"Internalized Homophobia"
According to therapists there is such a thing as internalized homophobia. This is when as children we are taught to be homophobic and even when we may end up being gay we then begin to manifest our own homophobia. We may even be more critical of other gay men for being too feminine. Some of us behave overly masculine to hide the fact we are gay or that we are "not like those gay men" (the ones we judge for being feminine or overtly gay. Like the ones that use the word "Mary" and say things like "oh girl" when speaking to other gay men in a group.
For me what this translates to is our own lack of self-acceptance and even self-hate. Gay men who are feminine mirror back to us something we just cannot accept in ourselves which is almost always where judging others comes from. Someone is mirroring back to us something we are uncomfortable about in ourselves or our current state of mind. It is much like when we are walking around angry and suddenly we find ourselves in a situation where someone is venting their anger onto us. Part of it is our energy and part of it is that the world reflects back what we need to see or feel. Those of us who are homophobic started this homophobia about ourselves first. We then projected it out to others.
I can recall when I was homophobic as far back as when I was six or seven without knowing so. I knew then that whatever I was wasn't acceptable and so I hid it and even went so far as to get and stay married for over ten years. My self-hate resulted in my hiding my gay identity from everyone. I held it inside and even participated in jokes about gay men, especially the feminine ones. I lived like this up until I could no longer lie about myself and asked my wife for a divorce. Up until then I could not imagine being who I was, a gay Latino man. Not only was I gay but I was of a culture that did not accept it and where I heard many times to act like a man. I even overheard comments about my being feminine and possibly a "queer". I learned early on that being gay was not an option. I even prayed at night about it and asked God to please take my desires for men away. I wanted to be normal.
Once I came out I found out that I was still struggling with judgement about being gay and about men who were feminine, men who wanted to be women, drag queens and any other gay person that was not like me or so I thought. What I ended up realizing later in life was that these judgements were not about them but about me and how I felt about myself.
One gay man I met recently told me a story about going somewhere where there was a group of gay men behaving very gay in his words too feminine. They were overtly gay and being very candid and in his opinion it was embarrassing for him. He went on about not knowing why he felt that way and then shared a story about how in the gay parade the first thing he noted was a drag queen that looked a mess and did not even have his wig on straight. He went on to say that he was with straight friends as if to say that this person was depicting gay men like him in a negative or stereotype manner. This man is a very simple example of a gay man with an internalized homophobia. He is struggling still with his own identity and in fact is hiding it at work where he says there are other gay men that are out. With every sentence it became very obvious that he was where I was in my thirties about gay feminine men or gay men who were not "masculine" enough to me. His and me self-hate are manifesting in our negative view of gay men who not only are overt, they are proud and the very reason that tolerance exists. They are the men who have suffered the consequences for all of us. For this reason alone we must become more tolerant as gay men of every type of gay man and sexuality and sexual preference.
Another friend of mine talked about the identical ability not to accept fems. Yet in another sentence he discussed his partner who had another persona who was a funny like drag queen like feminine side. He seemed to discuss his partner as if he were very different from all the other feminine men, yet it seemed to me that his partner had a very feminine side to him that was overtly gay like the men he had trouble accepting. It ended very similar to how it started. His story was really about his own self-worth. In the end it is just the same as it was for me. More about him than the people he is judging. More about his own homophobic beliefs ingrained in him by some source, possibly his parents and other adults who were in his circle when he was growing up.
Although we don't mean to be homophobic we must heal from that emotional illness so that we are not in judgement of others and ultimately of ourselves. M
More Later...
For me what this translates to is our own lack of self-acceptance and even self-hate. Gay men who are feminine mirror back to us something we just cannot accept in ourselves which is almost always where judging others comes from. Someone is mirroring back to us something we are uncomfortable about in ourselves or our current state of mind. It is much like when we are walking around angry and suddenly we find ourselves in a situation where someone is venting their anger onto us. Part of it is our energy and part of it is that the world reflects back what we need to see or feel. Those of us who are homophobic started this homophobia about ourselves first. We then projected it out to others.
I can recall when I was homophobic as far back as when I was six or seven without knowing so. I knew then that whatever I was wasn't acceptable and so I hid it and even went so far as to get and stay married for over ten years. My self-hate resulted in my hiding my gay identity from everyone. I held it inside and even participated in jokes about gay men, especially the feminine ones. I lived like this up until I could no longer lie about myself and asked my wife for a divorce. Up until then I could not imagine being who I was, a gay Latino man. Not only was I gay but I was of a culture that did not accept it and where I heard many times to act like a man. I even overheard comments about my being feminine and possibly a "queer". I learned early on that being gay was not an option. I even prayed at night about it and asked God to please take my desires for men away. I wanted to be normal.
Once I came out I found out that I was still struggling with judgement about being gay and about men who were feminine, men who wanted to be women, drag queens and any other gay person that was not like me or so I thought. What I ended up realizing later in life was that these judgements were not about them but about me and how I felt about myself.
One gay man I met recently told me a story about going somewhere where there was a group of gay men behaving very gay in his words too feminine. They were overtly gay and being very candid and in his opinion it was embarrassing for him. He went on about not knowing why he felt that way and then shared a story about how in the gay parade the first thing he noted was a drag queen that looked a mess and did not even have his wig on straight. He went on to say that he was with straight friends as if to say that this person was depicting gay men like him in a negative or stereotype manner. This man is a very simple example of a gay man with an internalized homophobia. He is struggling still with his own identity and in fact is hiding it at work where he says there are other gay men that are out. With every sentence it became very obvious that he was where I was in my thirties about gay feminine men or gay men who were not "masculine" enough to me. His and me self-hate are manifesting in our negative view of gay men who not only are overt, they are proud and the very reason that tolerance exists. They are the men who have suffered the consequences for all of us. For this reason alone we must become more tolerant as gay men of every type of gay man and sexuality and sexual preference.
Another friend of mine talked about the identical ability not to accept fems. Yet in another sentence he discussed his partner who had another persona who was a funny like drag queen like feminine side. He seemed to discuss his partner as if he were very different from all the other feminine men, yet it seemed to me that his partner had a very feminine side to him that was overtly gay like the men he had trouble accepting. It ended very similar to how it started. His story was really about his own self-worth. In the end it is just the same as it was for me. More about him than the people he is judging. More about his own homophobic beliefs ingrained in him by some source, possibly his parents and other adults who were in his circle when he was growing up.
Although we don't mean to be homophobic we must heal from that emotional illness so that we are not in judgement of others and ultimately of ourselves. M
More Later...
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