day because I don't think it is healthy. In fact I think about how to live every day and what I can do to bring more joy to it. I get up and I look out at the lake behind my house and I feel gratitude. I look at the geese flying in formation and I know there is a reason for everything in life. I look at the white sofas in my family room and I know that I am more blessed then those who don't have a home or a sofa to sit on. I look at my own image in the mirror and I see a man who has survived cancer and who has to work each day to live fully and do his best.
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