Fears
I have been thinking a lot about what it is that I fear and the one thing I seem not to fear is death. Death does not seem so ugly or dark to me for some reason. Maybe it is God giving me the courage to face death when the time comes or maybe I am just fooling myself into thinking that death is not final. Maybe it is true that I am going to live eternally after I die or that I will come back as Rock Hudson or Marilyn Monroe, I'm not picky as long as it is someone beautiful. Maybe I am already beautiful and I don't know it. Maybe that's why I don't mind it if I end up dying at sixty or sixty one. After all I really am not that bad looking and I surely have danced my ass off and had me some good times.
Then I think of my kids and I feel like they might be upset with me for dying on them now. It seems like they need me and at times I think I too need them. I feel like they are still looking for me to give them some guidance and love and that my dying would take that from them a little too soon. Really I am delusional in those thoughts. Who the hell would need me now? The two of them go to work each day and are so involved in their own lives maybe they won't miss me at all. Maybe just maybe I am making up this story about how others need me when it's just a story. It is for my own benefit that I make up this thing that someone needs me, the kids need me.
I know one thing for sure, my youngest daughter already gave me permission to die. She who has seen me at my worse hours, waling like a injurred animal. She who has held my hand and rubbed my head as I have cried all the tears I could possibly have cried for a lifetime. She who says is my yang like her mother. I certainly agree with her. I know that if I die she will release me to God because she has that makeup in her. She is a spiritual being and a believer. She would be the one to hand me over to god with a song in her heart when it becomes the time.
I am not afraid to die. I am more afraid of the people who wish me ill and the ones running around hating on Taylor Swift or President Obama. I am more scared of what people are capable of doing to me than death. I am more saddened by the people I perceive to be my enenmies plottting my demise even though they really have no power. Death isn't scary to me, it's the people who are haters and the players who like to play as Taylor puts it in her song, " Shake it Off".
We should all be less afraid of dying than being manipulated by a system that puts battered women in jail for defending themselves and their children after long years of abuse. We should be less afraid to die than to live a half assed life where we think only of ourselves and rarely volunteer to be of service to others. We shoud be less afraid of dying than we are of living in the wrong body, in the wrong relationship or in the wrong emotionaly or spiritual state.
I say again I am not afraid to die. I am not becausee death is not the end as one might think, it is just the beginning. For some of us believers who believe death is the door that opens to the almighty gate to God's house where we get to dance all we want, cry all we like and sing until we are hoarse. Death is really not that bad a deal when you think about it. Life fully lived isn't either.
elliott collazo gonzalez
Then I think of my kids and I feel like they might be upset with me for dying on them now. It seems like they need me and at times I think I too need them. I feel like they are still looking for me to give them some guidance and love and that my dying would take that from them a little too soon. Really I am delusional in those thoughts. Who the hell would need me now? The two of them go to work each day and are so involved in their own lives maybe they won't miss me at all. Maybe just maybe I am making up this story about how others need me when it's just a story. It is for my own benefit that I make up this thing that someone needs me, the kids need me.
I know one thing for sure, my youngest daughter already gave me permission to die. She who has seen me at my worse hours, waling like a injurred animal. She who has held my hand and rubbed my head as I have cried all the tears I could possibly have cried for a lifetime. She who says is my yang like her mother. I certainly agree with her. I know that if I die she will release me to God because she has that makeup in her. She is a spiritual being and a believer. She would be the one to hand me over to god with a song in her heart when it becomes the time.
I am not afraid to die. I am more afraid of the people who wish me ill and the ones running around hating on Taylor Swift or President Obama. I am more scared of what people are capable of doing to me than death. I am more saddened by the people I perceive to be my enenmies plottting my demise even though they really have no power. Death isn't scary to me, it's the people who are haters and the players who like to play as Taylor puts it in her song, " Shake it Off".
We should all be less afraid of dying than being manipulated by a system that puts battered women in jail for defending themselves and their children after long years of abuse. We should be less afraid to die than to live a half assed life where we think only of ourselves and rarely volunteer to be of service to others. We shoud be less afraid of dying than we are of living in the wrong body, in the wrong relationship or in the wrong emotionaly or spiritual state.
I say again I am not afraid to die. I am not becausee death is not the end as one might think, it is just the beginning. For some of us believers who believe death is the door that opens to the almighty gate to God's house where we get to dance all we want, cry all we like and sing until we are hoarse. Death is really not that bad a deal when you think about it. Life fully lived isn't either.
elliott collazo gonzalez
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