A Broken Home and Heart
I would rather be from a broken home than living in a broken home. I would also rather have a broken heart than to live inside a relation that is broken.
My story is like many. A father who left me and my siblings when I was about five or six years of age. A mom who was angry and broken mentally who acted it out in various ways: verbal abuse, physical abuse, depression, isolation and self loathing. I know that had I stayed in the situation with my mom it may have resulted in a horrible tragedy. So I ran away from home at about the age of 14 and ended myself up in a foster home for a short while, then in the home of my godmother until I felt safe from a situation that was to say it mildly disfunctional and unsafe. I felt like I had to get out or I would not survive and possibly hurt myself or my mother after an incident where she literally bit me when I held her arms to avoid being hit again. I was finally fed up to the very core of my being. I knew a horrible thing might happen if I stayed in the living situation. Today I have forgiven my mother because she did the best she could with the tools she had. She was mentally ill and the things she did were over having an emotional meltdown. Today I can love her but for a child to live with that situation for a number of years was very difficult. Yet I am glad that I left the broken sitaution and healed my own broken heart and soul. It is my opinion that it is better to get children out of abusive situations as soon as possible because it leaves such a horrible scar on them. I know this first hand and know I will be doing healing self-work for my entire life.
Being in a broken relationship with a mother and father who are constantly at odds and fighting is much worse then if they would admit that they don't work well together and should seperate or divorce. It is terribly hurtful to children to witness their parents swearing at each other, shouting in the middle of the night or living like roommates, disconnected from each other emotionally. That was the case in my mom and dad's marriage. It was 11 years of ups and downs but it seemed like it was mostly down or negative. They yelled and they ocassionally would use physical force. I was very young and felt completely unsafe. I feel like I wished they would seperate and when they did I felt mixed feelings of relief and abandonment. I asked, like may kids, why my dad left and what did I do to make him leave? My mother was too angry to ease my pain and my fears and in fact compounded them with her anger and hate towards him. There is a part of me that understands it now. My mome was very injurred and did not get the help she needed because at that time if someone was in therapy they were considered crazy or at least that was the myth. Today I know that they did me a favor because I was better off coming from a broken home than living in one until god knows what would have happened. Children are harmed more by a home with conflict than to be from a home where one of the parents leave. The thing is that both parents should keep their relationship with their kids which was not the case for me. In fact my dad moved far away and I never heard from him. Still I sensed I would live in a more peaceful situation and eventually we did with my grandparents and mom and at first it was good until it became bad.
Children need both their parents even if they split up. I myself am divorced for 31 years and I still am very close to my daughters. It was not perfect but I did not abandon them and did not have horrible fights with my former wife, their mom. We were on the edge and I knew if we stayed together it would get bad and so I had the wisdom to leave and eventually ask for a divorce. In my own situation it was about my being gay and living in a lie. It got to be too much but I would have rather left than for my children to see any of what my parents did to one another. When I think back to it and after forming a friendship with my former wife, I am happy that I broke up the home and opted to heal my heart.
For those of you in situations that are not working: any relationship, think about what can be done to keep you and that other person safe. When I say safe I mean this mostly in an emotional manner. When we are emotionally unsafe it is almost worse than being abused physically because that begins and ends while the emotional abuse sticks even longer for some of us. Think about yourself and others who you want to be safe and heal your own heart. Make it safe for yourself by doing things you need to do and getting the help you need to heal. Be in your spiritual place of self love. Be in a place of forgiveness. Seek to be in a situation that is in your highest good, your children's highest good and that of the person you are with. When life hands you some challenges seek peace and love. Be in peace and love and move into a place of self reflection. Remember you cannot change anyone but yourself.
My story is like many. A father who left me and my siblings when I was about five or six years of age. A mom who was angry and broken mentally who acted it out in various ways: verbal abuse, physical abuse, depression, isolation and self loathing. I know that had I stayed in the situation with my mom it may have resulted in a horrible tragedy. So I ran away from home at about the age of 14 and ended myself up in a foster home for a short while, then in the home of my godmother until I felt safe from a situation that was to say it mildly disfunctional and unsafe. I felt like I had to get out or I would not survive and possibly hurt myself or my mother after an incident where she literally bit me when I held her arms to avoid being hit again. I was finally fed up to the very core of my being. I knew a horrible thing might happen if I stayed in the living situation. Today I have forgiven my mother because she did the best she could with the tools she had. She was mentally ill and the things she did were over having an emotional meltdown. Today I can love her but for a child to live with that situation for a number of years was very difficult. Yet I am glad that I left the broken sitaution and healed my own broken heart and soul. It is my opinion that it is better to get children out of abusive situations as soon as possible because it leaves such a horrible scar on them. I know this first hand and know I will be doing healing self-work for my entire life.
Being in a broken relationship with a mother and father who are constantly at odds and fighting is much worse then if they would admit that they don't work well together and should seperate or divorce. It is terribly hurtful to children to witness their parents swearing at each other, shouting in the middle of the night or living like roommates, disconnected from each other emotionally. That was the case in my mom and dad's marriage. It was 11 years of ups and downs but it seemed like it was mostly down or negative. They yelled and they ocassionally would use physical force. I was very young and felt completely unsafe. I feel like I wished they would seperate and when they did I felt mixed feelings of relief and abandonment. I asked, like may kids, why my dad left and what did I do to make him leave? My mother was too angry to ease my pain and my fears and in fact compounded them with her anger and hate towards him. There is a part of me that understands it now. My mome was very injurred and did not get the help she needed because at that time if someone was in therapy they were considered crazy or at least that was the myth. Today I know that they did me a favor because I was better off coming from a broken home than living in one until god knows what would have happened. Children are harmed more by a home with conflict than to be from a home where one of the parents leave. The thing is that both parents should keep their relationship with their kids which was not the case for me. In fact my dad moved far away and I never heard from him. Still I sensed I would live in a more peaceful situation and eventually we did with my grandparents and mom and at first it was good until it became bad.
Children need both their parents even if they split up. I myself am divorced for 31 years and I still am very close to my daughters. It was not perfect but I did not abandon them and did not have horrible fights with my former wife, their mom. We were on the edge and I knew if we stayed together it would get bad and so I had the wisdom to leave and eventually ask for a divorce. In my own situation it was about my being gay and living in a lie. It got to be too much but I would have rather left than for my children to see any of what my parents did to one another. When I think back to it and after forming a friendship with my former wife, I am happy that I broke up the home and opted to heal my heart.
For those of you in situations that are not working: any relationship, think about what can be done to keep you and that other person safe. When I say safe I mean this mostly in an emotional manner. When we are emotionally unsafe it is almost worse than being abused physically because that begins and ends while the emotional abuse sticks even longer for some of us. Think about yourself and others who you want to be safe and heal your own heart. Make it safe for yourself by doing things you need to do and getting the help you need to heal. Be in your spiritual place of self love. Be in a place of forgiveness. Seek to be in a situation that is in your highest good, your children's highest good and that of the person you are with. When life hands you some challenges seek peace and love. Be in peace and love and move into a place of self reflection. Remember you cannot change anyone but yourself.
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